This morning, I received an altogether charming e-mail from my ex-husband. Given the recent revelation that cunt is a term of endearment, the subject line “Fuck of @ die” (sic) and the entire content of the message, “fucking cunt,” wax almost poetic. Heck, it could have been an attempt at a love letter, but somehow, I just don’t think he meant this in the nicest possible way.
When I read it, I felt all the old familiar dread. “What did I do now?”, “How’s he going to punish me this time?” etc. etc. (Yes, I know that those are unhealthy reactions, and that it was an unhealthy situation, which is why he’s my ex-husband.) Anyway, all day I’ve felt just the same as when I was still in that situation, powerless, fearful, guilty, literally sick with dread.
I finally came to the conclusion that I hadn’t done anything to warrant his ire. The only conversations I’ve had with him since our divorce was finalized were to notify him of any problems our now 18 year old son has had and how those were resolved. He e-mails me about three times a month, once to tell me why he can’t pay child support, :smack: once to ask if there’s a chance we’ll reconcile, :smack: :smack: and once to ask for money. :smack: :smack: :smack: I very rarely respond to any of them, as Washington state is the middle-man in the child support situation, and will eventually take note of the fact that he’s way behind, and any attempt to respond to his other e-mails just seems to lead to him thinking that I’m secretly in love with him and just dying for him to forgive me and take me back. So, not knowing why he was so upset, I asked my son when I got home from work today if he’d heard from his dad lately. He showed me an e-mail his father had sent him, in which he also had been told to fuck off and die and that he wasn’t really his father and that I was a slut who slept with so many men I had no idea who his father was. :eek: (not that it’s really significant to my rant, but yes, my ex-husband is my son’s father.) He’d told me in one of his earlier rants that he was going to tell our son that, but I had blown it off as so much hot air, as even he should know that trying to tell our son that I’m a slut will only discredit him.
My son being the mainly level-headed guy that he is, seemingly took it in stride, not showing any outward turmoil, but I have to wonder what he’s feeling inside. He’s in counseling at the moment, which his father knows, and it just infuriates me that his father would say anything as hurtful as fuck off and die to him, especially knowing he’s having a tough time at the moment already. Neither of us have any clue what could have set his father off, but I find it completely unacceptable.
When I thought it was just me, I felt hurt, guilty, sad, confused, ashamed, and angry. Knowing he sent the e-mail to our son that he did, I’m just furious. I’m not a vengeful person, and have tried very very hard to never make any negative comments to my son about his father over the years. In fact, I’ve gone so far as to cover up for his father numerous times. On our son’s birthday a few years ago, his father sent him a coupon for 75 cents off a box of cereal as a present. Since then, I’ve bought him presents in his father’s name so that he’ll feel as if his dad is interested in him and cared about his wants and needs.
His dad, however, seems to take delight in hurting both our son and me, and sends me e-mails similar to this one about every three or four months, though not usually to our son, thank heavens. He used to call me with similar vitriole and then subsequent apologies and reconciliation attempts but eventually gave up when we got caller ID. I am so thankful that we’re 3000 miles away from him. I just don’t understand why he acts the way he does.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I needed someplace to vent and clarify my thoughts, and this seemed the best place to do so.