Were any of you watching this one? The ads pitched this as a celebration of the art of Lego building, a quirky artform which could nonetheless produce magnificent works of great beauty and grandeur. Naturally, this was exactly the case, and for nine weeks we got to see a plethora of creative minds use their imaginations to bring colorful…
…yeah, as if. This is a reality show, remember? Which means that it’s morally mandated to have all of the following:
- The eternal ironclad god anuddah-wun-bi-da-dus. Meaning that winning an individual week means jumping jack squat, all that matters is not being the absolute worst, consistency means nothing, one off week at a bad moment can doom an otherwise good team, most of the contestants won’t even have time to get into a groove, and there is less entertainment each week. I’ve never seen anything in television that’s all bad and no good that freaking refuses to die.
- An awkward, clumsy, almost completely pointless “save” system.
- Judging that ranges from inconsistent to crackpot.
- Ham-handed editing which makes the contestants sound like whiny sad sacks forever on the verge of giving up, shrieking rageholics, aggravating punks, or smug snotballs.
- Ridiculous, forced, brain-dead whiplash-inducing monkey wrench “Twists!!”, which force the contestants to change what they’re building completely on the fly, thrown into nearly every competition.
- And of course, the real star or stars of the show who’s slightly more entertaining than waterboarding, which the show will obsess on with the monomaniacal passion of a yandere on stimulants.
I tried. For a while, anyway. I dimly remember some truly impressive works, but the whole production was so drenched in <<REALITY SHOW>> that I can’t describe them to you now. That’s why I never started a thread.
But since I did watch the whole season through, and since I feel compelled to say something…all right. Recap of the final episode, complete with time stamps (in minutes since this is a one hour program), just to give you all an idea.
Here we go.
Start - A glimpse of the “Fox Alternative Entertainment” logo (your guess is as good as mine), and the announcers breathlessly declares “The EPIC SEASON FINALE of Lego Masters”…oh yeah, all the :rolleyes:. Per usual custom, three teams were permitted to compete for the prize of $100,000, which is pretty meager as grand prizes go, but still a vast fortune compared to what 2nd and 3rd get. (Notice how no credible sports organization in the world has ever adopted winner-take-all? Think there might be a reason for that?)
And of course, the first person we see is Will Arnett. My first exposure to him was The Lego Movie, in which he played an arrogant, self-absorbed, bigmouthed, embarrassing, pathetic, completely freaking useless, irritating as all freak-out Batman. Honest to gods, it sounded like he was doing a riff on Die Fledermaus, it was that painful. All of which I was apparently supposed to swallow in good humor since Batman was ironically a complete waste of plastic.
DKW’S GUIDE TO IRONY
- Take something that’s irritating as all freak-out, obnoxious, moronic, offensive, gross, mortifying, a serious health risk, or some combination of the preceding.
- Put signs, subtext, or other subtle indicators pointing to the fact that the thing is, in fact, irritating as all freak-out, obnoxious, moronic, offensive, gross, mortifying, a serious health risk, or some combination of the preceding.
- CHANGE NOTHING ELSE. Allow the disgsting thing to go utterly hog wild and flaunt its disgustingness all over the screen with zero effort by anyone to stop it or repercussions, ever.
- Now that you’ve done the comedic equivalent of dealing with a massive oil spill by putting up a a big sign that says “oil spill” pointing in its general direction, pat yourself on the back for a good half an hour, and be sure to get really butthurt whenever anyone claims that making something “ironic” doesn’t make it any less execrable.
For bonus points: Give a big anal-retentive explanation about how Alanis Morissette got it completely wrong! That never gets old!
Haaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. :smack:
I guess I shouldn’t complain about The Lego Movie too much, inasmuch as I only suffered through that Batman once, whereas I’d subjected myself (I think voluntarily somehow) to the man for 11 episodes of this show. I’ll get right to the point: he sucks. He has the charisma of an axe murderer and his comedic sensibilities are are about two steps below Bruce Tinsley. I’ve encountered my share of unpleasant reality TV personalities, but literally every single time he opens his mouth I dread what I’m going to hear. After suffering through two seasons of The Masked Singer, this is something I do not need in my life.
1 - Quick shots of the three opening teams, each of which has a specific role in this final day. Mark and Boone are The Studs. They have “grown the beard” in every sense of the phrase; despite running into some setbacks, they always come up with something impressive in the end, and they’ve handled the asinine “Twists!!” better than any other team. They’re cool, they’re in control, and they’re not fazed by anything. Sam and Jessica are The Team That Won’t Quit. They’ve had more than their share of bottom-twos, mainly due to indecision, bad cohesion, unworkable ideas, or simply taking too long to do things, and yet somehow they always do just enough to survive. They have plenty of confidence after their last build was well-received and are more than capable of pulling a worst-to-first. Tyler and Amy are The Chosen Ones, always seen lovey-dovey with each other, always getting the hero edits. They have never had a dumb or awkward moment this season (at least none that we’ve seen) and have phenomenal chemistry. They’ve also gotten consitently positive comments from the judges, Amy Corbett and Jamie Berard, and since the judges control everything, that bodes very well for their chances.
2 - Arnett announces that one team will take home the trophy, and I’m openly thinking that if the producers are so goddam cheap that they can’t even cough up more than a miserly hundred grand for prize money, at least have the decency to build second and third place trophies, for crying out loud. That thing doesn’t look all that complicated. And now he’s “joking” about the winner having to tip him 20%, and the extremely obvious question “Of what?” goes unasked. I’ve had high school teachers that were less useless than him.
Brief strategy bull session with the finallists. Nobody mentions the judges, which I find odd. They’re literally the ones who decide everything. Everything.
3 - Arnett bloviates a bit before announcing the challenge for the final…freestyle! For the first and last time, the contestants can build whatever they want, relying solely on past judges’ comments to determine if they’re going to like it. Yeah…this should be good. 
4 - The first part of the challenge is to make a small mock-up of what the build proper is going to be. “No pressure, but…there’s like a lot of pressure!” Yes, this is, in fact, his idea of a “joke”. :rolleyes:
5 - “You think like, oh, it’s a Lego building show, it’s just building Lego. But it’s not; there’s so much more to that. To be creative under pressure, that’s not easy.” Apparently he realized that he won’t have enough godawful “jokes” to last a whole episode, so he’s decided to borrow a page from Akbar Gbajabiamila. :rolleyes:
Rob and Jessica sound a tad overwhelmed.
6 - Ah, here it is, the first concept sketch showing what the team intends to build. Rob and Jessica are going with two animals, a peacock and monkey, representing beauty and…stealing beauty, I think. Judges think it has potential.
8 - A bit of recapping with Tyler and Amy before we get their concept sketch, “treasure of the griffin”. They’ve always swung for the fences, and a large winged beast defending a nest is going to test their skills to the limit. Corbett likes it because she’s pregnant. Berard reiterates that Lego is a kids’ toy, which I don’t remember being an issue in the previous 11 episodes.
10 - And Mark and Boone’s magnum Legopus will be “tower of creativity”, a tall, crowded building. They’ve had success with room-style builds in the past, which the judges waste no time dumping all over. "Originality! Originality! You gotta do something NNNNNEEEEEWWWWW!! Geez… :rolleyes: I don’t hate these judges, but I certainly don’t love them either, and moments like this are a key reason why.
12 - Judges ooh and ahh over past victories, plug the website, and then it’s one of those nonsensical Fox “fast breaks”, because all the later commercial breaks weren’t long enough.
14 - “Obviously we’re not going to crown anyone Lego Master based on a mock-up. That would be…so mocked up.” The contestants laugh a bit at this, which of course is only going to encourage the idiot in the future. :smack: The contestants have a full 24 hours to complete their ultimate build. Sam and Jessica are completely overwhelmed. Tyler promises to build something epic. I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned it before, but these contestants have next to nothing interesting to say that’s not about Lego. Given that the one thing reality TV provides an avenue to is more reality TV, this doesn’t sound like a smart move.
15 - Change of plans! After enduring the judges’ merciless dumping-on of their mock-up, Mark and Boone will instead be making "artopia’, an abandoned building converted into a highly…artistic tower! Hey, it’s a work in progress!
16 - Jessica: “I think we have some tough competition!” You don’t say? Why, you’d think that all the inferior contestants were removed somehow! :rolleyes: All right, how’s that peacock coming along…mmmm. Looking nice, and using plenty of nonstandard parts, which will earn them quite a few creativity points. If they can pull this off, they’re a definite contender for the prize.
Judges stop by and give some tips.
17 - Tyler has words with the judges. You can see how he made it this far: He has a brain in his head, ice in his veins, and steady hands. He speaks with a calm, focused cadence which let’s you know: I got this.
Now it’s Mark and Boone’s turn. This tower is a lot more asymmetrical than anything they’ve done in the past. Corbett likes this a lot better and gives some friendly tips.
18 - Development! Tyler’s griffin has an issue: The wings are two heavy for the motor and flapping completely out of rhythm. Tyler and Amy have never had a technical problem before! Will this spell disaster? (No.) (Seriously, it won’t, you’ll see.)
19 - Oh joy, it’s the best part of every episode, Will Arnett Announces Stupid Gamebreaking Bullcrap Going To Commercial! He reminds everyone that in nearly every previous episode, there was a “Twist!!” which utterly wrecked the flow of the contestant and resulted in lots of rushed, incomplete builds, which is exactly what you want in a show about an artform. :smack: We’re almost down to 13 hours left! Tyler goes “No!” as if anyone gives a crap about what he wants! The clock hits 13 hours. “Stop the clocks! Stop what you’re doing! I have an announcement!” Aaaaaand cut to commercial break #2. This means that either Arnett is about to toss in some game-wrecking bullcrap, or he’s just screwing with their heads. I have no idea which is worse, because they’re equally crap, so I’ll leave it to you to decide if there was an SDMB poll asking which was worse, which would “win”. Don’t everyone get up at once. :rolleyes::mad:
23 - And “screwing with their heads” is the “winner”! But there’s a pleasant surprise, he’s invited their families to the studio, meaning that…they get to be reunited one day earlier than expected. Totally worth it, am I right? :rolleyes::smack:
And we get to the mushy stuff, and I have to fast forward before I start puking.
27 - Tyler is still struggling with those damned griffin wings. 10 hours to go.
28 - Arnett helpfully reminds Mark that 24 hours is a long time, and I’m pretty sure he’s up to Lieutenant Colonel Obvious by now. :smack: He decides to take a break from the action, which is good, but the camera still freaking picks up what he’s saying, which is bad. Why yes, The Masked Singer also has revolting wastes of oxygen I can’t stand to listen to for more than ten seconds!
Tyler seems to have figured out the wings! Is it just me or is the show really obsessed with him tonight?
29 - Boone announces his ace in the hole, a TRANSFORMING building. Ooooohhhh…good luck, you’ll need it. Jessica complains about how haaaaard it is to make peacock feathers. Sam whines that “If we don’t get this peacock done, we’re screwed!” Pretty sure there’s a reason you were in the bottom two so many times, y’know? :rolleyes: Commercial break #3.
33 - 4 hours left! By the time everyone’s finished announcing this fact, it’ll be more like 3:57! :rolleyes: Mark moans how haaaaard it is to work for so long, and it truly is remarkable how enormously talented, highly motivated, energetic achievers whine so much. (But then I remember there’s me, so… ;)) Their tower frame is looking really nice, but they need to start populating it.
34 - Yeesh, if it weren’t for bad luck, Sam would have no luck at all. The peacock isn’t even finished, and he’s having major structural issues with the monkey; it just won’t stay together. Cue Bicker Edit!
35 - One hour left! Which means that Arnett gets to flash eye-searing red light and ring obnoxious klaxons! But only for a few seconds! Making it the one part of the show everyone hates! :smack:
Cue whole bunch of ridiculously obvious observations from all parties! I think battlefield promotions may be in order! :rolleyes:
36 - Endgame! Big scramble! Finishing touches! One minute to go! “Time’s up! Bricks down!”
37 - All right, time to see the fruits of their labors. First is Sam & Jessica with “Peacock & The Monkey”. It looks exquisite. It is by far the least blocky and monochromatic Lego build I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know what most of those parts are, but they worked. Beautifully done.
Next up is Mark and Boone’s “Artopia”. Damn, that is impressive work. The colors, the asymmetry, the scale, the moving parts, the detail on the interior, this is completely bursting with life. It’d be a perfect centerpiece display for any toy store.
And finally, Tyler and Amy with “Treasure of the Griffin”. Nobody’s done curves and angles better this season, and it shows. Once Tyler finally found a workaround for those wings, the rest fell into place, and the result is a truly magnificent work of art. Height, detail, color, tone, motion, scale, this piece does it all.
Wow. They’re all fantastic. I have no idea which team is going to win and which two are going to be callously rejected and sent home in tears knowing that all their time and hard work was wasted, WASTED, I tell you.
38 - The contestants acknowledge that the judges have a really tough task on their hands and don’t have any idea who’s going to win the grand prize and who’s going to win jumping jack zippo zilch nada bupkis dinkum nil null squat. Commercial break #4.
42 - The judges judge the masterpieces. Their comments are universally glowing; they don’t have a single unkind word for any of them. They make it clear they’re going to have a hell of a time deciding which one is worthy of the grand prize and which two are worth a big steaming pile of nothing, nothing, nothing, nooooothiiiiinggg.
47 - “Who’s it gonna be! You’ll find out…next season!” :smack: It kinda looks like Corbett tries to laugh at this but no sound comes out of mouth because it’s just too freaking impossible. Commercial break #5!
51 - Oh look, they’re doing that bring-the-eliminated-contestants-back-so-we-can-rub-it-in-their-faces thing, cool! :mad: Man, it’s gotta sting watching someone else take home $100,000 and the trophy and knowing they’re powerless to do anything about it. Their only consolation is that two others are going to walk away with the same colossal supernothing nothingburger or absolute nothingatory nothingmania nothingrama after expending vastly more time and effort! Take your “victories” wherever you can!
And the winner is…
…
Will Arnett, who got paid for a full season of spewing banal bullcrap that a high school dropout would find lazy! Honestly, is there a sweeter deal in the world than that? You don’t need to be smart, you don’t need to be industrious, you don’t need ANY SKILLS WHATSOEVER, you just blather and blab and bloviate and watch the paychecks roll in! And again the next season! And the season after that!
I just don’t know how these contestants put up with that…knowing that they have this wonderful talent which can produce works of great beauty, and every second of the show they’re completely under the thumb of this talent suck who couldn’t point a minifig in the right direction, who’ll make more money and have more fans than they could ever dream of.
And with that, I am, effective immediately, done with this show until it finds a bearable host. Not holding my breath, as these people have a staying power rivalling The Punisher. You know how long I’ve been waiting for Blake Shelton to wear out his welcome?
Yes, that is how I usually recap TV shows. I offer