Joke thread

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

An Irishman walks out of a bar in Ireland, drunk of course.
He walks down the street and approaches a nun.

Upon coming up to her, he punches her in the face. She falls
to the ground and he proceeds to kick her profusely! When he is done he walks away a few steps, turns around and says…
“Not so invincible now, eh Batman?”

Two girls walk into a department store. They go to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. She tells her friend, “That smells quite nice Tracy, don’t you think?”

Tracy says, “Yes, what’s it called?”

Sharon looks at the label and says “Viens a moi!”

Tracy says, “Viens a moi? What does that mean?”

The clerk hears this and says, “Viens a moi is French for come to me’”

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again and says, “That doesn’t smell like come to me, does it smell like come to you?”

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through Rome.

The first nun takes a sudden turn down an old side-street, and it takes a moment before the second one pulls up alongside the first.

The second nun says, “Wow, I’ve never come this way before!”

The first one winks at her and says, “It’s the cobblestones!”

One day an Englishman, a German, and a Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of their favorite ale. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The German fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.

They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

  • On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
  • On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
  • On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
  • Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
  • In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
  • On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
  • On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

In a ski chalet sits a guy, drinking beer. His wife is skiing on the slopes. In runs a man, “An avalanche on the ski slope” says he. Sighs in relief does the guy, and says-Well, Snow news is good news!

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a local tribe there.

One day the wife of the tribe’s chief got pregnant and eventually gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that the baby was a white boy. He decided to have a talk with the missionary.

“Father, my wife gave birth to a baby.”

“That’s a very good news, Chief. Congratulations”

“But Father, it is a white boy! And since you are the only white man we’ve ever seen, people are asking quesitons.”

The missionary thinks for sometime and replies, “Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways. Take that sheep for example. A beautiful black sheep in a herd of white sheep”

The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment before he spoke,

“Okay Father, here’s the deal. You don’t tell anyone about the sheep and I’ll keep my mouth shut about the baby.”

This redneck couple gets married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, “Be gentle with me; I’m a virgin.”

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.

“Son, you done right”, says his pop. “If she weren’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours.”

I’m moving house and having a clear out. Just found a whole floppy of these:

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”. The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”. The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '”

> A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
>puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
> >astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this
>alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
>gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open
>his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
>witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
>The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
>bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
> alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
>crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
>bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
>head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
>genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
>first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
>again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s
>willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd.
>After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
> woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise
>not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a whore house. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, and had the money to buy it, and wasn’t leaving until he got it. She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had diseases, and of course the madam said just one.

He had heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and that was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to pay for it. The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know … tonight my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter. When they leave, I am going to give it to the babysitter, she’ll give it to my dad, and he’ll give it to my mom. In the morning when dad goes to work, she’ll give it to the milkman and that’s the son of a bitch that ran over my frog.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat!” No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed…

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: *** Shit! ***

Old joke from 5th grade, but still funny:

Bible class was always boring for little Johnny, and he would regularly doze off.

One day as Johnny snoozed, creation was the topic. “So children, who created the earth?” asked the teacher. Johnny’s friend Tim was afraid she would see Johnny sleeping, so Tim poked him with a pin, and Johnny exclaimed “Oh God”. “Very Good” said the teacher, glad you’re paying attention".

The next question was about the creation of man, and once again the pin and the scream.

Later as the topic shifted, the teacher asked what Adam said to Eve after they had Cain. Just as Tim prepared the pin Johnny yelled at him “You stick that thing in me again and I’ll break it off!”

Guy walks into an Irish wake, sees the open coffin and wailing women in black surrounding it, crying, “O’Reilly’s dead! O’Reilly’s dead!”

The priest takes the guy aside and says, “You know, O’Reilly’s dick is so big that we can’t close the coffin lid—we’ll have to bury him in this open one!”

Guy goes home and tells his wife, “I was just at a wake for a guy whose dick was so big they can’t close his coffin.” Wife bursts into tears: “O’Reilly’s dead!”