Bwa ha ha! Too bad they didn’t teach this in California history in 4th grade. It would have been a lot more interesting!
My contribution-
Just this morning, a 3-year-old girl I work with and I were making snowmen out of play-doh. The little girl had stacked five spheres of play-doh on top of each other, and they kept toppling over. When she asked for help, I said:
“That snowman isn’t going to work, he has too many balls.”
Darn it. I’m SO naming my non-existent next daughter Thursday. Even if she’s born on a Monday…Thursday’s a damn cool name. 
I thought of another thing I never expected to say,
“Look, Captain Hook, you shouldn’t poke people in the butt with your sword. Oh, and you need to wait until after I’m out of the shower before we can have a sword fight. Until I’m dry, you’ll just have to put the sword down.”
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum.
Daddy I need a kleenex.
I don’t feel like getting up, wipe your nose on the carpet.
(Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve said something along those lines in the last few years.)
When my son was little, not long after he started talking, around age 3, we would put him in the grocery cart and start walking around the store.
So, we started walking through the aisles and and he would start saying things, even though me and my wife weren’t talking: “OK. Be right there,” “OK, I won’t be long,” “What? Tell me again.”
We finally figured out he was talking to the PA system. “Price check on aisle three.” “Clean up on aisle two.”
I know some people won’t belief this, but it’s true.
We still laugh about it now. He’s 17. Whenever we go to the grocery store together, I still expect him to do the same thing.
I meant “believe,” not “belief.”
Okay - not to hijack my own thread - but I wanna share.
I had just taken a new job with a company that had been around since the 30s and was still pretty old school. One thing I noticed was that a lot of people who worked there were named Richard but didn’t go by the usual nicknames like Rich or Rick.
So, when visiting my family for dinner, my dad asked me how the new job was going.
Without thinking I replied, “Good. But I’ve never worked with so many Dicks in all my life!”
SpouseO and I were at a concert several years ago, and he needed to go use the restroom. So I wait outside for him, and he comes out giggling madly. Apparently, while in there, he got to hear a father yell, “Hey! Don’t pee on your brother!”
No offense, and I know you made it mild with the smilie and mentioning a specific guilty priest and not just any priest, but it would be nice to get through a mention of Catholicism in a lighthearted thread without a reference to this. Please?
Mine involves my favorite nephew and Thanksgiving dinner when he was three.
My mom had glugged the cranberry sauce perfectly out of the can (I know, I know). I walked into the kitchen a few minutes later and found it all mashed up on the dish and my nephew desperately trying to look innocent.
I asked him how the cranberry sauce got all mushed. After he gave me his answer I immediately reponded, “No, reindeer did not squish your grandma’s cranberry sauce!”
I don’t have anything new to add, but I wanted to say thanks to all the posters for making me laugh out loud while reading this thread!
“Don’t drink out of the dog’s water dish.”
Said to more than one little Woodhouse on different occasions. I think my children are weird.
My now-18-year-old (two or three at the time) would hear the pages, look up to the heavens and yell, “HEY, you up dere?” Still makes me ache with the cuteness.