Kids' unrealistic dreams: Crush them or let society do it?

In My Humble Opinion
41

At 11, my daughter insisted she was going to be a country music singer. She has a pretty voice, and a flair for writing, so we made sure she had voice lessons and learned to read music so she could write songs. She wrote a couple that were actually pretty good – she used one as her audition for the literary-arts charter high school she ended up graduating from.

We also encouraged her to make back-up plans, and had frequent discussions about things she could ‘do’ with music while working to make it in Nashville.

By her senior year, however, she had given it up. She doesn’t really like to sing that much, it turns out. And, by 18, she had the maturity to realise that wanting to be a famous singer isn’t really the same as having an actual passion for music…

So I recommend that you encourage your niece in her dreams; help her hone the skills she will need; impress upon her the difficulty of becoming a star and the absolute necessity of having a plan B; and ride it out. More than probably, she’ll grow out of this ambition (since it doesn’t seem to be rooted in any real love of acting, but rather of a simple desire to be famous.)

42

(bolding mine)
Amen. This is something I’ve finally figured out in my forties, pondering why, in spite of all my potential (brains, talent, etc.), I’ve been chronically underemployed, and mostly unsuccessful at improving myself. My dream as a teenager was to be a rock star. I could sing as well as many of my favorite singers. I was a competent rhythm guitarist and bassist (I was well aware that I was not a lead guitarist), and could also play the piano and several wind instruments. I spent most of my spare time playing music, singing, and writing songs. I was gonna be a star!

What I got from my baby-boomer parents and other adults were interminable lectures about how unlikely — how unrealistic — my dreams were. I was told over and over again that I needed to concentrate of finding a dependable job, something “realistic”. This was drilled into me until I believed it, and so I entered the wonderful world of foodservice, where I’ve languished for 24 years.

After much soul-searching and introspection recently, I finally came to this conclusion: “Once I was convinced that I couldn’t succeed at the thing I loved the most and did the best, how was I to believe I could succeed at anything else?”

The thing that got me started thinking in this direction was a scene from the 2006 movie School for Scoundrels. Billy Bob Thornton plays an asshole scam artist who teaches a confidence-building class for guys whose lives are going nowhere. During the first or second class he asks his students, “How many of you guys are losers?” Every student in the room raised his hand. “WRONG!” he shouts, “A loser is somebody who tries and fails. You guys are a bunch of pussies who are too scared to even try!” I’ll tell you that it’s no fun watching what’s supposed to be a comedy and hearing a line that just punches you right in the gut and perfectly identifies your own problem. I’ve been one of those pussies for more than two decades — I just didn’t know why.

I’m glad I’ve finally identified my problem. Now I can work on changing it.

43

There is a false dichotomy here. You don’t have to look at it as ‘dreams versus reality’. You can look at it as ‘big ambition backed up by realistic hard work’.

If someone says they want to be an actor, say, ‘Great! Wow! I’m so impressed that you want to work that hard! Good for you!’. Praise the ambition, praise the goal, praise the person, never infect them with any negativity, and salute them for being willing to work that hard.

The point is that some people, especially young people, aspire to a given role (actor, sports pro or whatever) because they think it’s going to be an easy life. It’s not your job to dampen enthusiasm, tell them they don’t have a chance, or relieve yourself all over their cornflakes. What you can do, constructively, is help that person communicate with themselves in an honest and accurate way, and develop an understanding of the hard work and effort involved. If a girl wants to be an actress, fine. Let her taste what acting classes are like. Let her see those books of speeches that actors learn for auditions, and tell her to learn a few. Tell her to get roles in any drama she can, even a school play or amateur drama.

Help her to see the reality. To get to be a big star, you need to be a small star first. To get to be a small star, you need to at least get a speaking role. To get a speaking role, you’re going to have to go to auditions and impress the casting director more than 1000 other people (all just as determined and ambitious as you), and show them an impressive resume that suggests you’re trained, experienced and ready.

Can I just inject a personal note here, given that someone made reference to dreams like wanting to run your own business? These days, I live a very nice life. I gave up my job ten years ago, wrote a book that did very well and now my website business brings in enough revenue to live on, even if I don’t do anything all day. I literally make money while I’m asleep, or on vacation, or watching TV. Having this life is easy, and very enjoyable. Getting to have this life was stunningly hard work. Think toil, sweat, stress, every problem and setback you can imagine and others you can’t, long days, longer nights, tears, frustration, more stress and serious hard grind. It took me 9 months to get my first website business up and running, and I swear if I hadn’t been working out and keeping pretty fit at the time, just the stress from this alone might have killed me. Writing a book isn’t fun. Working out my entire business from end to end, production, marketing, retailing, order fulfilment and so on, was a major pain. But I told myself I wanted to do it, and I could, and I did. Now I don’t have to work for anyone else or commute every day or attend boring management meetings or do anything I don’t want to. And the money just keeps rolling in…

So there’s nothing wrong with aiming high and having ambitions. But there’s usually a heck of a lot of work involved. So long as the ambitious person realises this, or can be brought to realise it, there’s no need to input any discouragement. Negativity is cancer on ambitions, striving and effort. Have nothing to do with it. Think positive, dream big and work extremely hard.

44

Yes. This doesn’t appear to be a passion of hers, so much as an attraction to the lifestyle.

Some of you have mentioned lessons and classes. As I mentioned in an earlier post, there aren’t any opportunities for acting lessons in this area. She was in some plays in middle school, but hasn’t joined the high school drama club. She has taken music lessons and voice lessons, and has a natural talent in this area. She’s always been encouraged to pursue these hobbies, but has grown into a slacker in her teen years, and the teachers always go on about how she’s good, but needs to put in more effort.

There have been some good points made, and it’s been helpful, although it wasn’t intended to be an advice thread.

45

Well, I understand there’s an opening for the sequel, Three Girls One Cup.

I don’t think it really matters how it happens, as long as you make sure to stay close by so you can drink their tears.

46

She’s only 14 for Chrissake. She won’t begin to understand what hard work and dedication entail until she’s in high school. By that time, she might get more realistic about her goals. She could be another Jon Benet Ramsey if her family backed her, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. Let her dream for now and have fun while she’s young.

47

Meh, the kid might suprise you. It’s only unrealistic because it’s beyond the adults reach.

48

I have the unrealistic dream of graduating from college, getting a Ph.D, and becoming an academic that writes papers that other professors think are interesting. The first might happen, but the last two will be difficult.

49

First of all, she is in high school. Second, I don’t think being the next Jon Benet Ramsey (WTF?) is anything to aspire to, no offense to the little girl, of course.

No, no one backs her at all. We (yes, we, I have a very active role in her life) just pay for, take her to, and encourage her to practice for the various music singing, dancing (and cheerleading) classes she signs up for. Then, we only attend the events, and congratulate her after her performances. I believe this is the third time I’ve mentioned the classes, and for the second time, I’ll mention that I would never allow anyone to tell her she’s not good enough.

If pointing out that feeling like you can blow off homework because you’re going to be FAMOUS!!! when you grow up isn’t going to work, or that if you really want to learn to play this instrument, and excel (especially if it’s going to be your side career), you have to get off the phone and practice more than five minutes here and there isn’t being supportive, well then you’ve got me pegged.

She has four years left in school Should she have a total life plan? Of course not. Should she realize that she has to put forth effort to reach any goal she sets, and that blowing off getting an education, which you can always fall back on, is a bad idea? I think so.

But thanks for your informed opinion!

50

I don’t think it’s your place to crush or nurture their dreams. It’s more important to teach them the skills and discipline required to pursue those dreams. The rest will eventually work itself out. Hard working, motivated, smart people do well, regardless if their original dreams pan out. Lazy, entitled people, short of winning the lottery, rarely see any success regardless of how lofty their ambitions.

Phase42 - If your rock dreams can’t stand the scrutiny of your parents - the very people who should have no idea about rock, how will they stand up to endless rejection from club owners and record labels?

51

Former “I’m gonna be a Hollywood Actor” kid here. A couple points I think you should keep in mind:

  • Kids who are motivated to succeed will look to the available role models for examples of how to be successful. If your house is filled with movie posters and you watch the NBA each night, and these are the only topics you talk about, of course the kids in your house will conclude the path to success is through the Entertainment industry or the NBA. Try putting up posters of famous business leaders and watching NOVA each night, and watch how the kids respond

  • Wanting to be an actor as a kid is a phase many of us go through and there’s nothing wrong with it, and more than playing a sport or any other hobby. Kids who have passion should be encouraged. It will serve them well later in life. Case in point: While I wouldn’t trade my current (tech) career for a successful acting career at this point in my life, I still enjoy theater as a primary hobby. (I will only do community theater though. The thought of doing it for a living horrifies me.)

  • Everyone I know who used to consider themselves a full time actor while in their 20’s has a fulfilling career in something else now and wouldn’t trade their time as an actor for the world. All of us found our skills helpful in some way. Being an actor requires a lot of discipline, a lot of memorization and a lot of research. There is nothing more motivational than knowing for a fact you will face public humiliation if you don’t do your job well. Acting is a terrific way to improve yourself.

Besides, wouldn’t it be terrible to have a dream that you never even tried?

52

I sorta had the opposite problem. I’ve always been a pretty practical person, so while everything inside of me said be a writer, I felt I knew better than to try something so ridiculous. So I thought I’d be a lawyer. Then I got to college and realized I’d rather stay there instead of moving on to law school. So I told everybody, and myself, I wanted to be a literature professor. I loved my literature courses, and I was pretty damned good at it. How hard could it be?

So, I worked in the tutoring center for four years to start getting a bit of teaching experience. And I got my BA in English. I graduated with honors from the department. I applied for grad school and was eventually accepted by the University of Utah. I figured I’d get my MA, then try for my PhD. I had a plan, and I’m 90% completed with my short-term plan. I still have one semester to go for my MA (I have no desire to stick around for another 3 years for a doctorate. I would literally kill myself first).

But, I really want to be a writer. I don’t want to be a professor. I don’t want to be stuck in academia for the rest of my life. I want to write books. I’ve been writing pretty regularly for the past 7 years, and about 3 years ago, I thought to myself “Why the fuck do I keep insisting I can never be a writer? Why do I have to act ashamed of goals? Fuck that shit. I’m going to make it happen.”

It was actually pretty liberating.

In addition to getting my degree and working toward my MA, I’ve been writing forty hours a week, every week, for the past three years. By some measures, I’m a success. By other measures, I’m not. I think this is a long-way of saying that it’s not really anybody’s business to discourage people from impossible dreams. If they’re dedicated, they won’t listen to you anyway. If they’re not and they’re the type to take your words to heart, they’ll give up when things get too hard anyway.

53

… and, in my opinion, more satisfying.

I’m in a technical field. Burying my self in a mountain of technical papers, and surfacing three days later with a well-organized, grammatically correct, coherent, and internally and systemicly consistent set of instructions is deeply satisfying.

I think the world needs me as I am more than another 2nd-rate genre novelist.

54

Well, that’s not the reason. The only part of the house filled with movie posters, and singers is her room. This new dream came at the age where she started looking to her friends for more guidance, and of course it’s normal and healthy for her to pull away somewhat. She used to want to be a teacher. Not that we had our hearts set on her going into that field either. We, obviously, knew that her choice of career would not be set in stone at that age.

The rest of your post is helpful though. Thanks.