Yet another dating thread. As said elsewhere I really don’t have any experience. Okay. Thing is, I’ve (1) just been Asked Out For Coffee by some guy in one of my classes who(m?) I’m just not interested in, and idiotically sorta-accepted. (2) Similarly, I’ve also been chatting to one or two people that I’d prefer to drop. Dopers Who Date, how do you handle these things?
a. Nip it in the bud by saying, “On second thought, thanks but no thanks”?
b. Get all evasive and just be persistently “busy” or never online, hoping they take the hint?
c. Go along with it until you simply can’t bear it and abruptly say good-bye?
I plan to go with Plan A for the coffee thing, but breaking off a semi-correspondence or whatever you’d call it that has carried on for a few weeks is another thing. How does one politely but clearly word a rejection?
Just curious, but why did you say “yes” if you weren’t interested?
I ask only because I asked someone out recently to a movie and got her phone number. Your question just seemed to be a (hopefully unlikely) scenario for me to consider.
Make up an excuse to bail on the coffee date. Be nice but a bit distant to the guy after that, i.e. don’t try to excise your guilt over bailing on him by being super friendly the next time you see him, as that will only confuse the poor lad. If he asks you out again, be busy for whatever he asks you to. At this point, most guys will get the hint. If he asks you out a third time, gently explain that you while you think he is very nice, you just don’t think the two of you would work romantically.
As for the chatting, just phase it out. Be less available to chat, take longer to return emails, and then keep things short. Things will fade away naturally. Again, if they pursue more directly, be honest but kind, but don’t volunteer your disinterest unless they make it an issue by directly trying to initiate a romantic relationship.
Since you don’t currently have any sort of relationship with any of these people, directly telling them you are uninterested in them romantically is unnecessary rejection which should be saved for a last resort.
EmeraldGrue, as someone who has been on the receiving end of cowardly break-ups I suggest going with option A, and doing it as soon as possible. Just be completely honest; if you stall or try to skip out without saying anything, you are going to make things much much worse.
Think about if things were the other way around. You really like someone, and they seem to like you. Then one day they just abruptly stop talking to you. How would that make you feel?! Would you have ESP and know they simply weren’t interested and were too afraid to confront you about it? Probably not. You’d probably be worried and confused about the whole thing.
I’ll give you two anecdotes-
When I was younger I had a long distance correspondence with a girl I met at a dance. We sent each other love letters, and I visited her a few times. We also talked on the phone. Despite the distance, I was very much in love with this girl, and from the letters/conversations/body language, she seemed to be as well. Then one day she sent me a letter saying that she didn’t really love me, and that for months on end she just wasn’t able to get the nerve to say anything, so she pretended like everything was fine. To the extent of talking me into driving hundreds of miles to meet her, getting her a really really nice Christmas present, et cetera. I was devastated. I believed the whole thing was just some sick game on her part, to string me along to see how far I would go in impressing/flattering her. :mad:
Last Sunday I went out on a date with a woman I met on an online dating service. The date went really well, I had a good time and she seemed to enjoy it too. Though the whole time I felt this wierd neutral vibe going on; I didn’t know what it was exactly. When I came home, I saw that she messaged me. Here is an abridged version of what she said:
I was disappointed. However I really appreciated that she had the guts to be up front about things. Had she balked on saying this I would have asked her out a second time, and maybe gotten progressively more interested in her until she was cornered into admitting she didn’t like me on a romantic level. This, of course would have been harder to take, so by telling me after date #1, I’m able to clear my head, comfort myself in knowing I did everything I could, and move on.
And so I advise you to be as up front and honest with this guy as possible. For the sake of my gender, and guys like me.
However, for clarification, what does “sorta-accepted” mean? Do you mean you said “yes”, but didn’t mean it, or did you offer him a “maybe” that he took as a “yes”?
“Can I trust you with a secret? I’ve got a scorching case of herpes, and until the drugs take effect, now just isn’t a good time for me. But thanks for asking!”
I guess my point is, if you aren’t willing to be up-front with the rejectee, the above is about what you’re reduced to; and even then, as you say, it might not work! :eek:
My post was satire. OK? Jeez! To the viewers at home: This is merely a dramatization. The author does not recommend you tell strangers or casual aquaintances you are having a painful outbreak of herpes, especially if it’s true.
Thanks for the much-needed advice, everyone - I’ll go about not being a wimp about it. Duderdude2, re acceptance - I kind of hemmed and hawed and said something about talking to him about it over MSN (got his email the other day when I was taking notes for people who couldn’t make it to a tutorial).
Along with all the others, I agree with Option A. From my own experience and that of my friends, I’d say the biggest single complaint we guys have about dating is the other party not being honest. A simple “no” is far better than continual postponments and excuses. We will NOT easily lose interest, because we’re looking for either no or yes, not “maybe next Sunday if I don’t have to bring work home from the office”.
On the other hand, I’m curious as to how this conversation went. You seem to have accepted his invitation so I suspect there was something there. Maybe you should go with him one time to make sure; a coffee date sounds fairly harmless and safe. Besides, if you find you really aren’t attracted to him, it would give you a good chance to tell him you don’t think it’ll work out. IMO a little elaboration of the truth is acceptable–you can say you met someone or something like that.
Sounds like the most graceful way is to go on the coffee date, and give the guy a chance. First of all, coffee is low committment, so will really be just a friend thing. And this option also leaves open the chance that you might actually find you click.
However, you may well find it does not change how you feel, but then when you decline another date, or feel up to saying, “I like hanging with you as friends but I’m sorry that I don’t feel anything more”, he will (hopefully) feel like you have given him a fair chance. To say no know will leave him wondering what he did wrong between asking you out and now, to change your mind.
I agree with this. It really doesn’t get much more casual than coffee (it’s not even meeting for a drink). Your only obligation is to meet for a little while, drink coffee, and be polite.
I think people get too worked up about this sort of thing too early.
