Lame Joke Thread

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just wanted post some of the jokes I think are absolutly hillarious but everyone else thinks are insanely stupid. Maybe then someone can tell me what’s wrong with my sense of humor. All of you out there please post the lamest jokes you’ve ever heard.

Here’s mine:
Did you ever hear the story about the Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac?

Well, he stayed up all night long wondering if there really is a dog

Here’s my favorite joke of all time. My little sister made this one up when she was 6, and it had me and my dad rolling for at least an hour while everyone else stared at us in shocked disbelief.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To jump in the oatmeal!!!

Thats all I can remember for now, Ill post more later.

2

Okay, here’s a lame one.

It was late in October, near Halloween, and I decided to take a walk in the woods near my house. I had had a cold recently so I brought along a package of cough drops. It was a beautiful fall day and I was enjoying seeing the birds flittering in the trees and the squirrels gathering nuts.

But I wandered off the trail and before I could find my way back it was getting dark. I tried to find the trail again but though the moon was out I couldn’t see any recognizable landmarks.

Then I heard a noise and saw something move. Was it a wild animal? Another lost hiker? No–as I stared at it I realized it was a coffin! And it was coming after me!

I ran and ran. I ran up hills and down hills and through creeks and ravines but no matter how fast I went it kept chasing me. I threw a stick at it but it didn’t care. I tried to hide behind a rock but it found me and the chase was on again. It kept making this eerie wailing noise and it was getting closer every second–there was no way I could outrun it!

I was close to exhaustion. I scrambled up a tree but it started climbing up after me. Then I remembered something. I grabbed my package of cough drops, put one in my mouth, and the coffin stopped.

3

Two turtles in a bathtub. First one says, “Hey, can you pass the soap?” Second one says, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”

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superbee, you’ve screwed up the punchline. Anyone who’s ever been through third grade knows the proper punchline is:

No soap, radio!

Anyways, here’s a favorite:

Q. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A. A can’t opener!

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Q: Why are saddles so hard to get along with?

A: 'Cause they always stirrup trouble

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There’s a third grade???

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I heard this one, after all my friends came back from the same camp and they all memorized it.

There was a boy, and the boy had this creature called a Gump living under his bed, no one is sure what a gump is except the boy. The boy didnt mind the Gump because in exchange for soggy Cheerios, the Gump did the boys home work. One night that boy heard a noise at 3:00 , it sounded like “GLUMMMPPPGLUMMMPPPP!!!” and the boy didnt know what it was. In the morning when he woke up, he asked the Gump waht the noise was, the gump said “I cant tell you cause your not a gump”. The boy didnt really care so he forgot about it and went to school.The next night a 3:00 he heard the same noise, this time he got really annoyed at this sound , so when he woke up he demanded that the Gump tell him what the noise was, he said “I CANT tell you, because your not a Gump”.

The boy got pissed off and decided that he would become a gump no matter what. So the boy asked the Gump what he had to do to become one, the Gump said “First you have to run around the world 3 times.” So the boy starte to run every where he went. Pretty soon he became the best runner in, his family,his neighborhood,his school,his county,his city,his state,his country, his continent,his hemishpere,and then THE WORLD.

So, the boy ran around the world 1 time, 2 times, and 3 times.

When he came back , he went to the Gump and said “Okay tell me now that I’m a gump”. “No Stupid, wicked major loser” te gump said, "your not a gump yet.“Next you have to swim around the world 4 times”. So the boy started to swim all the time, and soon he became the best swimmer in , his family,his neighborhood,his school,his county,the state,the country,the continent,the hemisphere,then, THE WORLD.

So the boy swam around the world 1,2,3, 4 times.

When he came back, he went to the gump and said “Okay, Tell me now that I’m a gump”. "No stupid, wicked major loser, your not a gump yet, next you have to hold your breath for 7 years.

So the boy starte3d hold his breath all the time, and he became the best breath holder in, his house, his nieghborhood,his school,the city, the stste, the country, the continent,the hemisphere, and THE WORLD.

So the bot held his breath for, 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7 years. Whe he came back, he went to the gump and said “okay tell me now that i’m a gump”
So the gump led the boy through a tiny door in the back of the boy’s closet, the door lead to a room with a table in it and on the table were 3 keys, one old, rusty key, one silver key, anda brand SPANKING new gold key.The boy grabbed the rusty key and went through the next door that lead to 237 flights of stairs, at the bottom of theses stairs was a chest, when the boy tried to unlock the chest, the key broke, so he went back up the 237 flights of stars and grabbed the silver key, when he tried to unlock the chest, the key broke. So the boy went back up the 237 flights of stairs and grabbed the brand SPANKING new gold key. When he tried to unlock the chest it opened and guess what was inside…I CANT TELL YOU CAUSE YOUR NOT A GUMP!!!

8

Here is my all-time favorite:

Two sausages were lying in a frying pan… one turns to the other and says “Hey, is it getting hot in here to you?”

The other says “Holy Shit it it’s a talking sausage!!!”

9

A grasshopper walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Hey we got a drink named after you!” Grasshopper says, “Oh yeah? You got a drink named Ted?”

10

Oh and:

What did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

The Captain’s log

11

I hope everyone has heard this… but for those who haven’t:
A guy walks into the bar with his dog…
Bartender: “you can’t bring a dog in here.”
Guy: “No my dog can talk!”
Bartender: Oh yeah, if you can prove it I’ll give you both a round on the house.
Guy: Alright boy, who was the greatest baseball player ever?
Dog: Roof!
Guy: See! He said Babe Ruth!
Bartender: Yeah right bud get out of here
Guy: No wait! Alright boy, what’s on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Guy: See! he said a roof!
Bartender: I said Get the Hell Outa Here!
They walk out of the bar and the dog says “What the fuck was that guys problem?!”

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Q: How do you know if it’s the blacksmith’s dog?

A: Kick him in the ass, and he makes a bolt for the door!

13

I read this on the back of a milk container and started laughing uncontrollably during class. No one else understood and they kept staring at me oddly.

Q: Where do you find Pokemon?

A: Wherever you put them!

Maybe you had to be there.

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Can a cowboy’s dog drive a truck?

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No, but the cat’ll drive!

–Nott, the confuser

15

A guy is driving in Alaska, and his car stops. He calls for the tow truck, has it towed to the garage, then goes to get a sandwich while the car is being worked on. When he comes back, the mechanic says “Looks like you blew a seal.” Guy looks down and says “No, I just spilled some mayonnaise on my pants.”

16

How are the starship Enterprise and toilet paper the same?

Thet both circle your uranus searching for klingons.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(I’m so sorry)

unclviny

17

A piece of string goes in a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says he does not serve string in his bar. The string goes outside, twists and unravels himself and goes back in the bar and askes for a drink. The bartender asks him if he was the string that was just in there. The string says “Nope, I’m afraid not.”

18

OK you Cheezeballs. Here’s my controbution.

Q.What has red har, big feet, and was raised in a test tube?
A.Bozo the Clone

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Q: What do you call a dancer with no legs?

A: Hank. That’s his name.

20

What did the hatrack say to the hat?

“You go on ahead without me.”