Tasteless jokes - rated R

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
Say, “Nice dick.”

How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?"
Are you sure it’s mine?"

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at halfmast? They’re hiring.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama rancher with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time…” while a southern fairy tale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this
shit…”

2

Oh, yeah, feel free to post your own!

3

What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in common?

A black box.

4

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus, and announces that the octopus can play any instrument in the world. Everybody starts laughing at him, so he says, “I’ll bet fifty bucks that you can’t give my octopus an instrument he can’t play.”

A guy hands the octopus a guitar, and the octopus starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. So the guy forks over fifty bucks. Another guy hands the octopus a trumpet, and the octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So that guy forks over fifty bucks. A third guy hands the octopus a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then sets it down. The guy says, “Hah! Can’t you play it?”

The octopus says, “Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get those stupid plaid pajamas off, I’m gonna fuck it.”

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A male fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit.
He buzzes down and says, “Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?”

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A kid says, “Pop, what’s a vagina look like?”
His father says, “Son, before sex, a vagina is like a rose, with pink, velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume.”
The kid says, “What about after sex?”
His father says, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

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A guy is fucking his wife in the ass for the first time.
She says, “Ouch! That hurts!”
He says, “No, it doesn’t. It feels great.”

5

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an
obituary. She called the obituary department and said, “This
is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.” The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.” The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”

6

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "…and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

After several moments, a little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, “Holy Shit! A talking pig!”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 20 minutes.

7

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?”

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

“Wow,” says the barkeep. “What’d you do?”

“I walked over to my wife,” the man replies, “looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out.”

“That makes sense,” says the bartender. “And what about your best friend?”

“I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’”

8

A man gets told by the doctor he has 24 hours to live. He rushes home to his wife. He tells her that before he goes he wants to have sex one more time. She says OK and they go at it. Afterwards he says “that was great lets do it again.” She says OK and they do it again. Afterwards he says “Let’s do it one last time” She says “Well that’s easy for you to say, you don’t have to get up in the morning”

9

Oh G-d puddle. That’s terrible. :slight_smile: I like it.
Okay tired jokes, but they still make me laugh.

What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being a f***ing retard.

A man is walking along the beach one day and notices a para-plegic(sp?) woman crying… staring at the sunset. The man stepped over to her and asked, “Why are you crying? Are you okay?” She replied, “Oh, it’s just that I’ve lived my whole life and I’ve never hugged a man…” He looked at her for a moment, then bent down and gave her a quick hug and said, “Well, I hope that makes you feel better.” As he started to walk off he heard her start bawling again, so he walked back and again inquired, “What’s wrong now?” To which she replied, “Oh, I’ve spent my whole life and I’ve never been kissed by a man.” So he thought about it for a second and bent down to kiss her lightly and said “I hope you feel better now…” and headed off hurriedly. He got about 20 feet away and she started absolutely wailing. So, a little perturbed he walked back and asked her, “What’s wrong now?!” To which she replied, “It’s just, I’ve… <sob> Spent my whole life and…never… never made love to a man.” So he thought for a moment, bent down gently and picked her up and flung her in the ocean shouting, “There! Now you’re f***ed!”

Okay, I think that’s quite enough jokes at the expense of the handicapped for one day.