AP-Paris, France. 7-08-04
In a remarkable turn of events, Lance Armstrong, backed by members of the USPS, has inexplicably and successfully invaded France.
Early accounts of the event are reporting that Lance veered off course during the 6TH leg of the Tour De France and began pedaling towards the Capital Building in Downtown Paris. Reports reported that Lance, supported by his USPS support vehicles then continued right on up the steps of the Capital, past the tightly dressed guards stationed near the front entrance, and directly into the quarters of the napping Chirac. No gunshots were heard and very little blood loss was reported. Two guards of the guards on duty near the Capital Building bumped heads when they tried to take cover and bloodied their noses. When asked later at the hospital what had happened the guards threw up their hands and proclaimed with a nasally French accent, “Vee don’t know vhat to sink. All dis happened zo vast dat der vas notting vee could do. Lance haz very strong arms you know!!”
Later reports did indeed confirm that Lance strong-armed his way past the guards.
The 11th successful invasion of France was the first by a natural born citizen of the US.
A spokesperson for the Pentagon said that the area code and the exchange for the Capital Building in Paris was not immediately known. The last logged call from the US to a French leader was back in ’47. “We will look into getting that updated.”
A Whitehouse representative denied reports that France would become the 51st state.
“…The President isn’t as stupid as he looks.” Indirectly supporting speculation that France would swing the election in Kerrys’ favor.
When asked what he thought about France becoming the 51st State Kerry responded, “We`ve already filed the necessary petitions and we’ve got NATO, UN, and most of Western Europes’ support. We’ll try to ram this through congress in the next 72 hours or so.”
Bush was not available for comment at his ranch in Texas. His staff has standing orders not to disturb him for four days starting on the 7th, “No matter what!!” When asked if the Presidents standing orders should be broken to brief Mr. President on such delicate and pressing matters a spokesperson replied, “Probably not.”
Lance himself could not be reached for comment but his brother, who received a call shortly after the invasion, did talk to him, “Lance called me on his cell phone from his new office in France. I asked him what the hell he was thinking by invading France like that and all he said was ‘This took years of planning, but it has finally paid off, - Think about it, Lance…France, Lance…France, Lance…France.’ And then he mumbled something about getting back to the race or something.”
A spokesperson for the USPS, who only identified himself as Cliffy, said, “The United Postal Service has been, you know, trying to get, ah, get a larger share of the European market for some time now. That darned acronymally similar competitor of ours has been handing our ass to us for ever over there….maybe now I can get a job in France and meet some nice smelling French women.”
Late reports have Lance still winning the 6th leg by 1 minute 37 seconds even though he took a lengthy detour through Paris, which was 600 miles off the race course.
The name of the race has been officially changed to ‘Lances Tour of Lots of France’, which has a nice ring to it.
U.S.