In This Thread the debate is raging over what is and is not sexist, but it reminded me of a situation that I had once, and I have a question.
A few months ago I ran into an ex-coworker, whom I had not seen in about two years, at the grocery store. She is a very attractive woman, and we had always been good friends, as had her husband and I.
Anyway, as we were chatting, my gaze fell to her shoulder, and I remember thinking, “Wow, she’s much smaller, shorter, and generally more petite than I remember her being.”, and then my eyes drifted to the rest of her person, to confirm my original suspicion. When I resumed eye contact with her, she had a look of amazement and horror on her face, and I realized that I had just given her “the once over” with my eyes.
My intent was not to “check her out”, at least, not in a sexual way, but clearly she had thought that was what I was doing.
Now to the question. In the opinion of the women on the board, is there any way I could have salvaged that situation?
When I realized what I had done, I quickly ended the converstion, and finished my shopping. I had been happy to see her again, and I had thought that it would have been nice to resume the friendship. I still beat myself up about this situation often, and I wish I could have thought of something to say to mend the damage I’d done.
You know her better than I do, but not knowing her, I’d suggest something along the lines of, “Gee, it’s nice seeing you again” or “I never realized what a petit person you are.”
I thought of something like that, but I didn’t want her to think that I had thought that she was fat before. I’d already offended her once.
and
Since my thread was inspired by the other, I thought it added continuity. I also was hoping to attract the attention of some of the women who posted on the other thread. I know that I offended her just as jodi and others are offended. My question is, if I screw up, is there any chance of redemption?
Well, it seems to me you had two choices: Admit the scope and apologize, explaining it was inadvertent, you were just struck by how incredibly ravishing her blinding beauty was, but that nevertheless it won’t happen again. Or . . . say nothing (though hopefully blushing bashfully) and never doing it again.
I imagine that which of these you would choose would depend on just how offended she seemed. If she was outraged, a hurried apology was probably in order. If not, let it slide.
Contrary to how my position has construed in the other thread, and despite my repeated denials, the flick doesn’t really offend me. On the scale of outrageous social faux pas, it rates about a 1.5. All I do is make a little note in my mental rolodex to indicate that the guy is a flicker – an infintesimal downgrade in opinion, if you will, which the guy won’t even know about. Sort of the same thing that happens if I notice any other IMO unattractive habit or characteristic – chews with mouth open; digs in ear with finger.
The problem you have is that you don’t know whether to simply stop digging in your ear with your finger, or to apologize and therefore draw attention to the fact you were digging in your ear with your finger in the first place. As I’ve said, which you do would seem to me to depend on how offended you think she was. If she didn’t say anything, then probably neither would I. But if I gathered she didn’t like it, I’d try not to do it again.