You have been telling us for the past four hours that this news conference is coming up. You have already told us who is going to speak and when. You have diligently reported each time there was a delay.
In the meantime, while we all wait for NEWS ABOUT THE SNIPER, you chit-chat with experts about everything from what his childhood must have been like to what zodiac sign he must be. Annoying, to be sure. But I do realize you can’t have dead air.
Now, here’s the kicker. You’re talking to Bernie about the same theory that you’ve talked about all day with fifty other people. Bernie has nothing new to add. He’s just moving his yap and making noise like a politician making a promise.
You’re not contributing anything either. You’re just trying to recite the same things you’ve already said over and over and over while you try to hear directions from your producer in your ear-piece.
Fine.
Again, I’m just waiting for the news conference to begin since it is only a couple of minutes away. I can see the activity around the podium in the PIP on the left while you talk to Bernie in the PIP on the right.
And then here’s what happens.
In the PIP on the left, the Sheriff steps up to the microphone and starts talking. Meanwhile, in the PIP on the right, you’re still talking, too. You’re trying to break in to tell Bernie the time has arrived, but there’s a delay in your communications.
And so you and Bernie waste about five or ten seconds trying sync up with each other, since you haven’t really been listening to each other all along, but now you have something important to tell Bernie — namely, that the news conference has begun.
You know, the news conference. The FUCKING EVENT WHERE WE GET OUR NEWS AND INFORMATION. Well, the Sheriff’s mouth is moving in the PIP on the left, but the only voice I hear is yours. And Bernie’s.
“What’s that, Pat?”
“I’m sorry, Bernie, but I have to interrupt you. The Sheriff is beginning his news conference and we need to cut away.”
“Did you say cut away, Pat?”
“Let’s go directly to the news conference now underway, where Sheriff Smokey is giving us some vital information.”
The Sheriff has already introduced himself and is well into his second paragraph. His lips are still moving, but YOU"RE STILL TALKING!
“Let’s listen in as Sheriff Smokey gives us some of the key information that we have been anticipating for the better part of the morning.”
I am already in the mood to slap you silly, but you aren’t quite done yet.
“Here’s Sheriff Smokey of the Blahblah County Sheriff’s Department in Blahbah, Maryland. Sheriff Smokey…”
It takes your audio moron a couple of seconds to switch the audio while we watch Bernie blinking in confusion in the other PIP. We can’t hear him anymore, but we can read his lips saying, “Am I still on?”
NO, BERNIE. YOU’RE NOT STILL ON. Nobody gives a shit about you.
Finally, at long last, Sheriff Smokey’s voice can be heard.
“…and that’s really all the information we have to give you at this time.”
You. Fucking. Stupid. Dickwit.
Let’s just have a look at what all you said and see whether we could eliminate any of it. Any at all. Hmm… Looking… Yeah, you know what?
WE COULD ELIMINATE ALL OF IT!
Every fucking word you said was worthless. Don’t apologize to Bernie. Don’t say anything at all to him. Just cut him off. Is he the only person on earth who didn’t know you two were filling in as we all waited to see the news conference?
And you shut your damn mouth, too. Tell your director not to wait for your cue, but to cue the audio moron himself AS SOON AS SHERIFF SMOKEY STEPS UP TO THE MICROPHONE.
See, it’s better that way. That way, I get to watch YOUR lips move and hear HIS voice. That’s a big improvement already.
If you can’t change the manner in which your show is produced, then stand in front of a fucking mirror and practice this: “Bernie, gotta go. Here’s Sheriff Smokey.” I timed myself. I can do it in two seconds. You’re a professional, so you can, too.
If for some reason you can’t manage enough self control to shut your yap and cue the switch, then just keep a baseball bat handy and smack yourself in the jaw with it. It’ll work wonders. But however you have to do it, just shut the fuck up!
You fartwad.
