Q:- Why don’t blind people Skydive?
A:- It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q:- What’s got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A:- The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q:- What is the definition of Confidence?
A:- When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap
her on the ass and say, “You’re next!”
Q:- How does every ethnic joke start?
A:- By looking over your shoulder.
Q:- How do you know when you are getting old?
A:- When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q:- Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo
for her birthday?
A:- Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get fucked.
Q:- What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A:- One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub it!
Q:- When is a pixie not a pixie?
A:- When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.
Q:- What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A:- Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself!!
Q:- How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A:- Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q:- Why do seagulls have wings?
A:- To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q:- What is the speed limit for sex?
A:- 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over
Q:- What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A:- “It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night”
Q:- What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A:- “Vagitarian”
Q:- What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A:- When driving in the fog, you can’t see the asshole in front of
you.
Q:- What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A:- They both capture the moment.
Q:- How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A:- Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean
ladder
Q:- What’s green and gets you pissed?
A:- A Giro
Q:- How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:- None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “coping with
darkness”
Q:- What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A:- They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q:- What have women and condoms got in common?
A:- If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
Q:- What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A:- Well endowed.
Q:- What’s the difference between PMT and BSE?
A:- One’s mad cow’s disease and the other’s an agricultural problem.
Q:- What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A:- There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q:- Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby
winner, since 1945?
A:- Lester Piggott’s cell mate.
Q:- What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A:- Her feet.
Q:- What’s the difference between light and hard?
A:- You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q:- How do you make a dog drink?
A:- Put it in a liquidizer.
Q:- How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:- None, it’s probably screwed in too tight anyway.
Q:- What’s got four legs and an arm?
A:- A rottweiler.
Q:- What’s got two legs and bleeds?
A:- Half a dog.
Q:- What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A:- They’re both OK for a ride until your mates find out.
Q:- What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A:- Buy her some flowers.
Q:- What is the definition of confusion?
A:- Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
Q:- What is the definition of disgusting?
A:- Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
”Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”
”Well you can’t say fairer than that then.”
”Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
”Is it common?”
”It’s not unusual.”
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
”I don’t believe you,” said Dolly
”It’s true, straight up no bull!”
