RE: Whether or not this has happened to me. It has never happened to me in the workplace, but I have had me pester me to the point that I have blocked their phone numbers. One of them I suspect had some problems with social cues, like maybe mild autism, or a past head injury, or something, because he was a little “off,” but not in a way that was frightening. One had such a big ego, he couldn’t believe someone had refused him, and he kept coming around trying to make himself clear, like he thought I wasn’t all that bright. One I think really thought I was playing “hard to get.” I would never, ever do that, because I think it’s stupid and pointless, but he sent me flowers a couple of times (which I’m allergic to), and was basically trying to court me like it was the 1920s.
In sum, guys in real life who won’t give up are not like guys in romantic comedies who won’t give up. They are douches, they are significantly deficient in social skills, they don’t have any real friends, and are imitating a character in a book or film, or in some other way leave a lot to be desired. Persistence is a red flag for most women over the age of 19.
No, but I would have done it if the initial reason for the turn down (which would have been given as part of it) had changed. Such as “damn it, I’m going to be out of town on that day” - that’s not a turn down, that’s an inconvenience. Other than that, “no” means “hell fuck no!”
As a new hire with a company in the mid-nineties, one of my co-workers asked me out. I turned him down with the reason that I didn’t date fellow employees. Fast forward four years to our plant’s closing. He asked me out again. By this time we had become friends, but I was dating someone else.
When the brief relationship with the other guy ended, Mike called me up and asked me out the third time. I said yes. We were a couple for eight years, ending in his death.
He accepted the reasons that I gave him and waited until they were no longer valid before asking again, which was key to me saying yes.
Yes. When I asked her out we were strangers. We have since become pretty close work friends. We text, we do lunch, and we do happy hour [as a group] once in a while. There’s also lots of friendly hugging that goes on. [At happy hour anyway] There’s even flirting that goes on, but a lot of that goes on around here. Nothing is necessarily meant by it. [I know were just asking for trouble, but it hasn’t happened in the two decades I’ve been here.]
Still though, balls in her court.
There’s a difference between the woman saying things about you and your friend telling you the woman is saying things about you.
B. If you don’t mind risking a potentially very uncomfortable meeting with your company’s HR people, go ahead, pursue her.
III. My GOD, I’m reminded of basic Junior High tactics. The OP should ask his friend to ask the woman’s friend if the woman *likes *the OP or if she just likes him.
Heh - sounds like my work place. We can get pretty flirty and tasteless but it’s all in good fun and so far nobody has ever complained.
Given that you’ve developed a friendship I think it’s possible she’s reconsidering you but is afraid to ruin a good thing. If you have a circle of friends you might ask a girl that hangs out with both of you whom you trust to see what her take on the situation is.
As for dating coworkers - it’s never really bothered me so long as you’re not on the same team, or boss / subordinate. If you’re in different departments, don’t directly share work, and are adult enough to not bring personal issues to work then why not go for it?
ETA - just saw Ranger Jeff’s post saying the same thing about asking a friend for their take - Yes it’s junior high, I completely admit.
Yeah, I know this is what you want, but it’s just not in the cards, m’man.
Anyway. I remember being asked out by a very kindly older gentleman, about thirty years (!) my senior. I politely declined, and told him I had a boyfriend.
He very rapidly changed from a kindly gentleman to an annoyance and a stalker. I sat by my office front door and there was a small window in the door and he’d stop by every day and knock on the window and wave and force me to return the wave. I’m my company’s face, it’s hard to just be a bitch. He would try stop me in the hallways to talk to me. He would keep “suggesting” we go out to lunch together.
And he was like 60! So I really didn’t feel like slapping down an old man. (Yes, you are old, if you are 60, there’s nothing wrong with being old.) But goddamn he was annoying! And I went from “What a nice man” to “what a creepy fuck, I wouldn’t pee on him if he were on fire.”
So - leave her alone! I don’t see anything in her behavior that indicates that she is into you, but it’s easy enough to tell. If she wants you, she’ll show you. If she wants you but is playing hard to get, she is indeed too high maintenance and not worth it. Playing hard to get is stupid and just encourages people to believe your no doesn’t actually mean no.
The OP’s friend is the one who is pushing the OP to ask, can’t be trusted to give a neutral opinion
And the one time some guy tried that before asking me out, he asked the girl with whom he saw me speak more often. Only I spoke with her so much because she sat beside me with nobody on her other side, me and my friends were doing our best to help her despite her being completely hopeless at anything geometrical (I suspect that at least part of the reason she will do things like claim she “has never met” old classmates is the inability to recognize faces), she was no friend of mine, and she liked him… so she told him I was unavailable, under the principle of “if he’s not for me, he won’t be for her”. When the information surfaced, we figured we’d been lucky she hadn’t gone a step further into “if he’s not for me, he won’t be for any other woman”.
The closest I came to what the OP asked was when someone said “I’ll have to think about it” and then let it be known through a third party that she wanted to be pursued. Asking someone out once was hard enough for me, and there was no way I was going to play that game. Less than a week later I was approached by someone at a party and we were married within a year.
Once, in 40 years of living and doing some math 26 years of dating and relationships.
Your odds are not good.
I married the guy. And like **Anaamika **says, I was pretty unmistakable in my changed intentions. It was a year after the first failed attempt, when I turned him down for being too old and undateable. I wised up. I didn’t explicitly ask him out, 'cause he’s an old fashioned kind of guy who would have been disturbed by that, but he certainly picked up on my subtle signals. (Showing up to a guy’s campsite naked with a bottle of mead is subtle, right?)
Anaamika, I already said I wasn’t going to ask her out again.
I’m not sure what you mean by “I know this is what you want, but it just not in the cards m’man.”
As far as leaving her alone, I’ve already told you we’ve become friends. Genuine friends I don’t know if your story about the creepy old man was meant to imply that she’s only being nice to me to avoid drama or what, but that just ain’t the case.
I think the key here is giving the reasons. “No” with no further explanation leaves the asker lost as to whether that really means “No forever” or “no until after my next dramatic breakup which occurs about monthly”.
- Yes it’s junior high, I completely admit.
