Joke thread anyone?

Kenny G walks into a crowded elevator. He looks around before turning to the guy standing next to him, and saying “Man, this place rocks!”

one week short of a year later, and I still find that funny. Ah well, can’t please everyone…

Well I for one snickered.

let me speak for the unenlightened masses:

huh?

I was hoping for a thread full of good jokes. I think I’ll post one to get this thread moving.

          NEW YORK ... Year 2032.

A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid. All
of a sudden they stop in front of a park, and the man comments to
his son, “Just think, not too long ago the Twin Towers used to be
here.”
So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face. “Dad,
what were the Twin Towers?”
“They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31
years ago a bunch of terrorists from the middle east crashed a
plane into each one and they collapsed.”
“Dad, what was the Middle East?”
Okay, that might not have been very funny to some of you, But I laughed. [sub]Please dont hurt me[/sub]

HAHAHAHAHA CLASSIC!! That is an awesome joke.

…and what sort of music is played in elevators hmmmmm ?

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about ten minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave, but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

The Redskins lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.

(and, if I may, one more)

SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T EXPLAIN…

A farmer is sitting in a neighorhood bar slowly getting drunk…A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

The farmer says, “Some things you can’t explain.”

“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.

The farmer decides to try an answer, “Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”

“That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what happened?” the man asked again.

The farmer reluctantly continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”

“Again?”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.

“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.”

“Wow, you must have been pretty upset, but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.

“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can’t explain.”

There was poor farming family, and the son it was the son’s 16th birthday. The father gave his son a duck, and said “This is all we have to give you for your birthday, son. Take it to town and see what you can get for it and that will be your present.”
Well the son went to town, but he was sad because he didn’t think he could get much for a duck. The local hooker saw his sad face and asked what the matter was. He explained about his birthday and the duck and she took pity on him.
“I tell you what, I’ll take that duck as payment for a screw” So she took him back to her place and they had a good fuck. In fact, it was so good she gave him a dazed look when he was finished and said
“Damn, that was so good, I’ll give you your duck back if you screw me again” Of course, he didn’t object to this, so they went at it again.
So he got dressed and took his duck. He was walking down the street with the duck under his arm, whistling merrily (what a difference a lay makes) (sorry, couldn’t help myself) and his duck flew out from under his arm into the street, just when a truck was driving down the street. The truck hit the duck before the driver could stop the truck.
Needless to say, the boy was shattered (the duck had become special, y’know?)
The truck driver stopped and asked “What’s the matter”, so the boy explained about his birthday and the duck and the hooker. The driver felt terrible about killing the duck, so he gave the kid some money.
Now the son was ecstatic and he practically bounced home. The father asked his son how he did and why he was so happy. The son answered -

::taking a deep breath so I get this right::

“Well, I got a fuck for a duck, and a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck”

:smiley:
[sub]Say that three times fast[/sub]

A mushroom goes into a bar and askes for a drink.

The bartender informs him, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.”

The mushroom asks, “Why not? I’m a fun guy.”

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines!

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. The psychiatrist says “can I help you?” The duck says “yeah, help me get this guy off my ass.”

A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I’m losing weight, I’m hungry all the time, I think I might be anemic.”

So the doctor checks him out and says “Okay, I know what’s wrong. Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna come back here every day for a month, and every day you’re gonna bring in a hard-boiled egg and a lemon cookie.”

The guy says “What?” and the doctor says “Don’t argue with me, I’m a doctor.”

So the guy goes back to the doctor’s office the next day with a hard-boiled egg and a lemon cookie. The doctor says “Now drop your pants and bend over.” The guy says “What?” and the doctor says “Don’t argue with me, I’m a doctor.”

So the guy drops his pants. The doctor takes the hard-boiled egg and shoves it up the guy’s ass. He takes the lemon cookie and shoves that up too.

The guy yells “What the hell was the point of that?” and the doctor says “Look, I’m the doctor. You wanna get better or not?”

So the guy keeps coming back to the doctor every day for a month, and the same thing happens every day. AT the end of the month the doctor says “Okay, tomorrow, don’t bring in the lemon cookie. Just bring a hardboiled egg.” The guy says “What?” and the doctor says “Don’t argue with me, I’m a doctor.”

The next day, the guy brings in a hard-boiled egg and drops his pants. The doctor shoves the egg up his ass, then goes to the supply cabinet and takes out a baseball bat.

The guy says “WHOA WHOA! Why have you got that bat?”

The doctor says

“Because any minute now, this HUMUNGOUS FUCKING TAPEWORM is going to come out of your ass looking for its lemon cookie. And we’re gonna nail it.”

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.
“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!.” The game warden was curious,.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well.”
“Well, What?” the man responded.
“When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.
“Call who back?” The man asked.
“The FISH.”
“What fish?” The man asked.

Corduroy pillows? Hey, that’s my joke!

So Osama Bin Laden calls up Shrub and says, "I had a dream last night. In my dream I was flying over the United States. And every dam on every river had been bombed. All the airport runways had big craters. Most of the homes in America had been destroyed. On the homes that remained, there was writing on the roof that said, “Praise be to the Taliban! Osama Bin Laden is our Ruler.”

Bush said, “I had a dream last night, too. I flew over Afghanistan. There were beautiful new houses with lush green lawns in every city. There were highways and railroad lines filled with cars. And every house had a message painted on the roof.”

Osama asked, “What was the message painted on the roof of the houses?”

And Bush said, “I don’t know. I don’t read Hebrew.”

aaaahhhhhh… NOW i get it… (i’ve been in taiwan wayyy too long. they don’t play elevator music at all)

how about:
a little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so amused and touched that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

:smiley:

Osama bin Laden and Bush meet in Afghanistan. Osama’s chair has three buttons in the arm, Bush’s has none. Bin Laden hits the first button and a bucket of water falls on Bush. Bin Laden starts to laugh, and Bush decides to be cool and sits back down. A few minutes later, bin Laden hits the second button and a sandbag falls on Bush. Again, bin Laden begins to laugh. Bush says to himself, “Peace is more important, so I’ll keep my cool”. Bush sits down, and bin Laden hits the third button, and a bag of sugar falls on Bush. This time, Bush says to bin Laden, “No more. We will continue the meeting in Washington next week.”

One week later in Washington D.C., Bush and bin Laden are sitting in their chairs. Bush’s chair has three buttons. Bush hits the first one, bin Laden jumps from his chair, but nothing happens. Bin Laden sits back down and the meeting continues. Bush hits the second button and bin Laden jumps from his chair, but nothing happens. Near the end of the meeting, Bush hits the third button and again bin Laden jumps from his chair, but nothing happens. Bin Laden says “Is this about last week in Afghanistan?” and bush says back, “What Afghanistan?”

16 posts and 190 views and no blonde jokes?

So there’s this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following sign: “This parking space belongs to the Wizard… Violators will be toad.”

well, y’know, PC and all that…
o fine. Mudshark asked for it, though, so blondies, attack HIM instead…

A beautiful innocent blonde girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The Blonde drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The Blonde takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… please… Stay.”

Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

d&r