Just a chore, not a job, and smelly thieves need not apply

[SeaDragonTattoo]

Posted in a local community message board. This just cracked me up. Some minor editing to take out some personal info:

Person who is disabled senior needs person to iron her clothes already washed - not a permanent job*
Need cotton and linen clothes ironed, already washed. My male caregiver is not good at ironing and I have lots of ironing, but may be only able to pay for about 5 hours of ironing depending on price. May be able to barter some of the cost. No smokers, no heavy drinkers–cannot handle the smell in clothes or on skin of smoker. No slow or inexperienced ironers. No one looking for a place to stay or senior to take advantage of–you can’t. If you eat meat, fish, eat outside. This is a vegan household. It’s just ironing laundry. Not a job, but a chore that I have to have done and willing to be late paying a bill to have it done. Prefer drug-free persons ages 16-80 of Afrikan (African), Creole or Hispanic descent who speak English, know to iron, and have references other than from relatives. Will consider others with the skills and health. Can use steamer for some clothes, iron and ironing board for others. Slackers, thieves, drug addicts, smokers, heavy drinkers, odiferous persons, those who carry concealed weapons wherever they go need not apply. I have allergies, abhor certain odors, and don’t want to have to have a security guard to avoid being robbed or beaten. Thanks*

I thought it might me nice to help this lady, but I don’t know how to work a steamer and would probably be too slow since I threw my iron out about 15 years ago. Who has so much stuff to iron?

[Snowboarder_Bo]

I was kind of sympathetic until I got to

Prefer drug-free persons ages 16-80 of Afrikan (African), Creole or Hispanic descent who speak English, know to iron, and have references other than from relatives.

Who gives a shit what race or ethnic background a person is from to do ironing???

[Little_Nemo]

I’m not an Afrikan, Creole, or Hispanic. Once again my white skin has barred me from my dreams of entering domestic service.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

Well, she does say she will consider others with the skills and health. I don’t have the skills to back up my lack of a tan!

[Little_Nemo]

I read that ad and here’s how I translate it in my head:

1. I want everything to be done exactly in one specific way.
2. You’ll never be able to do it the way I want it done.
3. I am going to complain about it.

[VinylTurnip]

Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best friends are teetotaling Creole vegan independent contractor professional ironers.

[Amateur_Barbarian]

So it’s a disabled vegan senior with a very sensitive nose who probably wears cotton and linen for “health” reasons but can’t stand to wear any of it wrinkly and so wants someone to do the job for them, perfectly, but without the slightest objectionable characteristic like a whiff of salmon filet on them and thinks darker-hued providers will coordinate better with the light clothing. Perfectly reasonable. I don’t see what all the questions are about.

[Kimballkid]

Don’t forget, they can’t be lazy, drunk, high, stoned, have sticky fingers or carry a gun.

[Hampshire]

@Little_Nemo

I read that ad and here’s how I translate it in my head:

1. I want everything to be done exactly in one specific way.
2. You’ll never be able to do it the way I want it done.
3. I am going to complain about it.

4. If your work isn’t up to my standards I obviously won’t be paying you.
5. If your work is up to my standards I will decide after the job is complete how much and when I will pay you.

[The_Second_Stone]

Situations available: person with multiple annoying neuroses and personality disorders seeks masochist.

[SeaDragonTattoo]

First reply, and I don’t think he’s joking:

How much will you pay per hour? If you don’t mind some heavy tattoos and body piercings I am cool with your food and allergy restrictions and could get a great recommendation from my parole officer (I’m drug-free, sober and bath frequently.)

[Fluffy_PickleSniffer]

Hmmm… well, I see she didn’t mention cat fur on clothes as a bad thing among her list of no-nos, so I guess if she can get past my white skin I could help her out - and leave plenty of soft, fluffy kitty fur from my 4 longhaired cats all over her clothes in the process. But That’s a bonus - I wouldn’t charge extra for the fur.

[Lynn_Bodoni]

I believe that you should never charge extra for the fur. After all, the cats provide it to us as a free gift, and presumably don’t mind if we distribute it world wide.

My reading of the ad is “I want a laundry slave, but they aren’t available. However, I DO have standards to keep up. And if you don’t measure up, I’m not going to pay you all that I’ve promised.”