Lalalalala! It's the Unitarian Jihad! Lalalalala!

[elmwood]

Whether ot not you consider them terrorists depends entirely on your own conclusion..

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

[snip]

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

[snip]

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

[snip]

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution[/snip]

Lalalalalalalala! Please take a blue mug to identify if you’re new to the Jihad. Lalalalalalalala!
By the way, my Unitarian Jihad name is “The Hand Grenade of Warm Humanitarianism”. Lalalalalalalala! This is NPR.

[silenus]

Cool. You may hereafter refer to me as Brother Claymore of Reasoned Discussion.
Or not.

[Long_Time_First_Time]

That’s funny!

Having just sat through my UU church’s spring meeting I can’t tell you how close this was to a verbatum transcript of the proceedings.

[Telperien]

Sister Sword of Patience.

It’s like I finally know who I really am!

[ultrafilter]

Brother Garrote of Enlightenment

Yes, that will do nicely.

[moes_lotion]

Seeing as how I missed my SDMB renewal date by one day and hence am no longer of the Chartered elect, I am hereby to be known as…

Mr. Logging Chain of Reasoned Discussion

Thank you for your cooperation…

[kalex]

Sister Atom Bomb of Reflection…

Finally, an ideology I can get on board with!

[redtail23]

Pepper Spray of Loving Kindness, oh yeah.

We are Unitarian Jihad.

[Regallag_The_Axe]

Say hello to the new Brother Jackhammer of Enlightenment.

[uglybeech]

Call me…

SCOLASQ

(Sister Claymore of Looking at All Sides of the Question)

[Rich_Mann]

I am Brother Chainsaw of Quiet Contemplation! I rock [sub]in a non-threatening way…[/sub]

[Battle_Pope]

Greetings from: The Dagger of Quiet Reflection

[Zabali_Clawbane]

It gave me Sister Dagger of Loving Kindness.

[OtakuLoki]

I am Brother Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism. And if you don’t believe me I may just have to write a firm, but polite, protest note.

[VampyChick]

Just call me Sister Main Gauche of Looking at All Sides of the Question.

[swampbear]

I am Brother Main Gauche of Courteous Debate. If you get out of line, I will take your hand and say “Now! Now! Let’s all play nice” and if you don’t I might not give you a cookie unless that would hurt your feelings if everybody but you got a cookie, then I’ll give you one. You still have to place nice to get another one though. I’m sorry to be so stern but we must be courteous.

Aww… don’t cry! Here, have another cookie.

[Walker_in_Eternity]

Henceforth call me Brother Rail Gun of Forgiveness.

[Genghis_Bob]

. . . is this decaffe? I prefer decaff . . . if that’s okay with everyone. . .

[Stark_Raven_Mad]

I am Brother +5 Flaming Vorpal Sword of Suaveness. Let it be noted in the minutes that all fear my natural 20.

[Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor]

@Stark Raven Mad

I am Brother +5 Flaming Vorpal Sword of Suaveness. Let it be noted in the minutes that all fear my natural 20.

Let it be further noted that any references to the word “nerd” are hurtful & against our Revolutionary Principles, as stated in the memo I have issued under my alias of Brother Sabre of Sweet Reason.