Very well said, eleanor. I agree completely. (Hey, where’s OCS when you need him?)
If the charges are dropped, I think that Greg would need to suss out the situation and decide for himself what he thinks about Stepfather. However, if it were me I would still be kicking and screaming to get full custody. Those are serious damn charges. It may be a false accusation, and that would be absolutely terrible. But if anyone were living in a house and taking on a parental role with my children, I would want them to be like Caesar’s wife–above reproach.
If full custody is off the table, would Greg be willing to move to be closer to his kids? Not only could he spend more time with his boys, he could keep a closer eye on the situation. Kids don’t just need their dad twice a year on school breaks. They need him every day. I agree with **dangermom ** and eleanorigby–his children have to come above all else.
I meant it to make it clear: by suss out the situation, I mean that Greg needs to go out there and investigate for himself–not rely on his ex-wife to give him the information.
Wait- you live 3,000 miles away and still get the local paper?
Online – most U.S. newspapers, even small ones, are online. He did a Google search on the guy’s name and lo and behold, there it was, in the “police blotter” section of the paper.
I read the other thread. The mother of these kids sounds completely unreasonable, and that nonsense needs to end or these kids never will see their father. A situation like this is especially ridiculous, as it’s a very serious charge against the stepdad. If it’s true, then the boys don’t need to be around that type of person at all, regardless of whether you think the kids are at direct risk or not. If it’s not true, the mother still handled the situation abysmally, and the other things she’s doing are simply unacceptable to begin with.
At the very least a lawyer needs to be pushing hard to get this looked into. Greg is basically acting like a doormat, and this is his kids we’re talking about, so he should do something about it.
I had a friend who basically gave up visitation for a long time because dealing with the mother was a huge hassle. But the mother was making some bad decisions that affected the child, and eventually he decided he couldn’t take it anymore and he pressed his rights.
Greg should demand his visitation and say right upfront that he won’t sign any documents the mother presents to him making any demands in order to see his kids, because the court granted him custody and she can’t refuse it. If she does refuse it, get the lawyer involved, and get those kids out of there.
If you can’t stand up for your own kids, what are you going to stand up for?
Does Greg have any parental rights?
If so, I would think he at least have the right to know if his child is considered as a crime victim by the authorities.
If not, he probably has no right to know anything beyond what’s in the paper.
I have a huge problem with the papers spreading this guy’s name all over the headlines before he’s been tried and proven guilty. It is possible that this could go either way.
However, if he’s out on bail, I would think the courts would want the children removed from the home until the case has been decided one way or the other. Now might be a good time for him to look into custody until this has been sorted out. The kids are probably humiliated and might welcome being away from the whispers and pointing.
This raises some flags. Why would a “former friend” ask Susan or Stepfather to check on her sick teenager? If a 14-year-old is sick enough to need to be checked on, mom should have stayed home with her, or she should have been in the hospital.
They didn’t have a phone? The mom couldn’t have asked Susan to check on her? Why Stepfather?
That’s a really fishy explanation. If it’s true that the girl’s mother is obsessed with Stepfather, then he shouldn’t have had anything to do with her or her family, and he definitely shouldn’t have gone to their house when the girl was at home alone.
In my opinion, yes, you still need to be concerned and follow up. You cannot count on the DA to be the sole decision maker for your step children’s safety.
The justice system is set up to err on the side of protecting the accused. Someone has to be proven guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. This is absolutely the correct approach to take from a governmental/societal standpoint. However, this approach means that system errs on the side of letting guilty people go free. The fact that there is not enough evidence to go forward does not necessarily mean that nothing is wrong.
Someone I am very close to was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 13. When she was 13 she told a teacher who contacted the authorities. Her step-father was found not guilty in the subsequent trial. Thank God they let her go into foster care rather than forcing her back into that house. Her father had moved across the country and had not been in touch for about 5 years before because it was too much trouble to deal with her mother’s drama. Needless to say, your story set off all kinds of alarms in my head.
Ideally, Greg would be able to have a good, in-depth conversation with all parties to get a sense of what is happening. If that is not possible, then bring in an outside party like CPS to look into what is happening in the home. Frankly, I’m surprised that they are not already involved.
At the very least, I would strongly encourage Greg to reestablish on-going conversations with his kids-- have at least a weekly phone call. The kids need to feel that there is an adult to whom they can talk, Greg can keep a closer eye on the situation, and the kids can have a alternative male role model to the step-father.
He just happened to be Googling the guy’s name? Why?
I don’t recall you ever saying- is your boyfriend willing to take custody of the kids? Does he want to? If so, what is stopping him from pursuing it? If not, the OP’s moot, no?
Replies – long!
Yes he has rights. They have joint legal custody, and Susan has primary physical custody (I think I got that right – since the kids live with her most of the time, she has “primary” custody). His children are not the alleged victim in the case - a friend’s 14 yo daughter is.
Police crime reports, including arrests, are printed in almost every newpaper across the country. This is pretty common. I used to be a newspaper reporter and editor, and the police would send us the daily crime report every day for us to print. This included everyone who is arrested, whether they have been tried and found guilty or not. Whether that’s fair or not, I don’t know.
Yes! I thought so too. I thought that a condition of bail would be that he cannot be around children. But, sure enough, he was free to return to the home. We talked to the police detective and they could not give us any details.
I agree totally - the story is really fishy. I only heard the story from Susan through Greg… and of course the story was probably heavily “edited” when Susan told it to Greg. At the time of alleged incident, Susan and Stepfather were friends with the woman. I have no earthly idea why Stepfather would “check in” on the 14 yo girl. It makes no sense. I don’t know if at the time the woman was acting “obsessed” yet. Once other thing that Susan told Greg is that this 14 yo girl is already sexually active (read: Susan trying to portray the girl as a “slut” and not a victim), and that Stepfather did have a conversation with the girl about her sex life during the visit. I know it sounds very strange, but I am hearing this third/fourth hand.
Ok, here’s exactly what happened. Since Susan is not forthcoming with her life or the boys’ lives to Greg, we have a serious lack of information about what is going on with them. So, every once in a while I will check out her MySpace page (she is a MySpace addict, on there constantly). Last week, she had a curious note in the “status” area of her page that said, and I quote (verbatim, so you can see what kind of a genius Susan is):
On 8/9: “going to go proove my mans innocence and get the people who did this shit to go to jail. this is bullshit ! WHY would they do this to him !!! WHY !!! people who make false accusations on others r SICK I cant belive you would ruin someones life ! what the fuck is wrong with you people to lie like this ! you are soooo going to get yours KARMA is a bitch and she will eat your ass ! I cant believe you would LIE like that !”
And on 8/13: “can I please wake up from this nightmare, and have my life back now ?”
So obviously I was suspicious, and alerted Greg. So we started checking the local papers, and on Friday, jackpot - there was his name in the police blotter. If I hadn’t caught that MySpace post, we would have missed this entirely.
Yes, of course he is willing to take custody. Before we do anything, we’re waiting to see if the charges are proscecuted, and to see what his lawyer says after that. Remember, we just found out about this Friday. My opinion is that - no matter how much I despise Susan’s mothering skills, I don’t think we should willy-nilly take the kids out of their home, away from their main caregiver that they’ve had for their whole lives, and their other siblings, and move them 3,000 miles to a home with a single father. That could cause more harm than good. Now, of course, if Stepfather is guilty, then the kids should NEVER be allowed to live in the same house as him.
By the way - today was the boys’ first day back at school. They just called to talk to Greg and he’s on the phone with them now. 
This is great to hear!
shakes head As for finding out about this shit via MySpace… If the [expletives deleted] woman can update that shit, but not tell the boy’s father what’s going on - her priorities are so far beyond whacked I wouldn’t trust her to take care of rock lichen.
ETA: What I mean to say is that it seems to me that Greg really has the choice to either go for full custody, or accept that this sort of crap is going to keep going on. By any reasonable standard Susan has been given enough rope to hang herself. I only wish I were 100% certain that will matter to the court that would hear this.
Well while we’re on the subject, I will fill you in on some more interesting stuff about what a loon Susan is.
As I think I mentioned before, Susan took Greg back to court recently after the Thanksgiving visit, when the youngest boy was sick during his visit (see previous thread).
At the first hearing on this matter, the judge ordered Susan and Greg to go to mediation, and for the three children to be interviewed by the mediator. The parents were not present at the mediator/child interviews, but what took place was relayed in the mediator’s report. Some of the stuff the kids said made Susan look pretty bad, such as…
– When asked by the mediator why they thought they were here, each boy said something to the effect of “because [Greg*] isn’t paying his child support.” They also said things like, we can’t do a lot of the stuff we want to do because [Greg] doesn’t pay his child support,’ and “I want [Greg] to pay his child support].” * Note: the kids referred to their dad as “Greg” in the interviews, not “Dad.”
The mediator said that Susan should NOT be discussing child support issues with the children (duh) and scolded her for having the kids call their father “Greg” and their stepfather “Dad.”
– One of the kids said that when Greg was in town for the last court earing, Susan told the kid not to answer the phone if Greg called (because Greg was calling to try to set up a visit since he was in California for the hearing).
– Another kid said that it was his job to watch after the younger children (ages 4, 2 and newborn) while their mother “talked to her friends on the computer” which happened “a lot.” This is obviouly referring to Susan spending tons of time on MySpace every day.
These are just a few of the things I can remember off the top of my head.
Ewwwww - a grown man talking about sex with a 14 year old girl he doesn’t know? That’s really creepy.
I think your beau needs to call CPS. That’s just not right.
An update…
Greg’s lawyer is filing this document with the court (not sure what the document’s formal title is…) In part it reads:
I know that some of the sentences read a bit awkwardly, but that’s how the attorney wrote it. Now we just wait. Any thoughts??
Did he go to California and see the kids?
It’s a fine letter. It does sound a bit awkward but maybe that’s lawyer-speak? There doesn’t seem to be much urgency about the letter.
No he hasn’t been to California. Money is one concern, and also the kids just started school and there is no guarantee he would even be able to see them.
Yes I wish there were more urgency to the motion, but it is being filed on an emergency basis (not sure of what the exact legal terminology is) so hopefully the facts speak for themselves, and the judge will be able to do the right thing.