Last one from me (for now):
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
These are terrible jokes and you all should be ashamed of yourseves. You are horrible, horrible people.
Likewise, I am filled with self-loathing for reading every last joke and finding almost all of them funny.
I feel so icky.
KJ- I heard it a different way:
Q: Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
A: She sings with the other.
While I’m on the subject and remembering things-
Q: How’d Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A: She tried to read a stucco wall.
Q:…and what do elephants use for vibrators?
A (everybody on this part): Epileptics!
A woman is a slobbering Elvis Presley fan, and decides to do him a tribute by having his face tattooed in a rather intimate place: very high up on her inner thigh, where she can always be, er…um, close to him. The tattooist has her shuck her lower clothing (all of it), and sets to work. After several hours of attention he helps her to a mirror to see what she thinks.
The woman is OUTRAGED. “That doesn’t look a thing like Elvis, you moron!” she yells at the guy. “It looks more like Jay Leno! I can’t believe I’m gonna have to spend the rest of my life with Jay Leno kissing me down there!”
The artist tries to calm her down, and offers to do one on the other side for free. She agrees reluctantly, he gets her back on the table and goes to work. Several more hours later, they make another trip to the mirror.
"PAUL fucking MCCARTNEY?!?!?" she screams at him. “Did I fucking ASK for Paul-fucking-McCartney, you imbecile? You’re nothing but a ripoff! I ain’t paying a damned DIME for this shit!!”
At this point, the tattooist has had it. An entire day shot, two tattoos of the King (some of his best work ever, he thought), and she expects to throw a tantrum and walk out without paying?? Not on him, she doesn’t. “Okay, lookee here, bitch: I think YOU’RE the one trying to rip ME off, but I’m willing to get a third opinion. We’ll ask the first person we see on the street what they think, and if they agree with you, I won’t charge you at all. But if they think they DO look like Elvis, you’re paying full price for both.”
“Fine,” she huffs, and they exit the shop. The first person they come across is a wino in the alley. “Hey buddy,” says the tattooist, shoving the womans pelvis in his face, “who does this look like to you?”
The wino squints blearily up at the tableau before him. “Well, I dunno who the twins are, but the guy in the middle shore looks like Willie Nelson.”
“Mommy, mommy, I keep going around in circles!”
‘Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!’
Moosehead…
A good beer and a new experience for the moose.
What’s fourteen inches long, purple, and makes women scream?
Crib death.
Oboy–goin’ to hell now…
A pedophile is walking through the woods at midnight, with a small boy.
“Hey mister”, the young child says. “I’m scared”.
“You’re scared?” He replies. “I have to walk back by myself!”
What’s the worst thing about having sex with a minor?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
What’s the definition of “confusion”?
Two blind lesbinas in a fish market.
What’s the difference between a bull and a bull dyke?
Ten pounds and a plaid shirt.
Two guys are sitting in the park, watching the children play.
“Man”, says the first guy. “Look at that chick! I’d sure love a piece of that!”
“You sick bastard!” Comes the reply. “She’s got to be at least eight!”
An old one, but…
Q: What’s blue and comes in brownies?
A: Cub scouts
I am REALLY sorry about this one. Some people might wish to skip it…
A leper finds out he is going to die soon, and decides to do something that his condition has always prevented: eat a really good meal in a fancy restuarant. So he books himself a reservation, gets himself as presentable as possible, and goes down to the ritziest eatery in the city. He asks to be seated over in the corner, rather behind a plant, so as not to attract too much attention. His order is taken, and soon his salad arrives.
Fork halfway to his mouth, he notices another patron watching him with a rather green expression on his face. The leper instantly gets up and apologises, explaining his condition, and that this had been a dream of his for years. It was selfish of him, and he will leave so as not to ruin the patron’s meal. The patron quite graciously assures him that it’s okay, he deserves a night out, and the patron will be fine.
Leper goes back to his table behind the plant, finishes his salad, and the soup comes. Again, he notices the same patron staring, this time visibly struggling to keep his food down. The leper apologises and offers to leave again, but the patron rather weakly asks him to please finish his meal, and not worry.
Leper sits down, main course comes. He’s just about to take his first bite when the patron noisly vomits all over the floor. Horrified, the leper rushes to assure him that he is leaving, this was a horribly selfish idea, and apologises profusely.
“No, no, you don’t understand,” the patron gasps, choking, “it’s not YOU; it’s the guy sitting behind you, dipping his biscuit in your neck!”
THAT will teach you to start a thread like this.
Ewww that was really depraved (but I ** LOVED **it).
Likewise this…
What’s the Welsh definition of a Leisure center?
5 sheep tied to a lamp post.
.
How do you starve a Scouse family to death?
Hide the money under the soap.
.
.
A journalist had just gotten a job with a local newspaper in Texas. his first assignment was to do a local interest piece. He had to interview someone famous in the local community and do a sort of 300 word biography outlining their most famous achievements, their contributions to the community etc…
Well this guy was new in town and he had no idea who was well respected in thge community and who was not and he ** really ** needed this job so he decided to just interview the most interesting looking person he saw and maybe he’d strike lucky so anyway, he’s driving around and getting more and more desperate every minute because every single person in the town seemed dull and uninteresting but after a hile he drove past a farm and saw a very old man pulling up vegetables. The reporter thought “Hmm, someone that old must have * some * stories to tell, I’ll go see if he wants to do an interview”
So the reporter goes over to the farmer, introduces himself and explains about the interview which, luckily enough, the farmer is more than happy to do. About half an hour later the reoprter and the farmer are sitting on the porch drinking home made lemonade chatting about this and that when the reporter decides to begin the interview for real.
“Ok, tell me about one event in your life which made you happy” the reporter said.
“Well” said the farmer “There was a thing that happened, must have been nigh on 40 years ago, neighbours daughter got lost. We all formed a posse, went out lookin’ for her and when we found her we all had our way with her and brought her back”
“JESUS, I can’t print THAT” the reporter cried, tell me something else!!
“Well” said the farmer " I remember one time, must have been nigh on 30 years ago, neighbours sheep got lost. We all formed a posse, went out lookin’ for it and when we found it we all had our way with it and brought it back."
“Oh Holy GOD!! I can’t print that either!!! Perhaps we should try another line of questioning. O.K. tell me something that made you sad”
The farmer’s face grew melancholy and he stared at the ground and said
“Well, I got lost once”
A man walks into the barber shop with his 8-year-old daughter and takes a seat in the barber chair. As the barber goes to work, he notices the little girl, eating a snack cake, is standing a bit too close. He says:[ul]“Step back, little girl. You’ll get hair on your twinkie.”[/ul]The little girl grins and excitedly replies:[ul]“Yeah, and I’m gonna get BOOBS, too!”[/ul]
[Rimshot]
Yeah it’s long but very funny!
A guy gets arrested for screwing a sheep in the town square and was taken to jail. He promply makes bail and sets out looking for a lawyer.
The first attorney he talked to said, “I’m the best trial lawyer in this country. I have no equal. I can guarentee I’ll get you off”. “How much do you charge?”, asked the man. “$500.00/Hr.”, sez the attorney. “Sorry sez the man , I can’t afford that.”
The 2nd attorney said, “I’m the best researcher in the country.If there is a precedent, I’ll find it. I’ll get you aqquitted, guarenteed!” “How much?” “$250.00/Hr.” “thanks, but too much”
Third lawyer said, “I’m the best jury picker in the country. If there is a jury of your peers, I’ll find them. We will win this case!” “How much?” “$25.00/Hr” "Perfect, you’re hired?’
On the day of the trial the prosecutor asked the defendant ,while on the stand , “Sir, tell us what happened that day”.
“Well”,sez the man, “I saw the goat, I couldn’t resist , so I fucked him”
“Then what happened?” said the prosecutor.
“Well, then the goat turned around and licked my balls”.
At that point one of the jurors turned to another and said, “you know, a good goat’ll do that.”
I love that joke!
What did the leper tell the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
How do you know when lepers are playing hockey?
There’s a face off on the ice.
What is the definition of gross?
You are eating out a pregnant woman and a hand grabs your tongue.
Why don’t blacks fuck Mexicans?
They are afraid their kids will be too lazy to go out and steal.
What did Michael Jackson say after settling the suit charging him with child sexual abuse?
I feel like a kid again.
Thank you.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 9 shots of tequila. The barman says “That’s a lot, what’s the occasion?” To which the guy replies “First blowjob.” The bartender says “Wow! Congratulations! Why not make it an even 10 shots of Tequila?” And the guy says “Hey, if 9 won’t get rid of the taste, I doubt 10 will.”
OK, the last one was a bit tame, how about one that works better visually?
Two guys are standing at the bus-stop on their way to work in the morning when one guy notices the other going (Do this: sniff your finger and sigh/say “Aaaahh, FiFi.”). The next day the guy watches the other one do the same thing (repeat finger sniff). The first guy gets curious and asks “Why is it that every morning you stand there and go (repeat finger sniff)?” The other guy replies “Every morning before I go to work I finger my wife FiFi so I can smell her all day when working and think about her and our nights together.” The first guy thinks about it and they go to work. The next morning they are standing there once again and the one guy goes (repeat finger sniff with “Aaaahhh, Fifi.”) and the other one looks at him, smiles and goes (start sniffing at your elbow, going all the way down to your fingers and say “Bertha.”).
Sorry.
A guy is sitting at the bar with a depressed look on his face. Another patron skoots over and asks him why the long face?
“You see this bar, I built this bar with my own hands, but do they call me ‘Bob, the bar builder’?” “No, they don’t!”
then
“You see that dock over by the lake, well I built that with my own hands as well, but do they call me 'Bob, the dock builder?”
No, i guess they don’t replies the stranger.
"But you fuck one goat…
What does a silver medal Olympics winner and a catholic priest have in common?
-They both came in a little behind
Who is the fastest man on the planet?
-An ethiopian with a lunch ticket.
What is the speed limit of sex?
-68, because once you hit 69 you have to turn around
A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are standing on the corner, when they see a young boy walking down the street towards them.
The priest says: “Hey Schlomo, see that little boy? Let’s go over there and screw him!”
The rabbi says: “Out of what?”