Kids say the darndest things...

At the time of our big earthquake this week, my 5-year-old daughter was in the bath. I was running back downstairs with her dripping wet and trying to wrap her in a towel she asked “What, have the Martians landed?”

“Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.”

A boy I used to babysit once told me that my husband and I should have a baby because “all mommies and daddies should have kids.”

My four-year-old son asked my husband, “Daddy, do you like that show that’s called ‘I Love Lucy’?” My husband replied, “Yes. Do you?” “No,” Jake said, “'cause everyone on there is gray.”

Toddlers come by narcissistic personalities quite naturally, but I have to admit that our 22-month-old daughter’s rendition of the trademark Barney song is a bit much:

“I love me, you love me, we’re a happy family…”

At my daughter’s preschool last year the kids made Father’s Day cards and presents for their dads. The teacher put some peanuts in a jar and the kids wrapped it. Then they made a card in the shape of a peanut. On the outside it said “Dad”, and on the inside it said “I’m nuts about you”. My daughter was quite exited about her present for her dad, and she wanted to tell me all about it. First she showed me the wrapped jar. Then she asked me if I knew what the card said. I said no, and asked her to tell me. She proceeded to “read” the card. (she couldn’t really read yet). In complete earnestness and innocense she read “Dad…you drive me nuts”!!!

My 4 year old Jake said, “Look, Mommy, I have a brew.” He pointed to a discoloration on his leg.
“Don’t you mean you have a ‘bruise’?” I asked.
“No. I only have one.”

When my son was 6 - 7 his best friend was a little girl who lived next door. Sarah was a rough and tumble type girl and, one day while the kids were playing, her mom and I identified her as a “tomboy.” Neither Sarah or Nick had heard the term and we had to explain it to them. Several weeks later Nick was talking to another friend who asked him if Sarah was fun. Nick replied, “Oh yeah – she’s a john-boy.”


Full of 'satiable curtiosity

When my youngest sister was a kid she once very seriously asked my mom:

“Mom, can people be a tomato when they grow up?”

Thirty years later I still kid her about that one!

Contestant #3

You guys are lucky!

My precocious little “angels” are always embarrasing me one way or the other.

The easiest question I have had to answer was to my oldest son, when he was only three years old: “Dad, what is God?”
Well, I wish all their questions were like that. A few years later, my youngest one, at the time being only 8 years old, after seeing that I had some condoms in my suitcase, asked very matter-of-factly: “Dad, how does an orgasm feel?”

I live in fear since then.

When I was about one and a half, my mom and I went to her friend’s house for lunch. The poor woman had been in the kitchen all day preparing chicken salad and finger sandwiches and other fussy little treats. They put me in a high chair, placed a plate in front of me, and I promptly announced, “I’m not going to eat ANY of this crap!”

When I was about 7 we had a neighbor, a typical little old lady who baked cakes and cookies. All the neighborhood kids knew her. I got to taking her stuff for granted and went over and asked if she had any cookies. She asked, “Douglas, doesn’t your mother make cookies?” I said, “Oh, No, she’s too old [age 28 then] to make cookies.”

Had a little Christmas party at the office several years ago, and took the kids in. One of the other female attorneys was relating a story about all the police activity around her house the night before, concluding with some comment using the word “rape” (don’t think that there had been one, I think she was just tossing off comments about why the police might have been there).

Eldest Son, then 10 and a half, piped up, just as the room had quieted for a moment, “Mom? What’s rape?”

Every eye in the place turned to me.

-Mommy Melin

This is going to take a minute to set up but I think it will be worth it. I was acting in a play a couple of years ago and if you act there are 2 things that you should act with (children and animals basically because they are so unpredictable). We were doing this serious play about a terrorist bombing at an outdoor cafe (the play was called Softy if you are interested) We rehearsed for weeks with this little girl who was about 3 or 4 at the time. She was great to work with and we had planned for almost every eventuallity. We were ready to step in and improvise and get back on track. THEN it happened. On opening night she found a lady bug on stage and decided it would be her pet. No problem. We worked around it and little Brianne picked up the bug and hauled it off stage with her. Our next appearance on stage a couple of minutes later was a little more rough. Brianne it seems had lost her lady bug. Again no problem my “wife” on stage said that the lady bug had " gone home to be with it’s Mommy and Daddy". Brianne exclaimed “No, I know what happened. It crawled down my arm, up your leg and into your vagina.” The audience roared with laughter and I had to deliver a line. I had to turn my back on the audience and take a moment to compose myself or I would have pee’d myself laughing on the stage. Now I wish that I had taped the damn thing 'causeI would have been about $10 000 richer if I had.

Scriblerus, that’s hilarious! I’d die!

When my nephew was 3 or so, his father heard him say “Jesus Christ!!!” in the midst of the boy playing off by himself. Tyler’s dad then pulled him aside and explained to him that the only time you should say Jesus’s name is if you are praying or if you are telling a story about Jesus. (sorry if I’m offending any non-Christians, but I think you get the drift…) After about 30 seconds of deep thought where Tyler’s wheels were obviously turning furiously: “Or if you spill something!”

Last year,my 6 year old son swallowed gum a lot.He said if he farted would it make a bubble!?

Well my cousin when she was only about 6-7 years old was always hanging around the adults and trying to get into conversation. My mom was at the time a devout Miami Dolphins fan, living in Chicago this came up in converstaion alot amongst Bears fans. So one afternoon my cousin tried to make conversation with my mom asked how “her Ami’s” were doing. My mom and aunt promptly pissed their pants laughing.

Another less comical event was one when I was little, maybe 9. My mom was telling me to clean up after myself and me having friends over i was trying to look cool and didn’t want to be told what to do. I talked back and called her a whore. Me being a kid who liked to use new words and figured that based on context i knew what they meant, this was a bad mistake. I assumed that the word was a bastardization of the word horrible or horror, and that it mean she was a mean person. Needless to say I got in deep shit.

My wife’s nephew, Matthew, had speech problems (“S”'s, “TH”'s, and general sentence structure). Then one day when he was about 4, they were riding across town. He did a double-take at something they drove past, then exclaimed, “What the hell was that!?”

My wife was stunned at both his diction and his profanity. “What did you say?” she asked incredulously.

Matthew sighed then reiterated, “I said, ‘What the hell was that?’.”

A joke on this topic:

Two little boys, brothers, decided they were going to start cursing to seem grown up. The only words they knew were “ass” & “damn”. So one decided to use “ass” and the other “damn”.

The next day at breakfast, their mother asked what kind of cereal they wanted.

“I want some damn Cheerios,” stated the first boy. The mother lost her cool, slapped him, and sent him upstairs sobbing, without breakfast.

She then turned to the other boy and barely containing her ire asked him what he wanted.

He replied, “You can bet your ass I don’t want any damn Cheerios!”

Well, my mom loves to tell stories on me when I was a kid.

She used to teach at a nursing school, and once, when she had some extra work to do, she brought me along and said if I was good, she’d buy me a coke. Well, I was very good, so she took me to the students’ dormitory where the coke machine was.

When the coke popped out, I looked at her and asked “Mommy, does the coke come out of the coke machine’s vagina?”

Before she could answer, one of her students piped up with a “you know, Mrs. Rhoads, that’s a very good question.”

“Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightenment.” - Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher