So, you love your SO, but he/she is really, really lame in the bedroom department, and doesn’t make any efforts to get better, in fact he/she instead refuses to even try.
So what do you do? Just not have sex at all? Keep naggin’? Learn to love your “toys”? What?
Unlike the cheating thread, I do have personal experience with this. A boyfriend I had when I was in my 20s was like this. Absolutely no interest in foreplay or touching or making sure I enjoyed it too. I pretty much just stopped having sex with him. (after I tried every thing under the sun to “bring him up to speed”).
My first serious girlfriend was like this. We dated through college, to my deep and abiding shame. Luckily, she made up for being utterly inept and disinterested sexually by being really mean the rest of the time.
My advice: don’t date someone if they are both sexually unskilled and unwilling to learn. Once you realize this is the case, break up with them.
I couldn’t make him understand by telling him, so I stopped everything completely. An extreme tactic that could have backfired. Fortunately when I explained that we were no longer having sex because he no longer bothered to arouse me, he got the point right quick. Blowjobs are a powerful bargaining tool.
Now our all time record is 20 orgasms in an hour…
Reminds me of a comic on tv yesterday. She said she would do this cause it’s like when her brother would be asked to do the dishes & he didn’t get them clean so they never asked him again…
One of my old friends was in this situation, and unfortunately she married the guy before he started to lose his touch in bed. She had toys and such that helped for a while, but eventually she did cheat on him with someone she had slept with before (who she knew was skilled and relatively “safe”). As far as I know, the husband never found out, and she was the happier for it.
Not what I would recommend, really, but in her shoes… who knows what a person would be driven to?
Does anyone think it’s different if you are a man with a really bad female partner? Or a woman with a really bad male partner?
FTR, the man in my personal experience from my 20s? I still loved him and didn’t break up with him, he was really sweet, brilliant, well-spoken and well-read and a LOT of fun, it wasn’t a problem for ME to just simply go without, but it was for him, he was pretty grouchy that I avoided sex. But that wasn’t what eventually broke us up, we just dealt with that part. But, it WAS the last time I “put up with” bad sex, after that? If they couldn’t kiss (in my experience a pretty good guage of how they were in bed), I was done with them.
Dude! I’d give ya’ a hug, but…well…you know. I give good hug, and…well… it’s been a while for you, and…well… it could get ugly.
Really bad sex (or no sex)? Buh bye! Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. No kids to consider, in my case, or any other good reason to put up with that no sex crap.
I agree with the idea of kissing being a good indicator of other sexual performance, but it’s not absolutely accurate. My most recent GF is one of the world’s worst kissers, but not one of the world’s worst lovers. Not that she’s great, but she’s not awful.
And, I do think it’s different for men and women. If a woman just lies there like a dead fish, a man can still reach orgasm. But, the reverse is not true. But, it’s not so different as to make it acceptable, IMHO.
I got the point across to one ex rather intensely. It wasn’t that he was awful, on those occasions when he would devote the time and the attention; actually, he was pretty damn intense. But he would go through these periods where he just wanted to be done in 10 minutes and back to cracking the books. I had a hard time talking with him about it; he was a super macho dude from the North Caucasus, a culture in which men generally don’t have women as platonic friends and people don’t talk openly about sex much. I’m sure he meant well, but we were quite literally speaking two different languages, and my Russian vocab in this department was sorely lacking at the time.
How did I deal with it? Got him all worked up, then got up, turned on the lights, and started getting dressed. He protested, “Wait! What are you doing? Where are you going?” I answered, “I’m done, so I’m going back to my room to hang out with my friends.” He never pulled that crap on me again.
This sounds bad but he would hae to have a whole lot of connection somewhere else for me to get past it. I don’t think I could live withit. I am hugely physical and I connect emotionally and passionatly through physical contact. I don’t think i could stay with him for very long.
20 orgasms in an hour? I simply cannot believe it. Why would anyone want that many in one hour? Your so must be the man. I would be so sore after 2 or 3 I’d wanna stop…sheesh…
If your SO doesn’t want to try everything in their power to help you get yours, then leave 'em. It’s one thing to be bad, it’s something else not to try.
I’d say I’m pretty much middle of the road in terms of how much importance I place on sex in a relationship. Hell yes, it matters, but lack of skills wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me.
This, however, would be:
IMO, this signals bigger issues than lack of skills; it basically means the other person doesn’t give a crap about your happiness, which could extend to other areas of the relationship.
Been there, done that, and it wasn’t much fun. And yep, I stopped having sex with him.
I saw this happen to a fellow. He was sleeping in the floor when a Chihuahua nailed him in a couple of seconds.
He was a virginal Christian, so he was very upset when, while he was frantically cleaning the spooge out of his ear, we insisted that not only was he no longer a virgin, but he was a bestialist as well.
Yeek! Sorry it was so bad for you. Hope it got better since.
I personally have had more than my share of “bad” sex, except for me the definition of “bad” is a little different. The vast majority of my lovers were decently skilled, but usually I was just not into it. For me, this made it bad, but it wasn’t their fault.
I have been with a few women though who have no delicacy of touch, or think that all men are to be handled the way men in porn films are. (i.e., yanked, pulled, squeezed etc.) Rarely did I feel a need to enlighten these women. I just never slept with them again. In fact, usually I never even called or went out with them again.
Otherwise, I agree with those who’ve said being unwilling to try is worse than being bad in the first place.
