TO:
George M. Steinbrenner III, Esq, KBE, DDS
#2 True Yankee Way
City of Woe
Circle Four
The Inferno, 24601-666
Dear Lord Steinbrenner:
You don’t know me; we’ve never met. You are, after all, the Crown Prince of Pestilence and Decay and I am but a humble peon, slave to the soul you wisely discarded in your youth and resident of one of those pissant states you sometimes visit to dispose of a body. Nonetheless, I think you’ll find we have much in common. Like you, I have a long and abiding interest in the great sport that is baseball. And like you, I have a fervent interest in the on-the-field doings of the New York Yankees. Like you, their wins and losses bring me to the pit of despair and the apex of joy. So I hope you’ll take a moment to read this humble missive and consider what I have to say.
Lord Steinbrenner, you have long been known for your firm but equitable command over the brave men in your employ. I know that you only want what’s best for your franchise and its long suffering fans. I write today to strengthen the resolve you will need to do what must be done, what I and millions of fans just like me eagerly hope you will do. It is time, Lord Steinbrenner.
It is time for you to fire Joe Torre.
I know, for a man with a history of empathy and loyalty as well-established as yours, that this is a difficult step. Joe is a good man, and has been a good employee for many years. But as of this morning, 9 October 2007, the Yankees have been eliminated from contention for the 2007 World Series title. And so, Joe must go.
I hardly need offer evidence of Mr. Torre’s blinding incompetence, but let’s at least begin with this year. As the year began, you blessed Mr. Torre with a spectacular roster. You and Prelate Cashman carefully selected among the cream of the AARP crop, providing Joe with an incredibly experienced team. How could anyone quibble with a starting rotation that included Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa, Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite - two men with a combined life experience of more than 80 years! - or a bullpen locked and loaded with Kyle Farnsworth and Luis Vizcaino? Or a first baseman with the experience and postseason chops of Doug Mientkiewicz? Or an outfield experienced enough to get a discount at Sizzler?
And yet, this supposed “Hall of Fame” manager couldn’t be bothered to teach Pavano how to pitch without breaking his gall bladder. Didn’t want to expend the effort required to get Kei Igawa to 20 wins. You’d think a “Hall of Famer” like Torre would have, at a bare minimum, surgically repaired Jason Giambi and turned him back into the MVP you overpaid a few years ago.
So with all the reliable, experienced talent you provided him, and with a gentle and understanding media and fan base offering support even in the hard times, and in a season remarkably free of injuries or slumps, all Torre could manage was to keep the team motivated and together enough to finish within 2 games of the best team in baseball? Stupid lazy motherfucker. And then, the Yankees get swept from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians, who had absolutely nothing going for them except four or five pitchers on the hottest streaks of their baseball lives and the best record in the majors.
That is not Yankee baseball. These are the Yankees. The team of Ruth, and Maris, and Donnie Baseball, and fucking Captain Derek. The Yankees don’t lose to teams like the Cleveland - what the fuck are they even called again? It doesn’t matter. They obviously suck, and they won, so Joe must go.
Yankees fans have had to cover their faces in shame through 13 consecutive postseason appearances and 9 straight division titles and 4 world championships and two more times in the Series and 15 straight seasons over .500 and watching the best pitcher and best position player in recent memory 162 games a year. I ask you: do Yankee fans deserve this fate? I shout my answer to the heavens: No, they do not. Joe must go.
I know a lot of names have been bandied about in the press concerning a potential replacement for Mr. Torre. Don Mattingly has been mentioned, and I’d like to go on record and say that I think that’s a great idea! His record of postseason success, both as a player and a coach, is exactly what the Yankees need. Perhaps installing him as manager can get the Yankees back to what they were in the mid 1980’s, before Joe Torre came and screwed everything up.
So do it, Lord Steinbrenner. Do it for Mickey and Joe D and the Babe. Do it for Captain Jeter, and Mariano, and Donnie Baseball. Do it for all of the baseball fans around the nation who sincerely hope that you will. Fire Joe Torre.
Yours,
storyteller
A Fan of the Best Baseball Team in New York
P.S. While you’re at it, get rid of that choking choker A-Rod, too. Seriously, he hit .176, with one RBI, no extra base hits, four strikeouts and no walks in four games against Cleveland. Choking choker. Oh, crap, that was Captain Derek. Alex actually hit .267, with a home run and an OBP over .350. Well, A-Rod is still a choker, and Captain Derek is still clutch. Fire A-Rod!