Ditto, in a general-principles sense, to the various posts about double standard.
The handful of occasions when I’ve turned down offers / requests for sex (yeesh, it’s everywhere… neither “offers” nor “requests” is a good word), and it hasn’t been due to “not that into you”, break down something like this:
once or twice because I wanted more of a relationship than to be a momentary sex partner, i.e., no kidding, “you won’t respect me in the morning” or at least a rough equivalent
once or twice because the person in question had repeatedly expressed some degree of sexual interest but then pulled back with “I’m not ready to go this far” and made me feel like I was being pushy about sex, so I thought some reciprocity was in order… a combo of “if you’re really ambivalent you’ll like it to realize I’m genuinely OK about ambivalence here” plus occasionally, admittedly, a tablespoon or two of “if you just like the gendered game wherein Boy Person needs to want it from you and you get reluctantly tugged along, see how you like it on the other side of the game”. the snarky version mostly from back when I was in my teens and 20s.
three or four times because of my own mood or other state of mind, just not the right time for it… or because something was going on between us sexually-psychologically that was leaving a momentary bad taste in my mind, i.e., a moodkiller of some sort.
I would never expect it to be a turn on to be turned down but I do expect some degree of gender parity. If she’s the kind of woman who is going to discard me because I won’t put out, fine, go snag some other male, they aren’t in short supply. I wouldn’t do the same to her and consider there to be several valid reasons to not want to, not want to yet, or not want to right now.
In order to be a double-standard wouldn’t someone be arguing that it’s hot when women turn men down for sex but not when women turn men down? I’m not a guy, but I’m betting most guys who are turned down don’t think the woman’s hotter for having done it either.
I did that once. Whether she actually meant coffee or fooling around I never found out but at the time assumed it was coffee. I said “thanks but it’s late, and I should get going.” I wasn’t interested either way at the time.
Someone saying it will be better later is assuming a hell of a lot, like my later availability. The reason can be pretty much anything other than “I’ve decided to make you wait for it.”
Of course, some reasons would also be making me move on (like “I’m deeply religious” or “I have to ask my mom”) but I’m not into games, and that looks an awful lot like a controlling game.
The poll options seem to be a spectrum of “turn on” at one end and “rings alarm bells” at the other.
I think it should be neither.
I’m a guy, and I’ve turned down sex once or twice in such situations because I was too tired, too drunk, too unwell or all of the above.
It’s difficult to say to someone “I think sex on this occasion might be disappointing; so let’s not” so I can imagine muttering something about giving us something to look forward to, or whatever. But I think it sounds a bit weird that you have a plan (and how long must we continue to look forward to it)?
IME I’ve just said something simple like “Next time…”, and on all the occasions I can recollect, I did indeed get my second chance
What I don’t understand about the scenario posited in the thread is why “next time” would be better than “this time.” Unless that’s not what the man means?
When I was 20 and a brand new immigrant (Pakistan to US) I went on my first date with an American woman. After a rather uneventful dinner, I took her back to her apartment. She invited me in for coffee. Mindful that I needed to be up at 5am the next morning, I asked “Do you have decaf?”
She opened her purse, pulls out a strip of condoms, and says with a big smile, “Sure, I have decaf!”
I mumbled something like “I think we’ve had a misunderstanding.” Then I almost literally ran away.
She told everyone at her workplace about this. I worked at the store next to hers, and for the next few weeks I endured a lot of snide remarks and giggling from them.
What, is there a sell by date? Does the coupon expire? Or sumptin?
Your saying your offended that if you’ll have sex with me now, that making the assumption that at some point in the future you might again is offensive?
It’s not offensive, just presumptuous. You can’t assume that just because we had a magic moment once, you now hold some kind of season pass in to my pants.
He doesn’t get to make plans involving my crotch without involving my brain first. I’m taking him at his word that he wants to “give us something to look forward to.” And I am stating that I don’t consider that a reason I’m comfortable with, given it makes an assumption that “we” will be looking forward to it. He can look forward to it all he likes. I am not a book waiting around to be checked out of the library for his convenience.
I don’t have an obligation to think every explanation for behavior is fine. It’s fine not to want to have sex and it’s fine for me to think the reasons given are controlling and lame.
No, there are assumptions based on what the guy SAID, which is a very normal thing to judge someone by. Nobody objected to him turning down sex, they objected to the red-flaggy stuff he said.
The normal way to approach a future encounter is to meet up and see where it goes. It’s not an injustice that people want to feel like active participants in decisions about their sex lives.
