I always ruin these kinds of jokes. “The white? That’s the albumen.” And then I get irritable looks.
I remember once when I was a teenager, our teacher tried one of those jokes on the class: “If a plane crashes right on the state border, on what side to they bury the survivors?” And me, Little Miss Literal, had go go and crash the party by saying, “Well, the victims would be buried wherever their families live. They just don’t bury bodies where they fall, you know.”
Person #1: Help me out, is this gramatically correct, and if not, what is - “All egg yolks is white.”
Person #2: No, all egg yolks ARE white.
Person #1: That’s odd, I always thought they were yellow.
Two, one from obnoxious childhood:
Person #1: Pronounce “C-A-L”
Person #2: ‘Cal’
Person #1: Pronounce “V-E-S”
Person #2: ‘Ves’
Person #1: Pronouce “C-A-L-V-E-S”
Person #2: ‘Cal-ves’
Person #1: No, calves.
one from annoying adolescence:
Person #1: This girl is trying to hitchhike, and a truckdriver stops and says “What will you do for me if I give you a ride?” She replies: “I’ll give you the greatest blow-job you ever had!” The trucker says “Hey! Hop right in!”
A few minutes later, he says “OK, whenever you’re ready!” So the girl leans over to unzip his fly, and as she’s doing it, she hits her head on the uh, um, oh shit! <waves frantically in front of him/herself to indicate brain-fart loss of word>
Person #2: Dashboard?
Person #1: Oh, you blow truckdrivers too?
Two from when I volunteered at a summer camp:
Spell “image” then say “lightbulb”.
Point to your head and say the abbreviation for “Montana”.
One from a joke book I had as a kid:
Person #1: “What does ‘t e r r i f y’ spell?”
Person #2: “Terrify.”
Person #1: “What does ‘t i s s u e’ spell?”
Person #2: “Tissue.”
Person #1: “Put them together and what have you got?”
Person #2: “Terrify tissue?”
Person #1: “Heck no! Go ahead.”
Another classic, but ought to be listed:
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him, and pitch the giraffe into a double-play.
What does M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y spell?
Monopoly.
What does P-O-L-O-P-O-N-Y spell?
No, idiot, not polopony – polo pony.
This is visual, so I hope I can describe it adequately…
Me: I’m going to show you a magic trick! (Takes out a dollar bill and turns it to the reverse side. Points to the Great Seal of the United States.) Do you see the wing on the eagle?
Victim: Yes
Me: (Folds the bill lengthwise.) Can you still see the wing?
Victim: Yes
Me: (Folds the bill lenthwise again.) Now can you see the wing?
Victim: Yes.
Me: (Folds the bill lengthwise again – it’s now about 1/4" wide). NOW can you see the wing?
**
Victim**: Yes!
Me: (Bends the two ends down at a right angle. Balances the folded bill on my outstretched index finger.) Good! Now say “wing” three times.
Victim: Wing. Wing. Wing.
**
Me:** (Picks the folded bill up and holds like telephone receiver and speaks in an Elmer Fudd voice.) Heh-wo?
OK, maybe this should go in the obsolete jokes category…
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Cough, cough.
My friend told me a joke once similar to that. The begining was a bit of banter about gay people knowing everything, this went on for a few examples, then the story leads to a mall and the main character of the joke is going to the second floor of the mall on one of those things…ya know the steps that move…like stair but automatic.
An Escalator?
See you DO know everything.
And for the third version, I always told it with a guy playing a game identifying whatever the other person stuck in his ass. He identifies an egg, bicycle handles, a cucumber. And then his friend goes into the bathroom and gets one of those, you know, when the toilet gets clogged… (make plunging motions with your hands)
Rube “A plunger”
Me “Oh, you play that game too?”
I wonder how many other versions there are?
Stick out your tongue and hold it with your fingers. Now say “Apple.”
(Every time, it sounds like they’re saying “Asshole.”)
[Homer] Not being a moron, I wouldn’t know. [/Homer]
Hell, I’ll give it a shot…
So, I fucking had to go the mall the other day, you know I hate malls!, but I needed a new shirt for work and Gap has the basically the only ones those dickheads allow… so I anyway I trudged through the parade of assholes, and paid $29 dollars for a stupid “Polo” shirt. Anyway… I had to be at work in an hour, so it wasn’t worth driving 20 minutes each way home, and I need some lunch anyway, so I said, “Fuck it”, I’ll have a stupid Big Mac and some goddam chicken nuggets. I still had a lot of time to kill, so I went in, got my damn food, and sat down to eat there. You KNOW, I fucking HATE snot nosed kids, and they were running rampant! There were like twenty fat ugly stupid mothers with like 100 fat ugly stupid kids running everywhere. No parental guidance anyfuckingwhere. I swear I was ready to pull out a machete and start chopping heads off left and right. So I’m half finished with my nasty-ass greasy Big Mac, when I realize I hadn’t pissed since last night, and my king sized Coke wasn’t helping. I figured, hell, I’ll leave my coat and my shopping bag, surely nobody is uncouth enough to blatantly enough to steal anything with all these other people around. So I leave all my shit there, and go piss. When I get back I scarf down my nasty burger and get up, but my goddamn Gap bag is gone! I had put it on the inside of the booth, by the window, but apparently nobody noticed when some dickhead asshole motherfucker stole it becacuse of their ugly snotnosed fucking derelict kids. I look around, and see this fat whore with four fucking fat ass ugly kids, and she’s carrying 4 (four!) Gap bags! Same fucking bitch that had let her yardapes ruin everything for everbody all lunch. I chase after her, catch her in the parking lot, and ask if she’s sure all those bags are hers. Of course, she’s indignant, and procedes to herd her nasty demons into the fucking car. Right then, I notice MY FUCKING RECEIPT stapled to the FUCKING TOP OF MY FUCKING BAG. I go to grab it, but can you believe she starts screaming rape??? I can’t afford another shirt, and by now I have to be at work in 20 minutes, so I try to pass her up and just get my damn shirt. Well, she falls down, I grab my bag, but before I can walk away she grabs my fucking ankle and trips me! Believe that Shit??? I’m trying to get away but bitch has the Death Lock, she’s pulling and pulling on my leg…
… just like I’m pulling yours 
Q.: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway shopping bag?
(response): Dunno–
A.: You take the “S” out of “Safe”, and the “F” out of “way”!
(response): --thinks for a minute-- There IS no “F” in “way”!
A.: That’s right!
(there IS NO F’in’ way – there is no F****n’ way – dig?)
all the best jokes come from 12 year olds.
Many years ago I was at a friend’s family gathering. I decided to pull an old joke on one of the younger kids, so I asked if he knew he had “snoo” in his blood. The victim is supposed to say, “what’s snoo?”, but this kid pronounced it very carefully and said, “what is snoo?” as three distinct words. I couldn’t use the punchline, so I just said, “it’s something you have in your blood.” The kid kept asking, “what. is. snoo?” and I kept leading him on. Finally, in frustration the kid said, “WHAT’S SNOO?!?!?!”
I replied, “Nothing much. What’s snoo with you?”
Several minutes later the kid walked up to one of his great uncles and asked, “Did you know you have snoo in your blood?” The man looked calmly at the kid for a few seconds and replied, “You are peculiar.”
The great uncle shoots - he scores!
The other day a neighbor that I don’t know well yet (but has a good sense of humor) was visiting. He’s not sure how to take me yet and is terribly polite in my company, even though I know he’s got a bad side to him. He didn’t know I’m a jokester.
So my husband, he, and I are sitting out having a drink and all of a sudden my dog starts licking his dick, right there in front of everyone. I very straight said “Hey, don’t you wish you could do that?” He laughs and says “Yeah! Sure do!” and I replied “Well, go offer him a treat and he’ll probably let you.”
I then ruined it by laughing myself into tears until he thought I was just plain unstable, but man- talk about hook, line and sinker. gulp
(that’s not an original joke by any means, but I don’t recall where I first heard it)
If you haven’t heard/read Lewis Grizzard’s version of this based on the University of Georgia’s mascot bulldog Uga, his punchilne is: “That dog’ll bite you.” (done in a heavy hick accent).
I’m 50 and I’ve never run across that one before! Oh, well done!