Exactly
This is why I choose not to call myself a ‘feminist’
I am all for equal rights, but I will do what I want with my life regardless of what anyone else thinks.
This is my mother. Totally honestly. She’s amazing.
So with that shining example, I know that you can do anything you want to. You make your priorities and you do your stuff.
My priorities, however, are not my mother’s. I want to be able to have a bit more time to spend on my kids and a husband who is not worthless as a partner and a parent. (That gets rid of the primary stuff, but adds the need to spend time with your partner as well.)
So I’m just an undergrad, but I plan on getting married sometime, having kids before I’m 30 (probably even if I have to go it alone. Being a Mom is way high on my list of things I want to do) and having a satisfying career after college. They are all things I want to do, that I would not be happy if I didn’t do. I would not be behaving as the person I have come to know and respect as myself if I don’t. I wouldn’t be fulfilled by being a SAHM, nor would I be fulfilled by being a totally career minded woman.
Yes, I want everything, but I’m willing to work to get it and that has to be good for something.
Medea, for some years (until she quit before they fired her), that was my mom too. And that is not something I want for myself, even if I know I’m able to make it. She is still stressed out and with guilty feelings.
Sarina:
Amen. Prime parenting/working years are from 25-65, say. That’s a long freaking time, and you can do a couple different things for 10-15 years each–which is a long time.
Take my mom: First baby at 20, sixth baby at 32. Spent 14 years as a SAHM, then two years as a SAHM/full time student. Which is a good long time. Then, when my yougest sister was in the second grade and my oldest sister was 18, she rejoined the work force at 38. Now, 18 years later (which, again, is a good long time) she’s a accounting/productions systems analyst for a big company, makes six figures, and has the sort of job where she travelsto Japan and Singapore. And she’s 56, folks–still ten years from retirement. She 's got time for another major career shift before then.
Now, my mom’s example is a bit extreme because
- She’s brilliant and manic.
- After six kids nothing that the corporate world threw at her was really a big deal.
- She was also pretty lenient about housework–stuff was clean, but we never decorated, or entertained, or anything like that. And we fed ourselves out of the freezer once she went back to work.
- My dad’s great. As mom’s career took off and becamne more and more time consuming, he gradually picked up more and more of the maintaince stuff.
- My parents also never had social lives. This was not a sacrifice on their parts, more just an expression of personality–neithre of them enjoy social situations, and between six kids (and a million siblings) and, most especially, each other, they are pretty self contained.
Despite some of the stuff htat makes my mom stand out, the fact remains that forty years is a long time, and someone can stay home with a baby from that baby’s birth to high school graduation and still have twenty years to build a carreer. And you can build a career in twenty years.
Thanks Maeglin. I did read your previous posts several times and I couldn’t follow what you were meaning. Thanks for clarifying.
I don’t know if it’s possible, but I certainly odn’t understand why women even want “everything”. Why is it so important to have kids? Why is it so important to have a career? Why is there this huge struggle? I really don’t understand it at all.
I guess I don’t understand because a long time ago I decided that children aren’t going to fit into my life.
Neither my parents had careers, went to college, or were terribly successful. I am not going to be in their position, ever. So, career is first. I can’t live like that again. Shoot, I can’t live like this again.
I’m already married. He supports any decision I make re: school and career. Marriage was never a priority, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That leaves kids. I don’t have time for them.
No. I’m not going to spend years and thousands and thousands of dollars on education so I can pop out a few kids and have to deal with that responsibility.
Though, FWIW, if if I have kids, my husband will be a SAHD. (Since he’s the one who wants them anyway, and I’m the one going to school.)
Well, this is a moot point since you don’t want kids (and that’s a legitimate choice), but one of the reasons I wanted to go to school was so I could have the kind of job that made having kids more feasible: one with decent hours, security, retirement savings, health care, and maternity leave. For me, having my son wasn’t torpedo-ing all those years of education. It actually represented reaping some of the benefits of my education. I have a wonderful job with good pay and outstanding benefits, and that makes it possible for me to enjoy parenting much more.
I was raised by a mostly stay at home mom who was a feminist and instilled in me the belief that “girls can do anything!” The subtle, tacit parts of her belief system that wrought havoc were
“housework is of no importance whatsoever and women who care about it or, god forbid, like it are brainwashed backward drones”
“girls can do anything, but they are only fulfilling their potential if they wildly succeed in a high-status, male dominated profession”
“for each person there is one perfect career that requires exactly her innate mix of passions and talents. When this career is identified and pursued, self-actualization and financial reward are the results”
It took me a long time to tease out these beliefs explicitly so I could see how silly they were.
I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have two boys, 3 and 1. My first child was my daughter who died at four months old (she had Trisomy 18).
Despite school success I could never get on board the career bus. I had a few jobs and then thought I figured out the “one career” and went to professional school only to learn to regard that career with deadening dread.
Luckily, by then, I was married. I got pregnant, and basically never looked back. I hope I never have to work again. If I have to, I will. I just like a relaxed lifestyle that doesn’t require me to always be on schedule. I love just hanging out playing with my kids, taking them to parks and puppet shows, etc. My husband and I are delighted to live in a kind of shabby neighborhood that doesn’t put much pressure on us to keep the yard looking pristine. He has a good job, but we’ll never be rich. I guess we just don’t have that go-for-it spirit.
So to answer your questions:
Sure it’s possible. It probably helps to have small sleep requirements and high energy levels.
Passionate adoration of my babies. Indifference to career.
Well, I’ve already had some babies (though I wouldn’t mind more), but if I hadn’t, it certainly would affect my actions. I always find myself wanting to shout to my kidless friends “Do you know your time is running out!??”
Thanks for the thread, featherlou. This is a subject that concerns me bigly, and I will probably continue discussing it with everyone who will listen until I figure out an answer. It’s good to see how other women have managed to find their own balance, but at the moment I don’t quite know how I’m ever going to find a balance for myself.
I’m 23, single, live on my own but not far from mum and dad. I’ve just finished my third year of a medicine degree, I have at least three years to go but more likely four, as I want to take next year out to do research. I have a sort of “five-year plan”: research next year, three years to finish my degree, then my one-year internship in a public hospital (I’m required to do this before I can practise in Australia). Once I’m through all that, I’ll either think about a medical specialty, or a PhD (and probably head interstate/overseas either way). Having said all that, I don’t believe in making long-term, set-in-stone plans for my future (because whenever I do circumstances get in the way), so I’m open to all sorts of possibilities.
Marriage is something that will happen if/when I find the right person at the right time. I don’t know if I ever want kids, and can’t imagine having them within the next 5-10 years. On the other hand, if I do decide to have children, I’ll want to do it by the time I’m 35 or so, for lots of good reasons. And, at 35, my career is likely to just be hotting up.
So where does that leave me? I don’t like the idea of putting my hypothetical kids in daycare 5 days/week (not that I’m judging anyone who does use daycare, I just don’t like the idea for myself). I want them to have one parent at home with them until they start school (not necessarily the same parent all the time), and I want them to have lots of time with both of their parents. A lot will depend on the father of these hypothetical children, I suppose.
I was lucky enough to grow up in a strong extended family, and love and respect of my family is high on my list of values. I don’t like the idea of not having a family (and my own children) around me as I get older. But I also want a great career. I am, I suppose, one of the greedy generation of women who wants it all. I guess I’ll find a compromise somewhere along the line, but right now, I don’t see how I’ll ever fit it all in.
I’m not sure if you want to hear from me, but here’s my two cents worth.
I never wanted the traditional ‘everything’, so there’s no conflict.
Kids : I have never wanted to have kids, and am planning to get sterilised soon.
Career : I don’t want a high-powered, long-hours powerful career. I do hope to get a good job, doing what I enjoy and progress in that field, but not at the expense of other priorities.
Marriage : I have married my soulmate, and he feels the same way about kids and careers.
My priorities are on learning things, exploring, being happy, helping loved family members and friends and having a loving (two-person) family.
Therefore, according to my priorities I am well on my way to ‘having it all’. I think people have to figure out what they want, and then decide what they’re prepared to do without to get that. Each to their own and all that. It’s about weighing up priorities. Everyone has different priorities, different wants and different ways of weighing what’s important to them.
I have made several compromises, but still fell as if I’m ‘having it all’. AFAIC, loving my life is ‘having it all’.