Bee sting
Threw the pin instead of the grenade.
Transporter accident.
Caught in a stampede in front of a department store the day after Thanksgiving.
“They made my foot into a what???”
The Fonz fails in his attempt to jump over the elephant on his motorcycle, killing both of them, thus coining a new internet phrase for tv series that end badly. [cough] Seinfield [cough]
Taunted Happy Fun Ball.
Exploded over the skies of Lakehurst, New Jersey: “Oh, the pachydermity!”
Struck in the head by a plummeting D. B. Cooper.
Walks into a spinning propeller during a fistfight with Indianna Jones.
Crushed by a house sized anvil dropped by a flying monkey named Sven on February 29th.
Now that’s un-fucking-likely.
Disgruntled former Postal Worker rampage.
Jabbed by AIDS-infected needle while looking for change in pay phone.
Went into the basement of the Blair Witch house.
Crossed Marsellus Wallace, just once.
Had a speaking role in “Reservior Dogs”.
Opened the seal on the ancient Egyptian tomb.
Chronic use of tobacco products
Marijuana Overdose.
Well-placed baseball to chest.
Had sex at Camp Crystal Lake.
Hitched a ride with James Dean.
Ate Raw Cookie Dough.
Picked at a scab.
Struck down by Vader, became more powerful than you can know.
Got an infection from an unsterilized telephone.
Took a shower at Bates Motel.
Wrote one memo too many.
Got onto an argument on the New York subway.
Had a run-in with a ‘technical’ in Mogadishu.
Couldn’t parse input.
Sunlight. Kites. And a dream.
Took both pills.
Tried out for Olympic sprinting.
Went up against the Bunnies.
Flamed out while test-piloting an experimental aircraft.
Elephants are very good pilots.
Spontaneous Pachyderm Combustion.
Stephen Hawking’s new Unified Field Theory has no allowance in it for elephants. They all cease to exist.
Coughed, sneezed & farted at the same time.
This is my new favorite.
Darn, somebody used an anvil. I was going to use one to celebrate my name change. Oh well …
Purchases too many clearance sale items from ACME.
Hacked to death by Mexican lancers while trying to escape the Battle of the Alamo.
Burnt to death in a film vault fire.
Was dealt the “dead man’s hand” at poker.
Paid a social visit to William Desmond Taylor at the worst time possible.
Got trapped in Death Valley with McTeague.
While saying “They couldn’t shoot Gen. John Sedgwick at this distance”.
Supported the losing side in the Allen-Benny Feud.
Papercut.