I was in the kitchen and suddenly I heard my three year old son crying in the living room. I went out there and saw that he was bleeding from the nose. (It has happened before, his mother had the same when she was a child.) I went to fetch some paper and wiped him clean. Told him that even though it’s unpleasant, it isn’t dangerous. He was OK. I went back to the kitchen, cooking dinner. Heard him cry some again. The nosebleed was back. I put a cold wet towel on the nose between the eyes until it stopped, and another at the back of his neck. He didn’t like that especially. The bleeding stopped. He was cool. I went back to the kitchen.
This has never happened before, his nose began to bleed yet again. I came with very cold towels and told him to lie down. He was a bit scared, the bleeding and all. He didn’t want to lie down. I told him that daddy needs him to lie down now. Put a wet cold towel behind his back, another above the nose. He lay there and looked up at me, I looked at him. “Just lie here now”, I said. He didn’t say a thing, just looked at me with his big blue eyes.
“Do you have blood in your mouth?” I said.
“Ok, it’s from the nosebleed, it’s nothing dangerous in any way, but it’s unpleasant. It will stop soon.”
He nodded again.
We looked at each other a couple of minutes.
“Has it stopped?” I asked.
“You want some water?”
He nodded, got some water.
I took away the towel from his nose, but the one behind his neck was still there.
As I sat there on the sofa, looking down, and he was there looking up into my eyes, almost examining my eyes, I got a strange sensation, of myself lying on the sofa, looking up upon my own father.
He said: “One day I will grow up like you.”
I smiled and nodded.
He said: “Then I will carry you.”
I smiled and nodded.
“And you will become like a little boy, and I will carry you, dad”, he said.
For some reason my eyes went a little wet, and I nodded, and he shone up like a happy child, like a sun.
I closed my eyes and I hugged him hard. “Ok”, I said, “you’re fine now. It’s dinner.”
I don’t know, but sometimes you get those feelings that life is just… greater than life, when you expect it the least, inbetween work and dishes and everything. Little pieces of… to quote Dostojevskij: “I’m a human! The sun is shining!”