Old one from the 90’s:
Q: Why do the LAPD carry nightsticks?
A: Beats me…
In a World War II German prison camp – The Kommandant announces: “Today, ve are going to haff games. Ze British vill play cricket on ze cricket field. Ze Americans vill play baseball on ze baseball field. Und ze Jews vill play hopscotch on ze minefield.”
Three undertakers (US – morticians) are bragging about the most demanding and difficult successfully-accomplished jobs they have ever done.
U1: I once had a chap who’d been run over by a steamroller. It took me a month to make him three-dimensional once again.
U2: Well, I once had a chap who was killed by falling into a bacon-slicer. It took me two months to sort everything out into the proper order.
U3: That’s nothing. I once had a gay fellow who fell off a cliff onto a broomstick. It took me three months to wipe the smile off his face.
Feeble and not-very-nasty one; but anyway…
Little Johnny, in elementary school, is asked by the teacher to use the word, new to him, “frugal”. He asks her to tell what it means: she duly explains, “it means, to be careful of what you’ve got, to take care of what you spend and use; it basically means, to save”.
Little Johnny thanks her, and sets about his assignment. “The gallant knight was galloping through the forest on his steed, when he heard sounds of distress. He galloped in the direction of the sounds, and found that they came from a beautiful maiden who was being attacked by a ravening monster, which was about to eat her. She was shouting, ‘Frugal me ! Frugal me !’ So he frugalled her.”
From way back when when being gay carried a terrible social stigma.
Two guys, down on their luck, want to go bar hopping but only have a couple of bucks between them. One says they could probably get a couple of beers at the corner liquor, but the other guy says he has a better idea. “We’ll go into this store and buy a salami, then we go to the bar and order a couple of drinks, but before the bartender collects the money, I’ll put this salami down between my legs and you go down and suck on it and they will think we’re queers and throw us out. Then we’ll go to the next bar and do it again.” So they put their plan into action, and get thrown out of a few bars and they are getting a bit lit up. The guy doing the sucking says, "You know, I’m kind of feeling a bit embarassed doing this; how about if you give me the salami, and YOU go suck on it in the next bar!
His friend says, "Salami? What salami? I threw that away after the first bar.
What do you get when a Mexican marries into a Mormon family?
A years supply of stolen hubcaps.
Richard Carpenter has recorded a new song - “She Ain’t Heavy She’s My Sister.”
Q: What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny’s batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming…
Three pregnant women were waiting a gynecologist’s office, each of them knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. “What was that?” the others asked. “Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy.”
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. “What was that?” the others asked. “Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong.”
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. “What was that?” the others asked her. “It’s Thalidomide,” she said. “I just can’t get the arms right on this freaking sweater!”
Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” he said.
The other man replies, “No, just having a shit.”
What’s gray, runs along walls and kills Jews?
Gas Pipes
runs
OK…I laughed at 98% of those so I’m definitely going to hell now…
So, whatever, here goes-
Whats the difference between a Black guy and a Picnic table ?
A picnic table can support a family.
(I really love that joke. Not because of the rascist element, but the picnic table/support pun. I could never tell the joke in person so I adapted it to - Whats the difference between a banjo player…)
I hope you all don’t hate me
I feel **REALLY **bad about this one, but it is an objectively (and objectionally) funny joke from the 80’s:
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe’s last words?
A: No! I meant, “Bud Light”!
::crawls away in shame::
::crawls back:
Q: What did the proctolgist tell his nurse when she gave him a beer?
A; No! I said, “butt light”!
::slinks away::
Also vintage Challenger jokes:
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A: Need Another Shuttle Also
Q: Why did they pick Tang as the official beverage of NASA?
A: They had tried to get 7-UP but weren’t able to.
Q: What color were Christa McAuliffe’s eyes?
A: Blue. One blew east, the other blew west.
Q. What were Christa McAuliffe’s last words to her husband before leaving for Florida?
A: “You feed the dogs…I’ll feed the fish!”
Also, from the same era:
Q: What type of wood doesn’t float?
A: Natalie Wood.
^ Robert Wagner’s last words to NW: Do you want to shower here, or would you rather wash up on shore?
What do you say to a black jew?
Get to the back of the oven!!
Have you heard the Karen Carpenter version of “Food Glorious Food”?
Did you hear they found a part of a black astronaut washed up on a beach?
Turned out to be an old radiator hose.
If Mama Cass had just given her sandwich to Karen Carpenter…
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You’ve already told her twice.