I can see if there were a bunch of other people who were told about this long before the OP was, but if not, then the friend just probably had a hard time talking about it with anyone. Let it go, and just be a friend going forward. If the other friend really has moved on and no longer feels the same way, then that’s something you can talk about.
I wouldn’t go as far as the “you poor baby” folks, but frankly I’m surprised that you find it surprising that someone considering a life event that will freak the fuck out of a lot of people wasn’t totally forthright about it.
A couple of things, Malleus, Incus, Stapes!:
I know it hurts and you feel like something huge has been kept from you. It can be really hard for people when a friend comes out to them. They view it as a secret that’s been kept and a major change. For the person coming out, though, this is their life. Your friend has been who he is his entire life.
It took him a long time to come to grips with that and take the steps he’s taking now, but he’s spent a lifetime keeping it bottled up inside. There’s fear about how people will react or about them, say, refusing to use his preferred pronouns. There’s shame for not fulfilling expectations. He has a lot more practice keeping it hidden–even from himself, most likely–than he does sharing it.
If this is truly a friend you care about, you need to find the empathy within yourself to understand that this is far harder on your friend than it could ever, ever be for you.
Secondly, what do you want? This probably sounds like a silly question, but consider it seriously. You have the choice between feeling self-righteously “right” and losing a friend or the choice to attempt to be understanding and to keep your friend. Which is more important to you?
If your hurt feelings really matter more to you than being there for a friend who is going through something absolutely life altering and terrifying, then you’re better off not being friends.
Could it be that he didn’t share this BECAUSE you and him are so close?
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but hear me out. And I’m not in any way trying to say a sex change is anything close to a haircut, but that’s what it’s about to sound like. Anyway, my very bestest friend in the world has always been my twin sister. Joined at the hip, practically. I cut my hair all off one day without giving her the merest hint about what I was planning. Mind you, we were living together at the time, in the close quarters of a tiny dorm room. She should have literally been able to read my mind, we were around each other that much. But I didn’t tell her a single thing. One day I had long hair and then the next, poof. Gone. We went from looking like identical twins to looking like strangers.
She didn’t talk to me or look at me straight for two days.
I totally understand why she was like this too. But in my mind, I didn’t want to hear anyone’s commentary about my plans, ESPECIALLY from the one person whose opinion I actually cared about it. I didn’t want her to make me second guess myself because she had that kind of sway on me. And I didn’t want her recommendations on how I should get it cut. I wanted to make the decision completely on my own, with only my own opinions and thoughts guiding me. It was my hair, after all. My whole life my hair had been the topic of discussion of other people, with me playing the clueless spectator. For once I wanted to claim my power over it and do the one that I’d been wanting to do for a very long time.
Sometimes when you make a big life-changing decision, you don’t want to take it to committee. You don’t feel like hearing everyone’s two cents. And EVERYONE always has two cents. You tell your family you’re moving to another state, and there’s a barrage of questions about your financial status, how you plan on getting their with all your stuff, where you’re going to live, etc. You tell someone you’re about unhappy about your gender, and people start bringing out old pictures of you smiling while wearing a dress, asking you to explain that. Or asking if you’re sure about having surgery over and over again. Even if you have all the details worked out and you feel prepared, you just don’t feel like being interrogated like this. And if you’re the slightest bit unsure, you may worry that all the endless explaining will make you waiver in your decision.
I’m guessing your friend knew keeping his secret from you might have devastating consequences on your relationship, but he was willing to risk losing you in order to avoid having his confidence shaken. You can fault him for being so insecure and sacrificing your feelings like that, and you are totally entitled to being pissed off. But if you care about him, I would just try to remember that he’s only human and what he has committed to is a major thing. He needs support through this; being all cold-shouldery will just confirm in his mind that he did the right thing by not including you in the discussion.
Also, he may not be a very emotional person. Talking about one’s gender unhappiness requires openness and being able to put complicated feelings into words. This is an extremely difficult thing to do for some people. So this is another reason why I would cut him some slack.
When one of my friends from school transitioned to a woman, she didn’t tell anyone. None of us that knew her since we were toddlers all the way through high school knew what she was going to do. Of course, she hadn’t spoken to any of us in a few years but still…it was pretty clear that she wanted to start fresh as Susan and leave Sam behind. All of her new friends and the people who were there for her transition were trans people - who better to help her? What the hell could any of us have added?
Once she finished her transition and was happy with herself, only then was she able to start getting close with the old gang again.
Give him time. He needs other trans folks right now…there is absolutely nothing you can do to help him through his transition. Other than just be cool.
But they were RAT BUDDIES. Do the rats count for nothing? Were the rats a LIE?
I find it’s the people I am closest to can be the hardest ones to share important things with. With my acquaintances, it’s all cheer and bluster. But with my truest friends, sharing parts of me feels very, very real. And there are parts of me that I’m not fully ready to understand in that way. Sometimes you need to go on these little journeys on your own, before you are ready to face the music with your friends.
I think you’ll find as time goes on that friendships grow apart and come together naturally. There are always things shared and things left unsaid with friends, and with time you become more comfortable and aware of these things and their purpose.
That’s the biggest steaming load of essentialist BS I’ve ever heard, and has almost nothing to do with how men and women (outside of wacky romantic comedies) operate. If the OPs friend is not sharing, it’s probably because the OPs friend is a private person about some things or has some hangup or something, not some cockeyed theory about what a man imagines a woman must think like. Sometimes a person can just be private about something without it having to turn into “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”
Lots of good posts, so far, but I’m going with the simplest.
Because this was extremely hard for her. To consider, to decide, to tell.
Not because of who you are, or aren’t, not because of what your relationship is or isn’t, but because it was very, very hard for her.
In short, her reasons have nothing to do with you. They are about her, as I’m sure you realize. You can choose to take it personally, or you can choose to simply be supportive. I think you’ll do the right thing, and believe you were just venting in your OP. You’re not wrong to feel those things, but it’s not ultimately about you, it’s about her.
You know, I think he honestly though he was in the clear by putting “maybe” in there. :rolleyes:
Ze’s just not that into you.
I can’t tell if you’re serious or not, but if you are… Are you serious? I’ll just start saying “maybe you’re a troll” in GD, and I’ve got a get out of jail free card! And, if you are really serious, why don’t you start an ATMB thread?
I’m pretty sure he’s not serious.
Maybe.
Oh, and recommended viewing for the OP: that episode of Family Guy with Quagmire where his dad comes back into town. I’m cereal!
I see what you did there.
I basically came in here to say this. Maybe it was easier for zir to tell people zie didn’t care about so much as a test, because if they freaked out, it wouldn’t hurt as much as telling the people zie *did *value and getting rejected.
Oooops.
The one where Brian vomits for, like, five minutes after finding out he had sex with a trans woman? Yeah, *that *would be helpful. That and that South Park Episode That Shall not Be Named.
Well, that’s not really the part I was focusing on to be honest. On second thought, maybe scratch my advice. I thought there were some decent parts about learning to accept change and also the whole “it’s so hard for me to accept your change; why didn’t you tell me?” thing, but yeah… it’s Family Guy.
There is almost *nothing *in pop culture that is helpful or useful . . . Maybe Jan Morris’ memoirs, Conundrum, which are about 40 years old by now.
Actually, I just completely forgot that rule. And he was being such a jerk, I forgot he was a mod. Oh, well.