Living in the heart of the Midwest as I do, that would make my “Fundamentalist” alarm go off. Either Fundamentalist or with deep issues about intimacy. Both of which are huge turn-offs.
Yeah, that’s what I would think too – that the character was trying to cool herself down after the makeout session ended abruptly.
Since we’ve opened the “what if the sexes were reversed” can of worms, this does remind me of a post on another board, where the guy was getting chaste “let’s not rush into things and spoil it” goodnight kisses for three months, and then found out she was calling her FWB into bed while he’d gone home to balance his checkbook after paying for the dates. Responses were pretty uniform: men saying he was cheated on, women saying suck it up buttercup.
I didn’t think he’d been cheated, since there was no exclusivity agreement to cheat on. Also, it’s entirely her right to express her sexuality as she wants, and to fall in love as she wants. What wasn’t being discussed was his right: to ask why she was putting him off (his right to put the question to her, not any right to receive an entirely truthful answer), and his responsibility to either accept or walk away from a three-months and counting commitment with no exclusivity and no ROI.
I don’t see why the same standard shouldn’t apply to the OP.
I’ve turned a lady down outside her place after a second date and her reaction was confusion followed by indignation followed by fury followed by another invite upstairs. By the time I got home the fury had returned, and I learned via text message that only a “piece-of-shit douchebag” would ever dare decline her invitation.
Heh Trom. Good story.
I had something similar. Back in the early days of the internet. We chatted for months. Did a date now and then. She was always hesitant to seal the deal so to speak. Anytime I could make an evening (and it was MOST of them) she had a reason not to (and IMO most of them were on the rather lame side).
So, one mid summer day in the deep south I am fricking moving. ALL by myself. From an upper level apartment. All damn day in the heat. How I even did it by myself I now wonder. I alternated the day between moving shit, about dying of heat stroke, and throwing up for recreational purposes.
I get a message that evening that tonights the night (and she knew I was moving). I told her I couldn’t. Just wasn’t gonna happen. Did NOT go over well.
We really need to not confuse two issues here:
One is a man turning a lady down on an invitation to hanky-panky, for whatever reason. Which, I’m sure, happens all the time. Heck, I’ve done it a bunch of times, and I’m a stereotypical male horndog if ever there was one. Sometimes I need to get home because I’m just one boss fight away from finishing a video game. Sometimes I’m just not up for hanky-panky at that particular moment. I don’t see why this should be a problem, or require analysis or explanation. Even men are just not in the mood sometimes. Whatever.
The other is the scenario in the OP, where the rejection is specifically stated to be because of a desire on the part of the male to delay gratification until later, despite both parties being in the mood and having the opportunity to act on it right there. That is, IMO, a bit weird, to say the least.
Maybe some people have a thing for delaying gratification. Like saving their favorite M&M’s for last.
Wow, aren’t YOU lucky to find out on a second date about this aspect of her lovely *cough character.
This word, “horndog”. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Why did you turn her down? Just curious.
Didn’t really enjoy the date and didn’t find her that attractive.
I got this talk from a lady friend a long time ago, that it would “be worth the wait.” Yeah, I didn’t buy it then either.
The issue isn’t turning down sex, which is always ok for any gender (though, of course, a partner may give up eventually). It’s saying something weird and patronizing rather than communicating.
If you don’t want to have set, that’s fine. But the way the OP states it, it sounds like he is trying to develop some kind of dynamic into the relationship-- not just that he is abstaining for personal reasons. And people who try to introduce dynamics into relationships are trouble.
It’d be different if he said “I’d love to, but tonight isn’t a good night for me” or “I want to take this slow, let’s see how this develops and not rush things” or " I take my faith very seriously and I want to do this the right way, so let’s stop here for now" or “I really like you, but there are some conversations we need to have before we take the next steps” or basically anything else that is about him and his choices, rather than some kind of creepy “plan” he had for her.
I would be non-plussed. I wouldnt know what to think until I heard more from him.
Either:
I have missed some important piece of information (he’s very religious, he’s been hurt badly and needs to go slow, he’s got some personal obligation that requires him to be home by a certain time, he’s got an STD that warrants full discussion, or a hundred other possibilities)
I have missed something about his day/week (he didn’t have a chance to shower before he met me, his week has been miserable and he is too distracted, he ran into his ex this morning and is re-thinking but didn’t want to just stand me up)
I have missed something about his proclivities (he needs to clean the dungeon before I go over, or there’s a third he needs to bring into the picture !both deal breakers!)
I have missed something about the attraction level (he’s just not that into me)
I have missed something about the attraction level (he thinks I may be “the one” and wants to plan a beautiful B&B weekend for our ‘first time’)
There are just way too many things this might be about. Somebody above mentioned viagra or other preparatory needs, and that’s certainly another whole group of possibilities.
For me, this whole “third date” rule has always been a bit rushed and inauthentic. It is way too soon for me, and I would certainly respect a man saying it was too soon for him. But by the third date I would think I would know that about him.
But the phrase " I want to give us something to look forward to" makes me queasy. It really does feel manipulative, and yes, even if the woman had said it. It’s a “leave 'em wanting more” ploy, unless a better explanation is forthcoming. (see above.)
THIS, all of it.
Didn’t vote, cuz male.
I did this with my current wife. It was a time and place thing. In the moment she was confused and, on some level, a bit angry. After thinking about it a bit, she understood and appreciated the respect. She more than made up for it when the time and place were right </not very stealthy brag>
Guy here. I’m sure I’ve left a few women wondering “WTF?” after declining offers to “go further.” But when I have (I’d’ve typed “if” but I’m pretty darn sure it’s happened) done this it hasn’t been because I didn’t want some action. It’s generally when I lacked confidence in myself and didn’t read the signs coming from the other party very well (to say the very least). I’m sure there’d be no such problems for me on that count, now (if it were still an issue. Which it’s not since I’m married and have been for nearly 14 years, now). The point? That sometimes when a guy doesn’t pick up on your “hidden messages,” ladies, it’s because he’s not very good at it, NOT necessarily because he wouldn’t enjoy some “play time” with you. 
I used to do this to a girl in college all the time. Not on the third date, but multiple times. I just wasn’t that into her (though in retrospect I can’t figure out why) and being turned down just made her want it more. In the end, she turned a bit stalky and I felt terrible for using her.
You sure can’t beat this for a username/post combo, can you? 
Holy snoikes the double-standard.
Who exhibited a double standard?