last time i tried to get this thread started people started talknig about noble gasses andthe hindenburg what i really wanted was all you dopers to tell me the storys of your most memorable farts, like the time you made a 80 year old nun pass out in the elevator from your ass gas. or the time you let one rip in an interview but still got the job because it turned on your pervertes boss? cmon lets hear em
Now THIS is a thread I can relate to!
Best fart story: Once, during a High School drama production, I was really ripping into this ultra-preppy valleygirl (the type who believes that individualism is overrated). I had just finished saying that she had no class, and she retorted by jumping off the stage (she was sitting on the edge of the stage) and saying that she had more class in her little finger than I did in my whole body (something like that), and right when she did, she let rip with a LOUD fart… high-pitched, squeaky, and heard all over the room. And it lasted for several seconds, at least. She shut her mouth and tried to act as if nothing had happened, but after a few moments, she ran out of the room. I just sat back, cracked my knuckles, and grinned.
I was so proud… finally, it wasn’t MY flatulence that everyone heard!
I once farted so horrifically, the shift keys were blown from my keyboard.
Thats nothing, Unc. Ive just cut a piece of cheese thats blown all ofem apostrophes out of the window!
Note to self… make sure when you go to see the tulips, a certain clog boy is on vacation. Lovely description to wake up to mdear.
My Dad went to high school with a fella named Fitzsimmons. They nicknamed him “Fartsimmons” because he could fart on command. They would just say “Fartsimmons” and point at him, and he’d let one rip.
Anyway, it turned out my undergrad ichthyology professor was this very Fitzsimmons. I went up to him after class and told him that my Dad and he had been friends in high school, and that I knew he had a peculiar nickname (I didn’t identify it precisely, however).
Without any prodding on my part, he looked at me and said in a conspiratory whisper “you know, I can still do it, too.”
Take an elevator to a point where I’m the last one in the car, and fart just before the doors open, so the next crowd of people enters the car and immediately start looking at each other.
It was 4th of July weekend and my friend Rebecca and I went downtown to watch the parade. We were sitting on the grass under a tree watching the parade go by and there were lots of people passing in front of us on the sidewalk. A group of 7-8 people was getting ready to pass in front of us and I cocked my ass towards Rebecca and let off the most horrendous fart! The group looked over at us and I looked at Rebecca and said, in a very disgusted voice, “Becca!” She got really embarrassed and everyone just stared at her.
Farting is fabulous.
I once farted for 17.52 seconds. Let me explain. I just bought a watch with a stop watch feature on it. On the way home from the store, something started to bubble inside me. By the time I got home, I was ready, if you know what I mean. I sat down, let 'er rip and started the watch. I did this cuz I knew there was something unnatural about to happen. For about 15 of the 17 seconds, it was a true fart.The last few seconds are just a blur to me because I’m sure I travelled through time, or left the planet or something.
And now the encore. You know those fibreglass benches in a Dairy Queen? I was waiting for my food and pushed out the loudest fart of my life. Of course the joint was packed.
Those freakin’ benches should be used a musical instruments or something…it amplified the noise to an epic level.
I left without getting my food…I fit under the door quite nicely thank you.
I was a teenager in both instances. I’m 36, but start talking about farts and I giggle like a school girl.
Fartingly yours, Graeme
I was on a first date with a girl about 8 years ago, and we had done the old standard “dinner and a movie” After dinner (mine was spinach lasagna, which I think may have had something to do with it) we were watching the movie, my arm around her, yada yada. I leifted my leg to adjust how I was sitting when it just slipped out. Luckily, it was quiet, but the smell was horrible! We’re talking dead chickens covered in horse shit sitting on top of a compost heap bad nasty smell here. I tried to ignore it, hoping it wasn’t as bad as I thought, but by the way she was crinkling her nose and sniffing at the air I could tell she noticed it.
So I did what any honorable man would do, I leaned over and whispered to her, “Jesus, do you smell that? That wasn’t you was it?”
These stories are too funny… people at work think I’m nuts because I keep laughing!
There was one time when I was over at my grandma and grandpa’s house and grandma was leaning up against the kitchen counter and she ripped a big ole fart! She looked at me and put her hand over her mouth and said, “Excuse me!” I was only like 8 or 9 years old so farting was really funny back then. I burst out laughing and had to leave the room because I couldn’t stop. It was soooo funny.
What’s really funny (at least to me) is when a dog at work has really bad gas. The other night one of my coworkers was holding a dog that was in because it had diarrhea. All of a sudden it let loose with a very loud fart. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to look at the dog. Even the dog seemed surprised–its head whipped around and it stared at its butt for several seconds, as if to say, “What the heck was that?!?” Things like that are even more amusing when it happens in front of the owner.
My grandma did that once IN CHURCH! My grandma was a very prim and proper lady so that made it even funnier. The look on her face was funnier yet.
Then she tried not to laugh. Now, when that happened I was about 5 or so, so of course I started laughing. My mom would glare at me and whisper through clenched teeth, “stop it!”, which of course made me laugh harder. I’d pretend to blow my nose but it didn’t work. Finally my mom pinched me on my leg but that made me laugh harder. If I calmed down I’d look at my grandma trying not to laugh and it’d start all over again.
And as years went by my grandma (of all people!) would bring it up. Everybody else would crack up but I’d bring up how I got in trouble for laughing. No sympathy for me…just laugh at how my prim and proper grandma farted in church.
now thats what i wanted to hear. grandmas farting are hilarious
Glad I could help. 
This past weekend, my friend, her hubby and kid were visiting us.
Hubby and Friend’s Hubby get toasted at our neighbor’s house while we’re feeding the kids dinner and putting them to bed. They come back to our house drunk and wet from the jacuzzi.
Friend’s Hubby: “Pull my finger.”
Friend: “NOOOO!!”
Me: Looking on with interest to see if Hubby is really that dumb.
Hubby: Pulls his finger.
Have you ever heard a beer fart through clenched wet butt cheeks?
It was almost musical.