Lesbian's partner is on her deathbed. Inform her estranged, homophobic, much-missed parents?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hypothetical, longish storytelling OP, blah blah blah.

Today’s story is about Frankie and Jonni’s, who, as everyone knows, are lovers. Less obviously, they’re both girls–or rather women, since they’re in their mid-30s. Having grown up next door to one another, they’ve been best friends since kindergarten and in love since twelfth grade. Their families had different reactions when they discovered the girls were making the beast with two backs. Frankie’s father, to whom she had never been close, was aghast and told her he needed time to think about how he would felt about her unnatural love. That lasted till he learned that Jonni’s father had shipped her off to a conversion therapy camp to be cured, and slapped Frankie for corrupting his daughter. Learning of that, Frankie’s dad thanked Jonni’s father for giving him perspective, broke the guy’s jaw for laying hands on Frankie, and begged Frankie’s forgiveness for being a jackhole.

Jonni wasn’t as lucky. Oh, the corrective “therapy” didn’t take; as soon as she got away from the brainwashing camp (and more importantly, out of her parents’ house and into a college dorm), she and Frankie took up again, and they’ve been together ever since. But where Frankie’s relationship with her family was ultimately strengthened by her coming out, Jonni’s relationship with hers never recovered. It’s been years since she saw her parents, as they never let up on their position that Teh Gay was Satan’s doing and she needed to accept both the will of God and a nice thick dick into her life if she wanted their love. As a girl, Jonni was much closer to her parents than Frankie was to hers, and their estrangement broke her heart. For years afterward she kept trying to reconcile with them, but to no avail. She has told Frankie on more than one occasion, and always tearfully, that her parents aren’t all bad; she desperately wants to make peace with them, and wishes their daughters could know their grandparents.

Okay, that’s background. Now to the meat of the story, which takes place in Alabama (where our heroines grew up) rather than in Mississippi (where they live, and are raising their kids–borne by Jonni though genetically Frankie’s). The ladies are on a trip to visit Frankie’s parents when they stop at the wrong diner for lunch–“wrong” because a crackhead comes in to rob the joint just as they’ve started eating. As often happens around crackheads, things go south, and Jonni gets shot several times. Naturally she’s taken to the ER. The doctors tell Frankie that there’s no realistic hope that Frankie will see morning. It’s good that Frankie and the girls are there; if Jonni has any other nearby family, the doctors say, Frankie should call them ASAP.

Which brings us to Frankie’s dilemma. Knowing her wife better than anyone else in the world does, she is morally and entirely certain that Jonni would want to see her parents in her final hour. But Frankie despises both those fuckers; they broke Jonni’s heart, which as far as Frankie is concerned is a felony. Moreover, it occurs to her that her union with Jonni isn’t legally recognized in this state.

Jonni is unconscious; the doctors say she may or may not awake before the end. What should Frankie do?

2

You mix up the names at least once: “The doctors tell Frankie that there’s no realistic hope that Frankie will see morning.” – to be clear, it’s Jonni that was shot, and Frankie that’s bereaved.

The right thing to do (based on the story) is for Frankie to call Jonni’s parents and tell them Jonni would like them to be there at the end.

But it’s still her call. I wouldn’t presume to judge her for making a different decision, even if its based on selfish concerns.

3

Don’t make me throw this apple pie at you. It’s still hot.

Anyway, I wrote these things in one draft; all I knew about this one when I started was that the ladies were named after a song.

4

The fact that Jonni’s parents might be empowered to exclude Frankie from seeing Jonni weighs against telling them, in my view. Whatever Jonni’s views about her parents might be, I think she would want Frankie there at the end most of all.

5

Call them. If they won’t show up, don’t tell Jonni. Frankie may hate them, but she is not the star of this story; Jonni is.

I don’t understand how the legal stuff would work, though. not my state.

6

This is the deciding factor, in my opinion. If Frankie has a next-of-kin designation (that the hospital will honor) and there’s no possible way for Jonni’s parents to usurp her decision making authority, then I’d say call them. If there’s any possible way for them to interfere with Frankie’s role as Jonni’s wife, then they can find out about it later.

7

My first reaction was, these are her children’s grandparents, and they have a right to know.

Then I remembered that my wife & I moved three times in two years and didn’t tell her side of the family about it because we wanted to lose them.

Fuck those guys, they made their self-righteous bed, they can damn well grow old and die in it.

8

Same-sex marriage is prohibited by both Mississippi and Alabama, and Mississippi does not allow couples of the same gender to adopt jointly. I don’t KNOW what that means for Frankie’s rights re: her & Jonni’s kids (conceived from Frankie’s eggs, borne by Jonni through in vitro, as the OP stately obliquely), but I’d be nervous as hell about it if I were Frankie.

9

If Jonni hated her parents and wanted nothing more than to forget them, I wouldn’t tell them. But she doesn’t. Call them.

10

This. I’d also like to know if the state would permit Jonni’s parents to seize the kids, as well as whether they’d be inclined to try, just to make things difficult for Frankie.

I can see SCOTUS eventually seeing to it that Frankie prevails, but I wouldn’t want to make the kids go through that ordeal, barring utter necessity.

Until I know this is not an issue, I’m voting that Frankie can wait until she and her family are back in Mississippi before calling Jonni’s folks (and hoping that she can do so before they find out about the incident on WBRC ActioNews).

11

Why? So they can come and try to steal the kids? Fuck them and the putative horse they would ridein on.

12

On reading Post 8, I suggest that Frankie and the kids move to California post haste.

13

Under no circumstances should Frankie call Jonni’s parents. They made their choice years ago and clearly haven’t changed their position. Screw 'em. They turned their back then and don’t get the luxury of being with their daughter now. I suspect that if Jonni is as bad off as all that, she won’t know who is there but it is most important that Frankie and the kids have unlimited access, which might not happen with J’s parents in attendance.

I also wouldn’t want those grandparents to meet the grandkids and suddenly decide that, since their daughter was gone, they should get custody of the kids to get them away from that “sick” woman who had brainwashed their daughter for all those years.

Nope. Don’t make the call. Tell them after the funeral that their daughter is gone, then move and don’t leave a forwarding address.

14

WEre there not the fear about the children, then of course Frankie should call Jonni’s parents. Whatever their sins, we know Jonni would want them called, and they deserve a chance at redemption, even if they never offered one themselves. Everyone deserves a chance at redemption. And Jonni wants to see them.

The legal matter of the children, however, complicates this. Frankie’s most holy duty is to her children, not her wife. Risking her children’s welfare is a serious business and I would need to know more about the law to say what she should do.

15

The legality of their children hadn’t factored into my post. Thinking about it, yeah, if I were Frankie, I’d wait until I was back in a more liberal state to tell the parents. Sucks for them, but that’s what you get.

16

The legality issue might change my answer too. If there’s any possibility (even small) that she loses the kids (even just temporarily) or bereaved/survivor’s rights, then she should not tell them.

17

Religious people should understand the phrase, “You reap what you sow.”

I agree with jayrey, RickJay, Octarine, and anyone I missed, that the grandparents should NOT be told about Frankie because of legalities with the children. The last thing those kids need is some religious lunatic grandparents coming in and possibly trying to take them away from mom, while their other mom is dying.

18

For some reason, the kids didn’t register with me as a potential issue. I’ll revise my answer to “no word to the parents until Frankie has officially adopted the kids.”

19

You take care of your kids first.

That means not introducing them to their hateful grandparents.

20
  1. People deserve a second chance to forgive, particularly when someone is dying.
  2. The children are an issue, but, I hope, Frankie already knows way more about the legal issues regarding unmarried lesbians bearing their partner’s fertilized eggs in Mississippi or Alabama than I ever will, so can determine whether there really is anything to worry about.

Worst case, call the parents but don’t tell them where you are or mention the kids, right? They can talk but not visit.