Just because I'm sick and tired of all the Gay-bashing done by the "Religious Right"

The BBQ Pit
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…thought I’d share a few things with anyone feeling self-righteous about … well … about anything!

Old Testament Classics:

**- Get Fast Cash Now! Sell your daughter into slavery! ** Exodus 21:7
(Tip: You’ll get more money for her if she’s a virgin… you know how those slave owners like to pop that cherry themselves! :eek:)

**- Wimmins riding the cotton pony stay the hell away from da menfolks!! ** Lev.15:19- 24
(Yeah… I gotta admit, I like this one. Gives me a reason to say “Go get it yerself!” :smiley: )

** - Slaves?? “Okie Dokie” just as long as they’re from neighboring nations!** Lev. 25:44
(I’m tellin’ ya… I’m headed to Mexico to get me a boy to take care of the lawn! Might get a gal for doing the laundry if I kin find one cheap… who knows… mebbe I kin get a few young’uns outta them to make up for the initial cost, ya think???)

- Work 3rd shift on a Friday night/Saturday morning?? You must DIE!! Exodus 35:2
*(Although, let’s face it… if you’re working 3rd on a Friday night… yer dead already! :rolleyes:) *

** - Eat at Red Lobster? SINNER!!! ** Lev. 11:10
(Yeah Dum Bass, that means shrimp and lobster too. Any water creature with an exoskeleton = shellfish!!!)

** -The Hippies were right!!** Ponytail = good, Flattop = SINNER!!! Lev. 19:27

**- NO polyester blends!! **Fabrics must be all or nuthin! Lev. 19:19
(I gotta admit… I’m grateful for this one! Too many fat chicks in stretchy pants waddling around the Wal-Mart as it is!)

What’s that you say???
The Old Testament is no longer in effect since Jesus came???
Then how about we list some New Testame…
Oops… Guess y’all missed this part:

**- THE OLD TESTAMENT STANDS UNTIL THE END OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!!! ** Matthew 5:18-19

NOTE: ^^^^ the above is taken from the words of Christ in the New Testament^^^^ END NOTE
Ok… on to some New Testament Goodies:

- All you wimmins need to sit down, shut up, and color!!! …an’ while yer at it… go make me a sammich! 1 Tim. 2:11-14
(Oh yeah… I know you manly-types are lovin’ that one! LOL)

**- Wimmins what adorn themselves up wif jew’ry an’ fancy clothes and get their hair did?? = SINNERS!!! ** 1 Timothy 2:9
(Although not specifically mentioned in the bible, I’m betting that fake nails, fake tans, fake tits, bleached hair and make-up are all no-nos as well! :eek:)

  • Just in case ya missed it the first time… Jewelry and Fancy clothes and Done up 'dos = SINNER!!! 1 Peter 3 :3
    (I reckon someone thought this wuz important since they stuck in two different books of the bible! ;))

** - 401K? = SINNER!!! ** Matthew 6:34

** - Savings account? = SINNER!!! ** Matthew 6:19-20

** - Getting a chubby over the neighbor girl? = SINNER!!! ** Matthew 5:28-30
(it’s recommended that you pluck out your eye so it won’t happen again… :rolleyes:)

  • All them uppity slaves that pissed and moaned about their Masters in the South and stirred up revolts = SINNERS and going straight to HELL!! 1 Peter 2:18

** - Gentiles and Samaritans are NOT to be taught about Jesus!!** Matt. 10:5-8 :eek:
(Gosh… that kinda means any of you that aren’t a “Jew for Jesus” are fucked!)

Hey… I didn’t make this shit up… I’m just reporting it!
Those 12 years of teaching Sunday School paid off, eh? LOL

Point being this:
**If you eat shrimp you are just as sinful as the guy that takes it up the pooper, Sugar-Britches! **
So get over yourself!
If you are going to claim that one small part of the bible is the absolute last word on whether or not Bill & Ted can get married, then you sort of HAVE to accept that ALL of the bible is in effect.
**You can’t have it both ways. **

So what’s it to be? Can Bill & Ted get married or are you gonna stop cutting your hair and eating shrimp?

Now before you go getting yourself all riled up into a Baptist-frenzy of self-righteous hypocrisy… lemme just add this:
Just because I take issue with a book written by a bunch of misogynistic goat herders nearly two thousand years ago doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God! Because I do!!

But remember folksies… there are a significantly high number of contradictory and out-right EVIL practices advocated in that moldy old book.

Jesus said the Kingdom of God is within you.
But then… Jesus didn’t write the bible, did he? :smack:
That misogynist Paul did most of the writing/teaching for the New Testament.

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No, but I think he wrote a blurb for the first edition, something like “Couldn’t put it down! But that might have been because it was stuck to the nail driven into my hand…”

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:smiley:

… wrists. Nail driven through his wrists. :stuck_out_tongue:

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This thread is just plain gay.

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snort :smiley:

You’re bad! LOL

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This is looks like the kind of post lurking guest would write if he started taking his meds again.

Cogent and well-referenced. Nicely done.

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I get the distinct impression that “lurking guest” is (or was) a semi-permanent member here?

I can promise you I’m not him.

First… I’m as female as a cat in heat.
Second… I just joined here a few days ago.
Third… Uh… Hmmmm… I can’t think of a third! LOL

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You are new here.

No. 3 is always “Hi, Opal.”

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“Hi, Opal”???

Is she the resident Diety of these here parts? :smiley:

On edit:

HA!!! Just followed the link you gave! LOLOLOL

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We keep kosher, and we have eaten at Red Lobster. They have kosher fish.

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Well, yeah. But Red Lobster is just plain lousy, so you’ve paid for your sin already. :stuck_out_tongue:

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But do they keep the milk in the same refrigerator as they do the meat??? :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

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In that case she should “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11) :wink:

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Look at all the money and time I wasted on theology and biblical interpretation studies when I could have just had you cherry-pick verses out of any historic or textual context and tell me what they mean. Kinda like the gay-bashers do.

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Very insightful, Skammer. Do you think, and really I’m just spitballing here, that maybe that was the entire point of the op? I dunno, he was being so subtle about it…

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That would be pretty much any time or money. Eh, pointless thread, anyway.

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I’m looking quite too big for my trip through the eye of the needle.

I hope they meant the Space Needle.

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Skammer, I’m sure you probably haven’t realized this yet, but you DID waste your money on theology and biblical interpretation studies.* There is no god, and all religion is foolishness.

Yes, Doxy did cherry-pick and take quite a few verses out of context, and she ignored some mitigating details and alternate interpretations of some of those passages. As a very well educated ex-Christian who knows the Bible (and apologetics and hermeneutics) better than most, I was able to spot these right away.

But the point remains: Modern Christians do, as a matter of demonstrable fact, pick and choose which Biblical mandates they’re going to adhere to and observe. There’s simply no denying this. So Doxy’s basic charge of hypocrisy stands unimpeached.

(Moreover, there are PLENTY of divinely-sanctioned or even divinely-commanded atrocities and moral obscenities in the Bible, that utterly negate the Judeo-Xtian God as any kind of moral authority at all. I’m happy to cite and comment on these, IN CONTEXT. So why in fuck’s name Christians want to uphold the Biblical god as “good,” and condemn homosexuality because he so decrees it, is utterly beyond me.)
*By the way, did you know that Muslims and Mormons use the exact same kind of weasely “interpretation” techniques that Christians do, to explain away the absurdities, contradictions, and errors in their own holy books? I know this, because I’ve personally pored over thousands of pages of Mormon and Muslim scriptural apologetics and commentary, just as I have, over the Biblical. And in employing these methods, these scholars seem (superficially) very successful at upholding their holy books as divinely-authored. Just like Christian scholars. Think very carefully about what this might suggest about the interpretive validity of such hermeneutical techniques.

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She. I’m a woman.

And no, the entire point of the OP was exactly what I stated to be.
But thanks for weighing in. :rolleyes:

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I would welcome any differing opinion on the interpretation of the quoted verses.

Do you see any other way to interpret the following?

KJV Lev. 11:10

“And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:”

KJV is not always easy to follow… let’s try the NAS:

“But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you,”