Only lack of sex is a deal-breaker. Other than that, sex is (almost) never relevant as to ending a relationship. From my POV, at least.
A woman who does not take responsibility for her own orgasm is my definition of bad in bed. She lies there passively, gives no verbal feedback and/or ambiguous “morse code” feedback, (noncommital grunts), and expects the man to get her off. Take charge! Get on top, tell me what you want, give yourself a hand; do something.
Oh yeah…chronic yeast infections = bad in bed, only in that I feel that sex is woefully incomplete without at least some cunnilingus. I need to feed…women are yummy. I had a girlfriend who had this unfortunate situation, and it really ended up messing with my desire for her. sigh
I lived with a guy for a few years who was extremely emotionally abusive outside the bedroom, then wondered why I didn’t want to have sex very often.
When I did placate him, he proved just as determined to hurt me in bed as he was out of bed.
A few highlights
Handling my most delicate flesh as though he were trying to rub the skin off. I would repeatedly tell him, “take it easy. Take it easy. TAKE IT EASY!” He actually had the nerve to tell me he didn’t know what I meant when I said “Take it easy”. I kind of thought that three word sentence was self-explanatory. It means TAKE IT FREAKING EASY!!!
Attempting to dislocate my hip. Every single time. I would try to readjust, my leg so that I wouldn’t be in pain, and he would force it back into his preferred position. Hey, he was getting his, why should it matter if I needed orthopedic treatment after he got done?
Oral sex. Call me a prude, but I’m just disgusted by the whole idea, especially cunnilingus. I tried it several times, I really did. I would give him some fellatio to help keep him, uh, up, but I would stop short of “finishing” him off. It hurt my jaw after a couple of minutes, and the taste of the little pre-ejaculatory drippings was just gross. I put up with it to keep him happy (which was an impossible task- no matter what I did, it was wrong). He repeatedly tried to “go down” on me even after I had tried it and expressed my intense dislike. The feeling of another human being’s tongue “down there” was the single most disgusting sensation I have ever felt in my life, especially since that human being took great pleasure in causing me emotional pain outside the bedroom, using that same tongue. I would close my legs, tell him to stop, and I literally would have to kick him in the head to get him to stop trying.
The only reason I stayed with the asshat as long as I did was because, after a long period of unemployment, I finally found a low-paid job, and he promptly quit his, then developed a convenient case of agoraphobia (kept him from working, r helping me with the supermarket shopping, but not from going into a store to buy liquor, or from going out to party with his friends) which meant that I couldn’t save up enough money to put down a deposit on my own place.
I eventually ended up moving in with my mother, then stayed at the YWCA for a year until I got a decent job and could get a place of my own.
Anyhoo, I really don’t think orgasms are all that important, although they are nice. To my way of thinking, if there are, um, technical issues, well, the Kama Sutra is available at a bookstore near you. What is important is that the guy actually gives a damn if the woman is enjoying it, and is willing to at the very least to try to avoid inflicting pain on her. Also, he should have enough respect for her that, once she’s tried something that she finds unappealing a few times in an effort to please him, and found it to be something that she not only does not enjoy, but actually revolting, he shouldn’t insist on wanting to do it every freaking time they hit the sheets.
Don’t take this wrong, but there’s nothing anyone can tell you that will help you. You’re incredibly nervous and insecure about having sex, which is normal, but you’re building up your expectations on yourself and on your future partner(s) to an impossible degree. Nothing we can say will change the fact that:
You think sex is very very important.
You assume you’re going to be bad at it, at least at first.
If you have sex with someone who has any previous experience at all and/or you don’t do everything exactly right, they’re going to thinking about how much worse you are in comparison with every previous person they’ve done anything with or heard about.
Because of #3, any experience which isn’t with the virginal love of your life at the exact right moment is going to be a shameful, scarring disaster that will ruin the rest of your life.
#4 is pretty unrealistic, allowing you to avoid potential (realistic but imperfect) sexual encounters and continue to obsess and build up the expectations and pressure on yourself.
You need to relax and stop driving yourself crazy. Until you do, no advice can help you. The only way to learn how to swim is to get in the water, and being stressed and panicky won’t make things easier. Be patient and don’t worry about it until you’re actually doing it – if you let things happen naturally, you’ll learn as you go, just like everyone else. It won’t be perfect at first, but it’ll get better.
Giraffe speaks the truth - if you think you’re going to be bad in bed, well, you’re probably going to be bad in bed unless you somehow manage to relax. You’ll be too stressed out to be able to read any cues from her short of her smacking you over the head and pushing your hand/head/whatever to where she’d like it to be, not to mention other issues.
Everyone has a first time. And everyone had times during that first time where they were less than perfect - or even less than competent. Plus one sexual encounter doesn’t make you an expert; even a few don’t. Different people could teach you different things, or it might take a few dozen sexual encounters (even with the same person) to figure out how to make a particular technique/position/whatever work out. It’s not the end of the world, or the end of a relationship, if during the first time you can’t give her an orgasm, you have one “too early”, you can’t quite figure out oral sex, etc.
Ahem. Ok I’ve been on the shrieking end before, and I don’t know if they were “trying a fabulous move” or not, but the shrieking usually comes after some kind of undue pressure (read crushing) on the balls… I would imagine the shrieking would ensue if she decides we are a couple of men and gets curious about the mangina…