…but here I am effectively getting “pocket-vetoed.” Great.
There was this young woman in my discussion section for biology who I found particularly attractive. Not only that, she’s majoring in Anthropology, as am I, and is taking premed classes as well.
After a series of positive interactions, I asked her out for last Friday night.
She told me she’d like to, but would have to check and see if she would be free and told me to email her later. I wasn’t going to until the next day, but I figured she wouldn’t be obligated to respond until she got her schedule straightened out. Taking that into consideration, I emailed her that night. It took 24 hours for a response.
“No big deal,” I thought. “She probably just doesn’t check her email often.” She said she had to go to a photography exhibit of a friend of hers. Disregarding my propensity (and impulse) to be paranoid about the whole thing, I figured it was legit anyway.
She suggested we do something this week. So I responded to her email saying it was all ok and asking her if she likes Thai food, since the restaurants around campus are pretty nice establishments.
That was Thursday. Am I right to be losing hope and gaining in frustration? Should I have seen it as the case that her “email me and see” line was, in fact, a line?
I don’t know this lady very well, and I don’t have a great deal invested in this, but it’s still pretty irksome either way.
Been there. Sure, I was just a kid, but I was fucking pissed. There was this girl I liked on my swim team in 8th grade. So, I figure that we can maybe go to a movie and hold hands or something…maybe get some kissing action going. Anyway, I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out…and she accepted.
So, I called her and tried to set up a date…we did, and the day before, she cancels on me. No big deal, I think…let’s reschedule. Another thing “just came up.” Ok…a third date try… She tells me “Oops, sorry, I just remembered we’re going to the boat show tomorrow.” The BOAT SHOW??? I never called her again…and she didn’t call me.
Damn…if she’d just said “no” it could have saved me 3 weeks of frustration, but NOOOOOOO, she had to be a wuss and just string me along until I caught on. Pissed me off. Still remember her name, curiously, even though we were never really friends. Ok, rant from way back…but I haven’t gotten to vent about that incident for a decade…feels good. Not that it mattered in the long run, but still.
The last thing you need to do is get frustrated. If she doesn’t want to go out with you, you’ll know it. Just say hi to her the next time you see her in person. Ask about the exhibit, be nice, it’s not like she was mean to you or anything. If she wants to go out she’ll mention your email, or bring it up somehow, if not she won’t. If trying to get a date feels like pulling teeth, my guess is that she’s not interested. At this point, you’re not at the teeth stage.
Remember something, it’s often very difficult for people to say no, and reject someone. Yes, it would be nice if people could, but it is very hard. If it doesn’t work out, don’t be pissed, just move on.
I was thinking about starting a thread about the same thing (sorta).
I met this chick, er, girl, no, woman, womyn…So I meet this chick, and things are going pretty well. We have mutual friends and see each other occasionally. She’s really cute, pretty smart, and kinda cool. Anyhow, we make plans to “hang out” one evening (and when I say ‘we’ I mean she suggested it). Things go pretty well. Actaully, they go really well, perhaps a little too well.
This was a week ago, and I haven’t heard from her since. I called her over the weekend to try to see her again. She never called back. I got the hint, but I’m persistant, so I IM her after a few days of not calling her. Again, no response. (for those that think IMing a girl is weak, you’re right but that’s why I did it, test the more informal waters as it were). So now I figure she’s out of the picture. It would have been nice if she said ‘Murph, it just isn’t going to work out’ but instead I get the silent treatment.
I’d like to imagine that I’m just that awesome that she didn’t want to watch me leave (I’m moving in a month), but I’m not holding my breath.
What I’m curious to see now, is whether she’s going to alter her activities where we would bump into each other (mutual friends again).
I’ve had two experiences this year that I can share.
One was a girl who worked at the eye doctor’s place. We chatted for a bit, I found her to be nice, so in a moment of sheer raw courage up-to-now completely foreign to me, I asked her out for coffee. I said I’d like to get to know her better.
She paused. Hoooboy, not a good sign.
She said she was busy this semester but she gave me her phone number and could I try her back in January? This was November.
I called her on a whim in December and we chatted for about 5 minutes and she gave me the same excuse. Too busy this semester, try back next semester. “Too busy for coffee” I’m thinking? How busy can you be? I have coffee every day! There’s always time for coffee!
So anyway, I call her back in January and get about the same excuse. This is bullshit. She’s fucking strung me along for over two months because she couldn’t take 5 fucking seconds out of her life to say “no”? Fuck you.
Bitter? Nah.
Anyway, my next story is short. Went on a date. I liked her. I e-mailed her. She didn’t like me. She told me right out and to the point. Damn that’s refreshing.
This is the reason why I gave up on Internet dating in a hurry. You can understand it if you e-mail a woman through the service and she doesn’t respond. After the twenty-fifth time it happens (twenty-five different women–don’t think I’m a stalker or something!) without a single response, it gets lame. I still can’t figure out why someone would bother to put their profile on the service if they’re not going to bother taking 15 seconds to write “Sorry, I’m not interested” back. It’s anonymous, it can’t be that painful. And if you’ve found someone, take your profile off the service already!
Quite. For me, 25 "no"s would have been preferable to 25 silences.
Hah HAH! Same thing’s happening all the time in my world. Got a friend that I keep inviting out, keep getting yeah I’d love to, and kept getting really plausible sounding excuses at the last minute.
I still ask her out from time to time only to see what her excuse will be – she hasn’t said no once but has had an excuse come up every single time. If I was still interested in her I’d be freakin’ mad, as it is it’s just funny seeing what she comes up with.
What if she had said no, told you specifically that she wasn’t interested? Would you continue to ask then?
(I ask because I have specifically told someone that I am in no way, shape or form interested in them, and yet they continue asking. I’ve said no, because I didn’t want to. Now I make up excuses to amuse myself. After all, it’s more fun to say “I have to wash my parakeet” than “No thank you”, then still get asked why and have to once again say “I’m not interested, thanks”.)
Quasi, I may be able to offer a little insight into the “I’ll meet you there” phenemenon. If someone asks me out on a date who I barely know, I’ve been known to use the “How about if I meet you there” line. Until I know what the “vibe” is and am sure the guy isn’t a creep, I don’t necessarily want him knowing where I live. So if it’s a first date, I really wouldn’t read much into this, other than reasonable caution.
Look guys, let’s say you’re single, available and an attractive looking woman comes up to you and asks you out. Hot damn! You say yes. Now, what is the chance you will break that date? The world could be exploding but, by damn, you will make that date.
Now, why would it be different for a woman? If a woman breaks a date with you, she is not interested. Period. Don’t call her. Don’t think about her. Don’t wonder. She wanted to say no when you first asked you out but didn’t. Now, you may think that there would be a legitimate emergency but how often, really, would that really happen. Just say for her to call back and reschedule after the emergency and forget about her since you will never hear from you again.
Also, a way to get around the wimpy, female behavior is simple. Don’t ask them out but ask them for their home phone number. There is very little chance they will give you their real number if they aren’t interested. If they are interested, they will give it. Plus it can be fun watching their face as they try to come up with some reason not to give it.
Asking for their number has many other advantages. You get away from the “I’m busy that day” “on that day too” “and on that day” runaround plus it is simplier to remember to do under pressure. Try it.
Went to high school with this one and had worked with her for 5 years at the same hospital, porcupine. So I agree with the OP: Hell, just tell me “no”. Don’t put me through the shit of having to meet you somewhere. The theatre was crowded, or I suspect she might have insisted we keep a seat between the two of us as well.
As someone who has made a fool out of himself several times, I’d like to second the “just say no” crowd.
BUT REMEMBER LADIES’
“No, I’m real busy right now.” is not obvious to us. We like you. We think you could like us. We think you might like us. We are going to put a positive spin in order to preserve our dignity. Being “busy right now” or any variation designed to be polite doesn’t do the job. The only lie that generally works, is “I’m dating someone.” and that doesn’t always work. Just say “no thanks.” and leave it at that. If he asks why, just say “You’re not my type.” You really have to make it obvious. Really obvious.
“Email me and see” may have been legitimate. Maybe she didn’t have her calendar on her. And her initial response time was not unreasonable. But at this point, I do think it’s fair to say that she’s giving you the runaround. And that’s annoying.
I have to say that I disagree with BlinkingDuck, though. Just the fact that she breaks a date isn’t indicative of anything. It’s how she breaks it that’s important. If she says “something came up, but how about Tuesday?” then she’s probably interested (providing she doesn’t break the date on Tuesday!) Also, whether she gives you her number or not isn’t indicative of anything either. If a guy was in a class of mine, I’d give him my number–didn’t you study with your classmates? Just because a guy asks me for my number, it doesn’t mean he wants to date me. (there are other reasons for a male to ask a female for her number, believe it or not.)
Not that it mattered in the long run, but still.
