I’m set to emcee at an AIDS benefit in a couple of weeks.
To save everyone a bit of typing, for the purposes of this Thread we can all agree to interpret the abbreviation “DDAJ” as meaning “Don’t Do AIDS Jokes”. So if you feel the need to come into a Thread specifically asking for AIDS jokes, just to say “Don’t Do AIDS Jokes” feel free to hit us with a quick “DDAJ” so we can keep things rolling.
That said, does anyone know any genuinely funny AIDS jokes???
I’m especially interested in hearing from HIV+ Dopers, or Dopers who have HIV+ loved ones- have any favorite jokes???
I can’t use jokes attributed to specific professional stand-up comics. They have to be “oral tradition” type jokes- “a guy walks into a bar . . .” kinds of stuff.
Best would be jokes that assume an audience educated on the matter, jokes with specifics, references to treatments, medical terms.
Don’t think I’ve ever heard an AIDS joke, intelligent or otherwise. Or a cancer one for that matter, come to think of it. Maybe a joke about an AIDS fundraiser on Will & Grace, but nothing like what you’re after.
I won’t claim this is ‘intelligent’, but Eddie Murphy, in “Raw”, told what I thought was the first enlightened, non-cruel joke about AIDS. From memory:
"VD is new and improved… Every time they cure something, it comes back stronger.
"Today, you go to the doctor and tell him: “Hey doc – fire’s shooting outta my dick!”
[nerdy doctor voice]“Let me get this straight – you’ve got a burning sensation?”[NDV]
“No, no – fire’s shooting outta my dick!!”
I also remember some comic saying (again, from memory) "It used to be, when a doctor told someone they had herpes, they broke down and cried. Today, they say, “Thank GOD!”
I guess the whole idea is laughing in the face of this horrifying new plague we all had to deal with, instead of at dying people.
Upon re-reading the OP, I realize that I misinterpreted your question. While my first contribution violates what you were asking for, the second one is better.
A guy walks into a bank in a ski mask brandishing a needle and yells to everyone that he’s got a needle full of infected blood and if they don’t give him all the money from the vaults, he’ll start stabbing people. One man instantly runs up and tackles him from behind and manages to subdue him. In the aftermath, the reporters were all clamouring around to interview him and one of them shouted out “Sir, weren’t you afraid that he was going stick you with the needle and you could die?”. He replies:
“Nah, I was completely safe. I had a condom on at the time.”
Little Suzie goes into school on the first day and meets with her best friend Jimmy and asks what he got for Christmas. Jimmy replies that his parents repainted his older brothers bike so it looked just like new and gave it to him. Suzie then goes on about how she got a train set and a doll house with a brand new set of dolls, a real china tea service, 6 teddy bears, a new playstation, new dresses, some ballet shoes and a trip to Hawaii. Jimmy replies: “Oh yeah, I remember I got one more present… Not having AIDS”.
An older man brings his wife to the doctor. Doctor takes him aside and says “I’m not sure what’s wrong with her. It’s either AIDS or Alzheimer’s, though.”
“AIDS or Alzheimer’s? What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Well, drop her off across town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”
Guy shows up at a party where he knows almost nobody and is shocked to see the revelers start shooting heroin, passing the needles around.
“Are you crazy?!” he demands. “That’s how you get AIDS!”
“Nah, it’s cool,” says one junkie. “We’re all wearing condoms.”
It should be possible. There are punning possiblities with KS and kiss. “Kaposi’s sarcoma” kinda sounds silly. T-cells and T-ball. Roman baths and a room-clearing confusion of legions for lesions… but no.
How about: “I say I say I say, my immuno-suppressed partner’s cancelled our travel plans.” “Jamaica?” “Of his own accord.”