My grandfather is 98, and has been living his twilight years with my uncle nearby. Last Saturday, he fell ill and had to go to the hospital. He was tested for COVID early on and it came up negative. My uncle, who visited him frequently, claims that this hospital isn’t taking coronavirus patients right now and that a physician’s assistant assured him that they were “completely safe.”
My grandfather is now out of the hospital as of today. His overall situation is a bit more complicated than I want to get into here, but he probably doesn’t have a long time left. How much exactly is completely unknown. He has hearing and vision difficulties that make it nearly to communicate from any kind of distance. He definitely won’t be wearing a mask, and my uncle may or may not be. (Note: my family in general is fairly liberal, so everyone’s been taking the viral threat seriously, especially since there are five small children in my uncle’s side of the family.)
My mom would like me to visit tomorrow. She says that her understanding is that my risk of getting anything is low if I wear a mask, even if my grandfather and uncle don’t, and they kind of need me to bring them something anyway. I feel a lot of pressure to go; if I refuse, I’ll have to justify myself quite a bit to both my mom and my uncle, who seem very confident that my risk is minimal.
Any thoughts or extra precautions anyone can suggest? This is still new to me, so talking it through is very useful. Thanks!
I would say to go because of the finality of what he’s going through. It will help him and it will make those around him feel better. You can do things to keep yourself safe. Look up how many cases are in his area to get an idea of what the risk might be. Chances are, a single visit to a couple of people is going to have a very low probability of transmission. Do things like keep your distance, wash your hands, and don’t touch your face. If the weather permits, keep a window open to ensure the maximum amount of fresh air is in the room. Also, take precautions that you don’t infect anyone. There’s always the chance you could have it, so you’ll want to keep your distance for that reason as well.
I personally would go as soon as I could, using normal well advertised precautions. I’m just 50ish though. With a 98 yo dad, can we assume you’re 70ish? I guess you could bring a party gift of face shields for everyone.
Eta: oops, it’s your grandpa. Just go and follow normal rules.
As much as is possible, limit the number of minutes you are in an indoor space. Duration of time exposed + the viral load present can determine likelihood of contagion. So, 2 half hour visits in a day, vs one one hour visit in a day may reduce risk (for all parties). Would your Uncle wear a mask if you asked? If you just walked in and handed him one without comment? Or said quietly, “please do this for me”?
Just to double-check to make sure I understand this situation correctly: Your mother and your uncle are your grandfather’s children, correct? And they are going to see their father while he’s dying, no matter what you do, and they both very much want you to be there also? And your main worry is not that you may have been exposed and might end up giving the virus to them, but that you might contract it yourself?
Unless there is some relevant information that isn’t in your OP (e.g., you work in a nursing home, or you currently have Covid-like symptoms), this shouldn’t even be a dilemma. Of course you should go. You should go for your mom’s sake even if your grandfather isn’t very alert or lucid. I know we’ve been told for months that we have the responsibility to slow the spread, but being with family when they’re dying or grieving is also important, and you do have the option of self-isolating afterwards.
You have some small irrelevant details wrong, but you’re overall correct. I forgot to mention that I had a dentist’s appointment on Monday, my first in a long time, and that was a factor in my concern; if I got it tomorrow, could I spread it to others through the dentist. I was also thinking about all the stories about not being able to go to funerals, and was wondering if this was basically the same thing. (Yes, I know the differences, but I wasn’t sure if they were enough.)
Seems the advice is pretty overwhelming on one side of the board, so I’m almost certainly going at this point.
So glad we were able to give useful feedback. FFIW, I would go if it were me.
I have a mantra I find useful when I am up against situations like yours: “it is easier to get forgiveness than permission”.** Go, visit for 30-45 minutes, then go for a long walk outside in the fresh air, go for a drive, whatever, telling them you will be back. Come back, visit for 30-45 minutes, absent yourself outside again, telling them you will be back in an hour for dinner. Come back, if you must, for dinner, eating outside on a deck, porch or patio if all possible (the moving air vastly reduces potential contagion, so length of time spent for the meal outside matters less). Eating inside is far more concerning because by definition people can’t wear masks and eat, so more risk for all. I know this sounds awkward, but it can work. They will forgive you for structuring your visit differently than they wished for, what they will remember is that you came and spent a total of hours with them. I doubt they would drag you back inside when you leave to take those ‘fresh air breaks’.
** Grace Hopper. It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission . Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper (9 December 1906 – 1 January 1992) was a U.S. Naval officer, and an early computer programmer.
Not sure what the concern was about your dentist appt but what my latest readings say is that there hasn’t yet been a case documented where a patient caught COVID though a dentist visit (provided you do the usual, wear your mask inside, distance in the waiting room, etc.), so you won’t risk taking the virus to your family from keeping that appt. Both directions, you to the dentist, dentist to you, the risk is so very, very low because dentists have for years practiced scrupulous pathogen protection-they are professionals and are about as good as it gets. Rest easy there. If at any point you become worried that enough precautions aren’t being followed, you are well within your rights to end the appt and leave. That is what I would do (nurse here).
How worried are you for getting this yourself? How about the people you regularly have immediate contact with? Are you old and have comorbidities? If not the chances of you dying even if you got it are pretty low. Do you live with anybody old with comorbidities? If no to both, I’d go. Small children almost never get very sick with it.
But maybe see if you can pick up a KN95 mask somewhere first if you’re really that worried. I got some yesterday at a local grocery store. They’re not as good as N95 but better than a surgical mask (for YOUR protection).
Anyway, looks based of the posting date that this possibly already came and gone, but yeah, I’d go if it were me.
I guess I’m swimming against the tide here, but I get your concerns and think they’re justified. It’s not just a matter of your own vulnerability. It’s not even a matter of high-risk people you’re living with. It’s the circle beyond that.
Your mother, as progressive and wise as she is, is incorrect: masks provide only modest protection to the wearer. In all probability you wouldn’t catch the virus from the visit, but it’s not beyond the realm of possibility.
That said, I think you should go, but you should make it clear to your mother and uncle you’ll be socially distancing and wearing a mask. Seeing your grandfather for what’s probably the last time is very important both for you and for him, but you’re an adult and entitled to take the steps you deem necessary to ensure your safety and that of others.