Ladies, what are your opinions on "Having it all", baby/career/marriagewise?

In My Humble Opinion
1

disclaimer
At no point do I intend to convey the idea that there is anything wrong with ANY woman’s life choices for herself.
end disclaimer

Dread Pirate Jimbo and I were having a lively debate about how women have gone from being limited to being wives and mothers to being Superwomen - working women who try to have it all - the high-powered job, the couple of tots, the perfect husband, the perfect house, etc., etc. The pendulum has swung from one extreme to the other, and we were wondering if there is any backlash happening among women because of the Superwoman extreme.

What we’re curious about is how women are feeling about “having it all” these days - are women of child-bearing age (let’s say age 13 to 45 for argument’s sake) making choices about what they want the most, or do women still believe that they can have everything? I’m especially curious about younger women who may have been raised by working mothers who attempted the Superwoman route (with varying degrees of success, no doubt).

Adding to the mix is the information that women do not have the luxury of having babies in their forties like we thought we did; turns out, eggs go bad when they’re on the shelf too long.

So, our questions to you ladies are:

  1. Is it possible to be a Superwoman and have everything, or do you think that women do have to make choices about what is most important for them to accomplish?

  2. What factors are affecting your decisions regarding career/baby/marriage issues?

  3. Is the information that you may not be able to have healthy babies well into your forties changing your long-term goals for yourself?

Thanks for any insights you may wish to share on this subject.

2

I’ll bite. I’m 26 and a single mother. So, I am “superwoman”, I suppose. I work, go to school, and raise my child on my own.

I don’t think it’s possible to have it all. I’m exhausted. I daydream about how lovely it would be to work less and spend more time with my daughter, but it isn’t feasible. (We live below the poverty line as it stands.) My married friends (the women, I mean) that also work full time seem just as harried and rushed as I am. It’s funny because their husbands aren’t. The men work and come home and relax. The women work, come home and care for the children and husband, and also make dinner and prepare everything for the next day. So having a partner doesn’t actually help, from what I’ve seen. It’s just another person to take care of for the woman.

If I had a partner, or financial security, I wouldn’t want to work full-time at a career and raise a child. I would concentrate on my child until she’s out of elementary school, and work at something part-time. (What I am in school for I could actually do part-time, if’n I could afford to.) After she was out of grade school, then I’d worry about me and what I want.

As for having kids later, I actually don’t want any more and the one I have was a “surprise”. When I was younger, I always figured I’d have a child in my 30’s–you know, after college and working full time for a while to establish myself in a career. I didn’t care if I had my own or adopted or just foster parented, so the older eggs thing wasn’t an issue.

3

I am a 32 year old married stay at home mother of two. For me I don’t think I would be able to handle going to work full time and coming home to another full time job. I am busy with the house and kids from sun-up to way past sun-down! I give alot of credit to the women that do this! There are many factors that go into our decision as a couple to have me stay home. It comes with alot of sacrifices, but for our family, it works. One reason is that if I did work outside the home, it would just pay for daycare. I am happy playing the wife/mommy role right now. I plan on going back to work at some point, but not until both kids are in school.

4

It’s hard, it’s really hard. Something has to give somewhere. I spent last year studying full time and I was exhausted by November.

I can’t see myself working 40 hours a week, parenting and running a household. But at the same time, there is a feeling of I should be able to do more and that I have somehow ‘failed’ because it’s just not feasible for me to work full time and parent 2 kids with special needs. It’s hard to settle one way or the other for me.

5

Women (and men) should decide to do whatever they want with their lives and accomplish whatever they want to accomplish.

I plan to go to grad school/professional school, so I don’t think having babies is in my future for the next 6 years or so. Marriage I don’t think about since I don’t have any kind of romantic relationship right now. I would prefer to get married after my bachelor’s degree. I wish to have a baby as soon as I finish my (professional or grad) degree, even if I’m poor and in debt. I like what I plan to study too much right now to contemplate taking a break in the middle of my career to start having babies. Better, I figure, to have them early and then take time and not interrupt my career.

Eh…don’t know but the age is not such a big issue for me. Mom had me when she was 34, my granny had her when she was in her mid 30’s and mom was the eldest daughter. Many people in my family were born from parents who were older than 30 and nearing 40 (or over that age). The nearest relative with special need children is a cousin who had her daughters before she was 30.

What bothers me is that the attitude and image of Supermom exists for women, but no Superdad equivalent exists. I feel is fine for a woman to stay at home if she wants and raise her kids. I have no problem with the mom being the breadwinner either. Men are either looked down or discouraged to be stay at home dads, or they are not shown helping with housekeeping and childrearing as much as the women. That is something I believe should change. I think in many cases the stress of being Supermom would decrease if dad (if he is around) would help more around house and with the kids. Expecting a woman to do every single thing is ridiculous, no one expects that from a man, why is that?

6

Holy cow, Primaflora. I think what you list might kill me. Go give yourself a pat on the back.

I don’t think it’s possible to have it all, no. You pay a price for whatever choices you make, or whatever circumstances you find yourself in, and there is no such thing as not having to pay for what you get–even if you didn’t mean to.

I’m a SAHM with 1.5 kids (one on the way), a mini-job at the library, and some volunteer stuff. I feel very lucky to be able to arrange my life in this way; I don’t know how two-income families survive (when do you do chores? When do you relax a little?). I like staying home, and I have a little time to do things I enjoy. I get to keep my hand in at the library (and incidentally do a job that no one else would want, since it’s about 2 hours a week), and I know they’ll be happy to hire me later when my kids are older. I do a lot of things at home that save us money and prepare us for harder times.

I also feel lucky that I’m pretty well supported as a SAHM. Nobody really asks me why don’t I go out and make something of myself, and I have many friends who do similar stuff; it’s still considered a valid thing to do around here and in my little culture. So that helps.

But yeah, I’m missing out on career advancement and income and power/prestige and whatnot. Maybe I’ll feel dumb later on, trying to get back into things after years away. I hope not, though. (And it’s not like the library world offers a lot of those things anyway.)

7

Mr P is a work at home dad and he is very hands on. It helps but it’s not the total solution. I can’t imagine being married to someone who expected me to do it all. Something would go and it’s likely it would be him.

KarlGrenze, with all due respect, your life plans perfectly illustrate featherlou’s questions. You do see it as possible to have it all and it doesn’t take SuperWoman to do it. And you might achieve it but lordy it’s tiring!

8

Oh, I forgot. I got married just after college, helped mr. genie get through his last 2 years, and then he put me through grad school while he worked. I worked for a while but we started a family (on purpose) fairly soon and moved to a smaller town at the same time. I’m now 29 with a 2.5 yo kid and one due in April. It is unlikely that we will stop there, but we don’t know where we will stop.

Personally, I’ve always planned and wanted to have kids mid-20’s–early 30’s. Best to have 'em while you’re young and can still run around, then you can travel when they’re out of the house! I also pretty much planned to try to stay home.

9

I’m 28, with two kids, ages 5.5 and 2.5. I’m married, am a full time student and stay home. I also do a lot of volunteer work.

For me, I don’t feel stressed about the demands of family, school, and work. Up until July I worked part-time as well and I still made straight A’s this semester. My secrets are sleeping little, and slacking on the housework – no one’s going to die or be buried in heaps of junk, but I don’t do more than the minimum neccessary.

I plan to graduate after 3 more semesters, then go on for graduate study, then get a full time job when my youngest is in kindergarten or first grade. I am not cut out for the full time stay at home gig – I admire those who are

10

1. Is it possible to be a Superwoman and have everything, or do you think that women do have to make choices about what is most important for them to accomplish?

I don’t think it’s possible to have a career, kids, marriage, and hobbies/activities/possessions you want without having to make some compromises in a few or all of these areas. I’m a lawyer. The female lawyers I know who have kids usually take some time off and don’t make partner as quickly as the male counterparts because of it–so there’s one compromise. The ones who don’t take any time off rarely see their husbands or kids–another compromise. The ones who try to balance kids, husband, and career equally usually don’t have time to pursue any outside interests. The ones who emphasize career, marriage, and/or their hobbies, in whatever proportion, usually postpone having kids.

2. What factors are affecting your decisions regarding career/baby/marriage issues?

Well, I’d like to get married, but I’m definitely not going to marry just anyone, so if I don’t meet the right person, it’s not going to happen, and I’m all right with that. By the same token, I’d like to have kids, but if my situation with my potential husband doesn’t seem to allow for that, that’s okay too. I don’t want to be a single mother.

If I do decide to have kids, I do not see myself continuing to practice law in a private law firm. It’s just too much time away from the kids, IMO. I’ll find something else to do, and maybe stay home entirely when they’re young.

3. Is the information that you may not be able to have healthy babies well into your forties changing your long-term goals for yourself?

It concerns me, yes, because I’m 25 and have no prospects of marriage in sight, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to rush out and marry the next guy who comes along and get pregnant. When marriage and kids are right, if they ever are, I’ll know. I’m not going to force them to happen along some time table. If I miss the boat, there’s always adoption.

11

This is a very hotly debated topic at the pregnancy message boards I frequent. Whenever this subject pops up, a seemingly inevitable brawl explodes between the stay-at-home-moms and the working-moms. I don’t consider myself on either “side,” but I feel that a person only has limited time and energy to accomplish their life’s goals and tough choices are essential to success. Despite all the good intentions and all the firm resolve to have the perfect life, from the situations I’ve witnessed it is impossible for a human being to “have it all” without something, whether it be the marriage, the kids, the job, or the individual, suffering from neglect. A person can have a great marriage and great career, or a great marriage and a great family, but attempting to have all three seems to throw a wrench in the works.

I’m currently pregnant with my first and possibly only child. My age (23) and my financial situation would not be considered acceptable by many people (i.e. no McMansion in the suburbs with 2 SUV’s in the driveway) but I can definitely provide adequate warmth, food, and clothing for my child, and it is my life’s priority to supply the “extras” (i.e. access to good schools, books, and music). I already have a B.S., will apply to graduate schools when my son is 3-4, and my husband is very supportive of my staying at home to be the primary caregiver. If I can eventually support us at the same level my husband does, I will have another child and my husband will become a stay-at-home dad (his dream job) for a few years (more if we can bring foster children into our family). If my husband owned the uterus in the family he would have been the full-time caregiver and I the breadwinner, so there is no professional or domestic competition between us. Neither my husband nor I are into material possessions, prestigious jobs, or high income living, so a successful family-centered life is our goal.

A shaky gynecological family history (successful early pregnancies with difficult reproductive issues emerging by the 30’s) coupled with being raised by grandparents in their 50’s (who tried their best, but were often too tired to keep up with an energetic little girl) have all led me to consider late-pregnancy and parenthood an option closed to me. If I do have another child, I will do so by age 30.

12

LOL…True, in a way! I didn’t say it was a perfect plan, and if I have kids I do want to stay at home for some time before going back to work. Which is why I don’t want to have kids while I am studying, that would be tiring, as you have said. And I do expect some help from family.

And you do seem to have a very caring and involved (in their kids’ lives) husband. Good luck for both of you!

13

Depends on exactly what you mean by having it all. I’m married, I work full-time and have a 12 year old and a 13 year old. Work is going well, my marriage is fine and my kids seem to be turning out OK. But- I don’t have a job that requires excessive hours (37 and 1/2 per week is generally it), I don’t have a long commute, my house will never be mistaken for Martha Stewart’s, and my husband doesn’t get to sit on his butt for the rest of the night after he gets home from work. I suppose you could say I compromised in choosing a career that doesn’t require 80 hour work weeks, but the fact is, I wouldn’t have wanted such a career even if I didn’t have children.

One particular advantage I see in my working full-time is that my husband spends more time with our kids than the husbands of SAHM’s I know do.

14

Oh, and what I perceive as Supermom is the woman that spends 40 (or more) hours in a full time job, then goes home and is the primary housekeeper (trying/wanting to keep the house like a showcase house), and being the parent most involved in child rearing (when the two parents are present).

Yes, I do wish to have a career and kids. I don’t want to be the primary housekeeper, I don’t like to do many household chores. If I have to be the housekeeper (as I currently am), the house will be just barely clean and not in complete order. I don’t want to be the only one going to my child (or children)'s activities, especially if I live with the other parent.

15

1. Is it possible to be a Superwoman and have everything, or do you think that women do have to make choices about what is most important for them to accomplish?

It’s all about priorities. Plenty of women work full-time and have wonderful, well-adjusted families. But if a person wants to be the best parent s/he can be, then working 65 hour weeks are just not an option–for moms or dads. Parents need time to themselves to recharge and refresh just like everyone else. On the other hand, if a person wants to be absolutely tops in their field, then children might not fit in their plans. That’s okay. Not everyone has to have kids. But once you’ve got a family, I think that should be your first priority.

2. What factors are affecting your decisions regarding career/baby/marriage issues?

I’m 24 and planning on getting married next year. My SO and I both want kids, and we would like one of us to be a SAH parent–either him or me. However, we both work for non-profits. The work is fulfilling and meaningful, but it doesn’t pay squat. I seriously doubt we could support a child on just one of our salaries. Even though kids are a few years off, it’s something I worry about occasionally at 4 in the morning. :slight_smile:

3. Is the information that you may not be able to have healthy babies well into your forties changing your long-term goals for yourself?

Yes and no. I’d already planned to have kids, but all the recent news about older women having trouble conceiving, has made me realize I might want to start sooner rather than later.

16

Me, 35.

Married, two children, husband with an excellent job. Me with a career type job (IT, Statistical Analysis, Systems Administration, Directories).

  1. I have a housekeeper. Two days a week.

  2. I have a really good daycare situation I pay through the nose for.

  3. We’ve decided only one of us can be ambitious. It is him. I have a career, but I decidedly don’t “work” at it.

  4. My mother is a big help. She lives fairly close by, will drop everything to pick up my kids. And does the laundry while she is watching them.

  5. We’ve scheduled our work life to limit daycare. My husband has mornings with the kids and doesn’t drop them off until 8am. I’m out of work by 4:00 to pick them up by 5:00.

  6. I have pretty good kids. My daughter can be a handful - but she just turned three. She’s starting to outgrow it.

It is possible to “have it all.” But it takes a combination of luck and money (and a helpful husband and great mother don’t hurt either).

I went through infertility in my 20s. My son is adopted. My daughter a “surprise” I had when I was 32. Infertility can hit anyone - even young women - although its more likely to hit when you are older. The lesson I learned was 1) never assume getting pregnant will be easy (there was no family history of infertility for me, and women who reproduced easily in my family into their late 30s) 2) Don’t plan your life assuming a December baby when you are 28 (you might get lucky and it will happen, but you might not).

17
  1. Is it possible to be a Superwoman and have everything, or do you think that women do have to make choices about what is most important for them to accomplish?

Not without a lot of riches and a lot of help.

I spent the last few years working full-time, trying to finish a dissertation, and raising a little boy. I could not have done it if my husband wasn’t a dedicated and capable father with an extremely flexible schedule. It would have been easier if I’d hired an au pair and had a regular housekeeper and had more food delivered. But I lack the moolah.

I think choices are important–and that, to me, is how we can measure progress for women. Not how high each of us gets up the corporate ladder, but how many of us really get to choose a career–including the choice not have a career outside of the home.

I could have tried to be “Superwoman” but I found that something had to give. Which influenced my career choice, as I explain below…

  1. What factors are affecting your decisions regarding career/baby/marriage issues?

For me, it’s my own happiness, and my understanding that my happiness effects my family’s happiness and well-being.

I decided that I didn’t want to be a faculty member because all of the women faculty I saw at Michigan didn’t have what would constitute a happy life for me. So I chose a less high-pressure career. I wanted to be able to have hobbies and volunteer in the community and know that when I went home at 6 pm my time was my own. No grading papers, writing, doing research. No tenure pressure. No pressure to prove myself as “serious.”

I decided that I didn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom because I get a lot out of my job. Also, I knew that I wouldn’t be very happy with my mothering during the toddler years–it’s been challenging and I feel relieved that my son spends part of every day with a loving, experienced, patient woman who adores him as much as I do.

Doing both is hard (working and being a mom) but my friends who stay at home have it hard, too. Just in a different way. I feel frazzled when I come home from a long day at work, but at least I am getting to change gears. Stay at home moms don’t get that. From wakeup to bedtime, it’s much the same.
3. Is the information that you may not be able to have healthy babies well into your forties changing your long-term goals for yourself?

No. Well, except that I knew I couldn’t go for tenure and have a baby (well, I could but I’d risk my sanity), but since I decided to not be a faculty member that became a moot point.

18

That’s funny. We’re a lot opposite. Married, house, 2 cars, 1 kid (2.5 years old)

While both of us have had pretty positive careers (barring my firm collapsing last Spring) we have these things in mind:

  1. My industry is one of shorter hours so I do a lot of the ‘pick up drop off’ stuff.

  2. Lady Chance does laundry, I cook and do dishes. I admit, I started cooking out of self-defense.

  3. I’ve arranged for a maid service and a lawn service. Note that I did the arranging. All the stuff dealing with people not of the family is left to me: banks, contractors, whatever. If it’s outside contact: it’s me.

Any Lady Chance STILL stresses about the condition of the house and how much she wants it to be better but she lacks the time.

I don’t know how much more I can do. It’s a little frustrating to put in all this effort to making it easy and still see her not accepting it.

19

I’ll speak for both myself and Mrs. Bernse here, Featherlou.

Before we got married two years ago, we both came to mutual understandings about her carrer and us. A bit of background on both of us.

I have a very “secure” (well, as secure as can be nowadays) job. I am in a management position with my company and have been with the company since I was 20 (I just turned 30). Mrs. Bernse is an articling Engineer and Land Surveryor.

First off, we’re not even sure if we want kids. But, if we do, the agreed upon things:

None until she gets her P.Eng and Surveyor commision (another 2 years)

None until the house is paid off.

None until the cars are paid off (1 year left - mine, none on hers).

Everything is paid for in Cash with no/minimal credit used.

Reasons being:

If we have kids, we do not want to be living hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck like our folks did until they got their shit together.

Worst case scenario, if we both lost our jobs and couldn’t get another one anytime soon, the cars and house aren’t going to be repo’d.

At least one of us is going to want to stay at home for a few years if/when little Bernse is born and without all those payments, one salary will easily cover everything.

So, for the time being while her carrer is ramping up and mine is steady, we take our combined income and pay off as much of the mortgage as we can… hopefully (knock on wood) the new house will be paid off within 3-4 years, and then we can consider having kids since we will be able to devout our energies and finances to raising one without “concerns” hanging over our heads.

Not to say that our respective parents didn’t do a good job with having the typical mortgage, car and credit card payments, but it sure as heck would have been easier without it.

Just the way we plan on doing other things…

20

hmm, this is all hypothesising, you understand.

i’m 20, irishfella is 21. we’re in the stage where we plan to get married at some point, but aren’t formally engaged.

i’m gonna be a doctor, and would like to have my family early, rather than later. this means that i’d be able to make my way up the ladder faster.

what i’d REALLY like to do is to have irishfella work from home (he’s a computer geek, it wouldn’t be impossible) while i worked.

whatever happens, i’m gonna be a working mother, it’s just whether irishfella is going to be able to be a SAHD or not.

if i can play as big a part in my kids lives that my dad played in mine i’d be happy.
he works 8-8 monday to friday, but his evenings and weekends belong to us.
poor guy.