Lackwit Animal Adventures

The BBQ Pit
1

I could have placed this in MPSIMS, but I’m feeling kind of vitriolic on this topic…

I used to live on the river. The neighbors tended to be of the ‘economically and educationally disadvantaged’ variety, which was fine - it was an older run down area full of people who work hard, fear god, and spit tobacco juice for fun. I got no problem with that. So I was talking to my mom last night, and discovered that one of my stepbrothers now fishes that particular stretch of river, to escape his wife (and who can blame him?), but that lately he’s been scared to go because someone released their PET ANACONDA into the river, and it’s running amok. Wha…?

Yup, PET ANACONDA, INTO THE RIVER. Apparently, it had eaten his wife’s cat, which was okay, but when it ate his huntin’ dog it had to go. So it went as far as into the river. When my stepbrother called the game warden to report it, he was told to shoot it. There are two problems with this: primarily, the stepbrother is a convicted felon and therefore cannot own a gun, much less shoot something; and two, isn’t that the game warden’s job, to track down and capture wildlife hazards and place them in a more appropriate environment?

And what of the erstwhile owner? I mean, Jesus! What kind of jackoff would intentionally release a dog-eating snake into a river frequented by boaters and small children? What in fuck was this piss-for-brains lackwit thinking? Doesn’t he deserve to be sent to prison and gang-raped repeatedly for being so dim?

Sorry, this is kind of a lame rant, but my “incomprehensible stupidity meter” has blown a fuse, disabling my “scathing flame generator”. Help me.

2

Maybe the guy didn’t release his anaconda. Maybe the anaconda released itself, if you know what I mean…

3

Well, my anaconda don’t want none,
Unless you got buns, hon.

4

In a suburb of Birmingham, Alabama, a guy was keeping several venomous and non-venomous snakes and lizards. About two months ago, his spitting cobra got loose. To my knowledge, it has not been found.

Hi-ho.

5

At my high school, several years before I attended, the constrictor in the biology classroom escaped. The hunt extended throughout the building, the grounds, and around the town, and involved pest control people, firemen, wildlife control officials, you name it. The snake remained unfound, and eventually everyone pretty much forgot about it… until two years ago. A janitor found the snake, grown to (reportedly) extremely healthy proportions, alive and very well in the boiler room of the school. It had been living down there the whole time by eating rats. RATS. I still can’t decide what is the most disturbing aspect of this story, honestly. They captured the snake and gave it to the zoo, but I still don’t know what they did about the rats.

I went there for four years, and never suspected all the creepy-crawlies apparently just beneath the surface of my upscale, yuppie high school.

6

I once returned from vacation to find that all of my clothing and possessions had been placed in tied-up yard bags and placed around the apartment – a four-foot ball python we were babysitting had escaped, and my roommate had gone through everything to see if it was there (snake in this shirt? Nope, in the bag . . .) Eventually he found it under the dryer. Admittedly, this was a snake that cowered in fear at moderately-sized rats. I don’t have any idea what one would do about a snake big enough to eat dogs.

7

Think of it this way: If the offending anaconda ate it’s owner, it would be too bloated to go very far very fast, and thus be caught, solving two problems at once!

Start prayin’

8

Where the hell can you buy an anaconda? Are you sure it wasn’t a boa or python?

9

I don’t know where the hell he bought the anaconda. That was another aspect of the story I couldn’t work through. Who would be clever enough to procure an anaconda, presumably from the next continent south, and then become dumb enough to sell it to some bumpkin in East Assboink, Alabama? Somewhere up the supply chain, mistakes were made.
For that matter, I’m not certain it is an anaconda; that’s just the story as I got it. Apparently the game warden wants no part of finding out what it is. It has been determined to be an anaconda primarily because it seems to live in the water, and a resident is rumored to have owned a snake he passed off as an anaconda. Boas and pythons are, if memory serves me, terrestrial or even tree dwelling; this snake lives in the water. I had a python once and never saw it laying in its water dish wishing for more. Also it seems to have grown to enormous proportions, larger than water snakes that live here would ever get.
This reminds me of another snake adventure that happened in the same small town of East Assboink, a couple of years ago. The company I work for employs personnel from all over the world: south Asia and Europe are our main target sites for recruiting engineers. So people bring their families and their stuff here, move into a furnished apartment, and put their stuff in storage. In this instance, a Dutch guy moved his stuff into storage very close to where some families from India also had their stuff in storage. One day the Dutch guy, let’s call him Adrian, went to check on his stuff/get something from storage. As he opened his storage room, he felt a stinging pain in his hand, which promptly began to swell and turn purple. Being a sharp guy, Adrian whipped out his cell phone and called for an ambulance. It was lucky he did; Adrian had been bitten by a cobra. It apparently had shipped itself over in someone’s belongings from India. It was captured and dispatched. Adrian is fine now.

10

Not the snake UL again!

11

Nope, not a UL at all. I know the guy involved, he’s still here, and I was working here when it happened. He was in the hospital about three weeks. It was pretty bad because they had to ship in antivenom from Atlanta, and it took some time to get it here (like a couple of hours, once the doctors figured out what had happened to the guy).

I’ve heard and recognized the ULs you linked to, and frankly, I’m not that kind of girl. I’d never just make shit like that up, particularly in a place like this. I’ll see if I can dig up some documentation of this for you.

12

Sorry, missdavis - I shouldn’t have accused you of failing to check your facts. If you come up with more info, though, you should send it to Jan Brunvand - he’s always interested in factual stories related to urban legends.

13

Hee hee. Gotta love those “economically and educationally disadvantaged” types.

Beadalin - when & where’d you go to school? I heard the same story about a high school in Tulsa, ten or fifteen years ago. One of the details was that the particular school involved never had a rat problem, whereas all the other schools in that area had constant infestations. (Actually, the story I heard, they didn’t actually catch the snake, just found a giant skin.)

I suspect this one has reached UL status, although it probably really happened somewhere, somewhen, quite possibly more than once. Snakes are notorious for getting out of their cages (they are unbelievably strong), they are incredibly good at hiding in unimaginable locations, and a large snake would quite happily live on rats without human interference, as long as they could get enough water and stay warm.

First place to check for lost pet snakes - in and around the laundry. I do not have any idea why this occurs, but they seem to head straight for the laundry, almost every time. That’s where my mom always found the snakes we caught when I was a kid (they invariable escaped our cage within a few days). I’ve seen a number of documented instances of snakes turning up in the washer or dryer, because they were curled up in laundry & no one saw them. I once barely caught my seven-foot boa diving into the giant pile of clothes stacked in a hallway (we’re talking a clothes pile about 12 feet long by 4 feet wide by 3 feet high - finding even a 7ft snake in there woulda been some fun).

My favorite lost snake story: When my boa was only about 3 1/2 feet long we took her to a friend’s house one night. As everyone settled in for a night of movie-watching, we turned her loose on the coffeetable. We knew she’d stay put, as we had one exactly like it at home and she hadn’t yet figured out that she could reach the ground. A while later, we suddenly realized that the snake was missing. No one had seen her slip off; we didn’t know how long she’d been gone. The five of us tore the entire place apart. We disassembled the couch (someone thought they saw her moving around in there), emptied the closets, etc., etc., etc. After a couple of fruitless hours, we were just about to give up. The resident had promised to keep an eye out for our baby & call if he spotted any signs. His kid started rewinding the tape to put it up, picked up the cover, and yowled. Yup, there she was. A 3 1/2 foot snake, curled up inside a cardboard VHS cover, with an inch or so to spare on the outside edge (thereby making it impossible to see her while the case sat on the table). Snakes are amazing creatures.
missdavis102 - the snake in question may or may not be an anaconda. Anacondas are members of the family Boidae, along with Boas and Pythons. Boas & Pythons will both spend a fair amount of time soaking in water, if you provide a large enough tub. They’re not considered aquatic, but they mostly come from very humid, waterfilled environments and often love to soak. Depends on the snake, the temps, and the humidity of the cage. You could easily release one into a river - it wouldn’t actually stay in the water all the time, but it would probably stay very nearby and swim around regularly.

On the other hand, I see no real reason to think it wasn’t an anaconda - they’re fairly readily available. What I don’t understand is why anyone would want one - they’re reputed to be pretty damn evil-tempered, making them not a very good pet (even on a snake-scale). The only reason I’ve ever heard is to awe your easily-impressed friends. Oh wait, did you say ‘e & e disadvantaged’…?

Animal control are usually very reluctant to tackle large exotics. They don’t know anything about how to handle them, they don’t have the proper equipment, and quite often, the ac officer is afraid of snakes! I would recommend getting in touch with a snake-rescue organization - you’re much more likely to get some help from them. I’ve listed some links that I found below - the first is AL specific and may be able to find someone to help, even though they don’t seem to have any pet rescue operations. The others are (I think) from nearby states and may be able to connect you with someone more local. HTH!

http://www.vaherper.com/pages/al.htm
http://www.snakerescue.com/
http://www.mrsreptiles.com/
http://community-2.webtv.net/ReptileLovers/AReptileRescue/
http://www.altpet.net/rescue.shtml
http://www.geocities.com/blacksnake007/msrindex.html
http://community-2.webtv.net/SnakeBusters/SnakeBusters/
As far as the snake-owner goes, I have only this to say: PUTZ!

14

Hey redtail23, thanks for the links. I’ll see if I can put someone who knows what’s going on in touch with the folks at Auburn University or some other herpetological group, and see if we can’t coordinate a rescue. That would actually be really cool. And I had no idea they were readily available to the, uh, ‘e & e disadvantaged’ population.
And come to think of it, when I was in college a girl in my dorm found a snake, you guessed it, in her laundry.

ENugent, no problem, I can see how the cobra story is a little unbelievable. I’ll gather the facts and see if Adrian might be willing to send along a firsthand account of his adventures to prof. Brunvand.

Hooray for Herps!

15

redtail23 – You know, you might be right. I went to school in Bellevue, Washington, and my mom called me at college (in '95) to tell me that they’d caught it. I had taken biology from the very teacher whose snake had escaped (that sounds a little dirty…). He told my class about it getting loose, and that it never had turned up. For all I know he was pulling our legs. I did a few searches to find a story about it, but nothing is turning up. The local paper’s archives go back to '96. I guess the upshot is that I feel an urge to call my mom and ask her about this particular gem again, and see if she can cite anything to prove it.

16

No problem, missdavis. Hope y’all can find the poor critter & move it to a good home before it gets too cold. Unfortunately, lots of exotic pets are easily available to any moron who has some spare cash. Many of 'em die because of that. :frowning:

Please update us on the cobra story, though. After debunking this UL so frequently IRL, I’d love to hear the details if it’s really happened sometime.

You too, Beadalin - keep us posted on your story. I’ve heard it several times since about various schools, which is why I think it’s gone UL, but I’ve never seen it listed in any of the sources. Maybe missdavis should send it in as a new UL along with the details of her story!

17

I figure it would be pretty hard to catch a snake in a river. Maybe the game warden wanted your stepbrother to shoot it to a) prevent any damage by the snake and b) prevent it from getting away?