sigh I’m in a slump right now. Well, I’m not. I still want sex all the time, but not my husband. I don’t know why…he denies that our sex life has changed at all. I’m hoping he’s just board, and I’m trying not to take it personally…(i.e. I’m completely undesirable in every way, etc) but it’s rather hard not to. Anywho, I’m trying to think of ways to shake things up a bit. However, I don’t hve a very good imagination. What are some of your favorite tricks? I’m pretty much willing to try anything…
SIGH
board=bored.
:rolleyes:
How about Dressing up as a nurse(or whatever), riding a silk saddle, experamenting with sex toys or having sex in a different place ?
We use pepper.
I’ll tell you one important thing: the greatest myth in the American media is htat “real men” want it all the time. I think they do this because it A) makes men feel insecure when they find they think about anything but sex for fifteen minutes at a time and b) makes women feel horribly insecure if their man, or men in general, aren’t trying to bang them morning, noon, and night: after all, “real men” would fuck a pile of rocks if they thought it had a rattlesnake under it, so if he goes two days without trying to get in your panties you must be a pus-covered leper with halitosis. They have products to fix all that.
So, while I know it is hard, don’t take it personally. Sex drives tend to wax and wane, and you can’t panic over every shift. Nothing kills libido like desperate stress and neediness.
Now, that dosen’t mean you can’t do things to break the monotony. But do them because they sound fun, not because you have to save your marrige or anything. Don’t feel like this is some make it-or-break-it point. It isn’t.
One thing I would recommend is frequent masterbation. This will keep you from being so edgy about it–see above on neediness being a turnoff. Other dopers will have better romantic ideas than I–I am not Romantic–but I would caution against getting in the habit of using escalation of kinkiness as a way to “keep things interesting”. Again, do things because they sound fun, not because you feel like you need to “push the envelope”. When novelty becomes the thing you need, you run out of ideas in five or ten years: once you’ve tried necro-corpro-philia, you have pretty much hit a wall.
Manda, you bring up a good point (as always). Especially about the myth that men want sex all of the time. But I’m not talking a little shift here.
He used to be very touchy-feely. He would grab and kiss me, rub me, touch me, out of the blue. At night even if he wasn’t in the mood for sex, he would spoon and cuddle. (He’s the cuddler in the relationship.) Now…nothing. No PDA, SDA, no sex, no cuddling…
I don’t want to esculate the kinkiness…but I will admit, we do have a routine, and I’m thinking (hoping?) that maybe its just the routine he’s tired of…
Manda Jo has some fantastic points.
Another thing to explore is how intimate are you two outside the physical? Familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, but can put one in the position of taking one’s partner for granted. Perhaps the ‘spice’ you seek is some renewed emotional intimacy that may be waning with rote routine.
Have you told him that you miss the intimacy? Try spending some time talking about how you both are doing, and what has been going on. Reminiscing about when the relationship was new, can also bring one to mind of how lucky pepperlandguy is to be with a sexy compatible partner.
Sometimes, for a change, I wait until The Wife is awake.
We worked everything out to a fine level of daily intimacy years ago. We have our best relations when we are both well rested and have been able to spend time together, doing the things we enjoy. A day on the boat puts us both in the mood; you may need to find your own hobby.
Okay, I give up, I admit to being a hopeless square. What does this mean?
Sailboat. Water. Long Island Sound. Picnic lunch. Leaving the kids on shore. Day of working together and conversation.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…a day on the BOAT.
Gotcha.
Can you call him at work? Call and tell him, well, use the words “naked, satin, ear-nibbling, wet, and full-body massage.”
The latest issue of Cosmopolitan suggests you get some personal lubricant. Put some on you. Put some on him. Ooo, slick!
Wal-Mart sells Astroglide. Good stuff. Cosmo says it’s their best sex tip.
Oh, and NEVER substitute Vick’s for “personal lubricant.”
Have you tried being the initiator more often? The other suggestions above are great, but this statement made me wonder a little bit. It could be that he is just tired of being the one to ‘start things’.
Even if that isn’t the problem, lots of men fine it very appealing for a woman to be a bit aggressive in pursuing sex. It might renew his interest if he realizes just how interested you are. Enthusiasm tends to be infectious, after all!
If he still rejects your advances, it might be time to talk about it more directly. Just keep in mind that many men are very sensitive about their sexual performance. If he feels inadequate, it might make things even worse. So, should it become necessary, frame the discussion positive terms. Rather than talking about how unhappy you are with your current sex life, talk about a particularly special/erotic experience you’ve had together and suggest an encore.
Hopefully, that made some sense. . .Good luck!
The Body Shop sells great massage oil - it’s only like $8, and you can add whatever scents you want. Massages are a great way to get someone in the mood.
I second AstroGlide - you have no idea how amazing that stuff is until you try it. Remember Slip & Slides from childhood? Imagine that, only a million times better.
If you at all into anything involving the butt (toy, finger, tongue, whatever), buy some Anal Ese. It’s a flavored lubricant (strawberry is my favorite) that also desensitizes, or numbs, wherever you put it. If you have not tried the rear exit before, give it a whirl (but start with Anal Ese and a finger). There’s a big chance one or both of you will really, really like it. Anal beads are pretty righteous, but get the ones that have the stiff plastic connection pieces, not thread. The thread it just too damn complicated.
I think, overall, the best way to keep sex interesting and exciting and new is to expiriment a lot. Not because you have to, but because it can be really fun, especially when you are in a loving, trusting relationship. Buy a toy both of you can use (I promise, the Adult XXX Super Store is embarassing for like, two minutes). Rent or buy a porn; that’s always fun and usually arousing. Oils and lubricants are great for adding flavor or new sensations to ho-hum sex. If you don’t rely on condoms for birth control, try different sorts of condoms. You can get these great cock rings that are soft plastic, with little nubs on them, that will satisfy both of you. Spread a plastic sheet on the floor or on the bed and go crazy with edible body paint. Or try taking a bath together, and make him shave your legs.
I think the best thing to do when your partner is going through a no-sex/intimacy phase (trust me, it happens - I’ve been in your shows and in your husband’s) is to not make a huge deal out of it. Of course, it’s important to talk about it, but in my experience even the most wonderful guy will feel persecuted if you nag or remind him about the problem, as it is now. Just whip a few things out on him - have some lubricant or a toy by the bed, show it to him, and ask if he wants to use it with you before bed. If things really don’t improve, then you need to seriously talk about it, but it may just pass in a few weeks. Try a few new things and see it that works first.
Again, don’t freak out. Snuggleing also waxes nad wanes in normal, healthy relationships.
I know you have both been busy, busy, busy this last year. I think that this, more than boredom, is likely to be at the root of the problem. He’s tired. Furthermore, you probably feel a bit like strangers: you havne’t had enough time to do the sort of this-was-my-day chats that keep a couple in tune. Rather than French maid outfits and saran-wrap (which I know you can ill-afford), try having a sit down meal together once a day (breakfast is sometimes easier to schedule than dinner) or a TV show oyu can watch together. Watching Simpson’s reruns together on the couch is a great way to laugh and snuggle. My husband and I went through a nice faze where watched the Simpsons together every night when he got off work (we taped it). He was working 3-12 and I had to be up by 7, but we could squeeze out that thirty minutes of together time, and that made a huge difference.
The Mrs treated me to a fine birthday treat one year. We got on-line and spent 60 bucks on sex toys. The best part was skimming through all this stuff together jokeing about “how about THIS one?”
After about 30 minutes of “shopping” we both got pretty worked up. We placed our order and quickly got naked. 
THEN, several days later the toys arrived and we got naked again.
It was great fun.
Well, I’m thinking of adding a partner…
:o How did you manage to only spend 60 dollars? (sounds like the window shopping had a value all its own, though!)
My sex life currently involves masturbation and f0ne b0ning. However, I recently purchased a lot of lotions, oils, lubricants, toys and other playthings that will ensure we have a very interesting honeymoon
May I pleeeeeeeeze use this as a sig?
(back off, people; I called it first)
My suggestion to the OP. Try something very sexy but ABSOLUTELY NO SEX!! Perhaps give him a back massage… after 10 minutes or so ask him to remove is shirt. Start rubbing his legs. Ask him to remove his pants so you can massage his legs. Rub his butt. Work your way into the crevices but don’t touch the package. After a while, slow down, kiss him on the back of the neck and ask him if that was nice. No sex! If he flips over and begs for it, give him a response like, “Oh, sweetie, I’m tired from the massage. How 'bout a hand job?”
Don’t sound like you’re “punishing him”, and don’t sound passive agressive. It isn’t about that; it’s about paying close attention to his body in a loving but non-sexual way.
He’ll be horny for the next 4 days - I promise.