Last week, I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been turning over in my head for days whether I was going to post this or not. There are people on this board who know me who maybe I didn’t want to know this happened. But today I realized that I wasn’t going to go on here posting like nothing had happened and I needed to speak up, and maybe then at least one thing would be going right. I also know at least two other Dopers know about what happened, and I’d rather be the one to say something on my own behalf. And maybe if I say something here and convince just one person to try to get help when they need it, then any embarrassment or problems I might get from posting this will be worth it.

I’m not going to go into the details of what happened last week. Not all of that is important now. I’ve had a lot of long-term issues that all came to a head, and it happened. My recent medical problems didn’t help. I am trying to keep those under control, but to be honest when you have a migraine headache every single day for a month with almost no respite, then after finally getting some relief the headaches come back twice as bad you lose it. My blood pressure went haywire. When I was admitted on Sunday I was at 181/125–the paramedic had to take it twice because he thought he did something wrong. It’s better but it’s still higher than it’s ever been in my life previously.

Hospital wasn’t fun. They had to make sure I wasn’t going to have a heart attack or stroke first, then I went into residency. I didn’t get much help there other than drugs. All I can really say about it is I needed empty time to clear, and I got as much of that as I could handle.

I’m concerned about my short-term future. All of the problems I had that led up to it, I still have, and that’s not going to change any time soon. Trying to be a husband and a stepdad and an employee under all these circumstances isn’t easy, and to be honest I have made a complete hash of the first two since I got back. It’s not like I was doing that great a job of those before. I suppose a consolation is that none of my friends are going to leave me over this; I don’t have any to lose.

I wish I could hit the pause button but I can’t. I am getting some help, but even I realize it’s not enough. I feel like I was just kicked back out with the instructions “please try to be OK now.” The hospital screwed up even the extremely meager aftercare they left me with. They sent me to a chemical-dependence counselor instead of a mental-health counselor. I could walk away tomorrow and they would not notice…nor, I’m afraid, would too many other people. I feel like a man asked to drive down the street blindfolded; then, after an inevitable crash, patched up only enough to be given the wheel again blindfolded. You wouldn’t bet against another crash.

I wish I had more optimism to report, but I can’t put a positive spin on things now. Things are grim and will continue to be so for a while. Yes, I am trying to do the right things, but a lot of things out of my control will have to lift before there will be a break in the clouds.

Despite all that, I do want to encourage anyone who is struggling like me to get help. When I can think of it I realize I don’t want to leave my stepkids with this legacy, and I don’t want my wife tygre to be alone. Even if I can’t see it now I know there has to be a way out of this. I just hope I can find it soon.

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You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

3

Very glad you are still here! Not sure I can help other than offer generic support.

Maybe you and Statsman1982 should talk.

Here is his recent thread here on the SDMB:

4

It’s hard to know what to say. But you should know that you’re not alone, even when you feel like you are. All it takes is to reach out. I hope that you’re feeling better soon.

5

I think it’s pretty damn awesome of you to post this, and to encourage others to seek help when they need it, even if you didn’t get the best care yourself.

Would it be helpful or annoying if we posted suggestions, resources, brainstormed ideas, etc.?

6

For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re still around. A fellow depression and migraine sufferer understands some of where you’re coming from.

7

I’m sorry for the suffering you have been through. I hope that you will hang in there, and that something can be done to help your migraines.

8

I’m glad you posted. We’d miss you if something happened. I know it seems really shitty and unfair when you are suffering to have to work to find the help you need, but do whatever you can to do that. Ask your wife to help too. And keep us posted. We’re here and we DO care.

9

It was very brave to post this. Hang in there.

10

Another chronic migraine sufferer and major depressive here to say, “I understand.” I’m glad you’re still here.

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That was a very courageous post, Duke.
I’m glad you’re seeking help. I’ve known people who checked themselves into psychiatric hospitals…in fact, I’m related to some. It was a struggle, but they are doing well finally.

There’s a thread out there about things you’ve learned from the Dope. If I’ve learned one thing on here, it’s that SDMB is a family.

Thinking good thoughts for you…

-D/a

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I am very glad you are still here! I’ve struggled with depression in my life also. Life can get better. You’ve proven you’ve got guts by posting this. Work with that, and stick around!

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I’m sorry things got that bad for you. I’m glad you posted and I’m glad you are still here. Migraines + depression + all the rest of life is a lot to handle. You are very brave to post about it.

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In a lot of ways, they’re better than my own family.

Don’t tell my own family I said that.

15

Another chronic depressive checking in. I am also glad you didn’t check out. Keep on keepin’ on like they used to say in the seventies.

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WTF is a suicide attempt?

You’re a Doper. You have internet access, and likely some ability to operate a search engine. If you’d been serious about killing yourself, you’re smart enough to figure out how to do it right.

This tells me that you do not truly want to die. If you did, you’d be dead already. Since you aren’t, you obviously want to live at some level…perhaps subconciously…but it’s there. And frankly, that’s all that matters.

You don’t want to die. You aren’t going to kill yourself. This leaves the problems of whatever it was that sparked this incident. You say you need counseling, or other mental health treatment. Fine. Nothing wrong with that, but you are the one that has to make that happen. There are resources available, but they aren’t going to come looking for you. You have to go find out what they are, where the are, and do whatever it takes to sign up.

Let this incident be a life changing event for you. In a way, you’ve already hit rock bottom. You made some attempt to fucking die. You got better. That’s the first step. The next is locating a source of treatment/assistance. The one after that is committing to treatment, and the one after that is sticking to it. There’s probably eleventy-jillion steps after that. Some of them will be hard. Real hard.

TANSTAAFL.

And don’t give up. You can’t. You’re a man with a wife and kids to support. When things get tough, and you really don’t feel like keeping on for yourself, then man up and do it for the wife and kids. You owe them that much.

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Yikes! That’s some scary blood pressure. I hope it continues to come down.

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Goes for me, too, Duke.

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This has to be one of the most insensitive posts I’ve ever read here. “Man up”?? You clearly have no clue about depression and how it affects even the most mundane things, like even getting out of bed. Man up? WTF?

Duke, you’ve “manned up” enough just by coming forward with your story. I’m wishing you strength and support in crossing your hurdles.

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best of luck, Duke. I’ve been there.