Legit Sequential Thread: Write a blurb story based on headline in the Headline Thread

In the ‘Headlines We’d Like to See’ thread, there are some great headlines that leave me wondering what the short news story would read like.


Take a headline and spit out a short news story. A modest block/paragraph, a la Onion News in Brief.

Rush Limbaugh elected as new Pope.

Newly elected Rush Limbaugh for the position of Pope, is refusing to change his name to “John” despite pressure from the Catholic community. But is considering the name “Sean” to continue on with the list of “Pauls” and wishes to be called Sean Paul, the 2nd. Friends say he wanted to be the 1st, but the name was already taken by an up and comming “wanna be” rapper from Kingston, Jamaica.

…that’s it.

Cubs Win World Series: Defeat Yankees in 4!

Our worst nightmare, Cubbie fans, has finally come true.

The Cubs ruined what has become one of the greatest pity parties in the history of sports. The beloved Cubs, known for being perrenial losers, have gone and ruined the last bit of fun that all Cubs fans enjoyed: The thrill of being the loser, of the being the underdog, of being the greatest fans because we stood by our losers game in and game out.

Now we stand by in envy of the Red Sox fans, who get to reap all the benefits of being the greatest losers in all of Baseball.

“They just had to go and ruin it all by winning, didn’t they?”, noted one fan. “We didn’t want to win! We were just kidding. Being a Cub fan means routing tirelessly for a bunch of losers, and loving it.”

Cubs fans did find comfort after reality had set in. There are plenty of Blackhawk tickets remaining. Let the new pity part begin.