Well, don’t really have much to rant about (thank goodness), mainly because the things that used to drive me nuts have either been toned down somewhat or I have more control over. I currently share an office space with a recent hire who’s not at all fanatical about The Reason For The Season, so she’s cool with me picking the radio station, of which several cannot play seasonal glurge 24/7 (what would I do without alternative?). I don’t need to shop for presents (only two people I would be shopping for, and they’re the most colossal ingrates on the planet, so the hell with them), I don’t spend a lot of time in the mall, and I don’t have children. Or crazy relatives.
Nonetheless, I’ve never enjoyed the holiday experience, and it finally dawned on me why: This is the most joyless time of the year no matter what. Every December is something to be endured and then forgotten ASAP.
Think about it:
Religious nutcases free to get their Jesus freak on without the slightest disapproval.
The most glurgy, treacly, insipid, nauseating, sappy, soppy, gooey, sickly-sweet music EVER WRITTEN. And it never changes! Am I the only one who feels really weird about one horse open sleighs, jingly-jangly bells, or making any freakin’ holiday whatsoever “gay” in 2009? And what isn’t treacly is incredibly tired and unfunny (Grandma GROBR), overrepetitive garbage (Feliz Navidad), an insult to the word “rock” (Jingle Bell Rock), or an insult, period (that abominable version of Pachelbel’s Canon that says “God” about 5,000 times). I’ll say it first: It all sucks! All bad, no good!*
Even worse traffic than usual and mall parking lots that you can cirlce around past closing time and not find a space.
Not being able to turn on the TV ever, at all, without getting super-concentrated glurge or consumerist hysteria thrown in your face. Nowadays, a lot of times I don’t even see the point of turning on TV, but Christmas just makes it a stone cold lead pipe lock.
Obligations. Oh lord. Even if you’re a single, childless, essentially agnostic freethinker (like me), there’s no avoiding these. I should consider myself lucky…all I got are overemotional coworkers and loaded prayers (plus catching a few minutes of December Brain Mush Top 40 when I have to go to the copier or paper shredder). I can’t even imagine dealing with what some of you guys have to do. But seriously, a holiday where you’re forced to do all kinds of tedious crap you can’t stand? Really?
The endless arglebargle over “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” and having to hear about it. Honestly, is Easter ever this neurotic?
And of course, those numbnuts who fire off those hellspawn “gunshot” firecrackers…you know, the ones that are absolutely silent for the first few seconds, then POW!!! half the city is treated to 300-decibel crack. This started over a month ago. I honestly expect someone to get hearing loss from this someday. Completely freaking crazy.
Where’s the cheer I’m supposed to be feeling? Where’s the joy of the season? Where’s the spirit? If you expect me to feel hope and love and optimism at this time of year, give me a goddam reason!
Ah well. At least December weather is nice in Hawaii.
Except for, y’know, the ones that aren’t actually Christmas songs (the real Pachelbel’s Canon, Baby It’s Cold Outside) or are amazingly imaginative and heartfelt and never never ever get played anywhere (A Spaceman Came Travelling).
The Gap’s “How cute are these boots? How cute are these boots?” commercial may be the worst of the season. Humbert Humbert probably likes it, but for everyone else it’s an irritating display of wannabe child stars and an ear worm that will eat your brain.
Hey, my favorite DJ did that once: played nothing but songs mentioning “cold” or “snow” one afternoon in late July. The Powers That Be weren’t amused and gave him a couple days unpaid vacation (i.e., “suspended”… again; he got suspended once or twice a year but his was the program with the highest ratings).
This one almost would have worked…my grill almost melted down this year at Thanksgiving, when my family traditinally starts breaking out the Christmas decor. “Yeah, I was out tending to the the bird and sorting through the ornaments, and you won’t believe what happened…”
Commercials saying you should buy someone a car for Christmas (especially the one that shows two married couples, one woman getting a car and the other getting a food processor, and you can guess how much the one likes her food processor now). Hey, the worst recession in living history is tentatively over! Go crazy buying shit you can’t afford! And your husband will buy you shit you can’t afford if he knows what’s good for him! (This probably applies to jewellery commercials, too.)
It’s :checks: 24 degrees Fahrenheit and the dorm air system is still blowing. Cold fucking air. Despite me having put the fucking dial in the fucking “off” position.
In and around Fort Worth (which is called Cowtown for a reason), I frequently see cars and/or trucks with longhorn (cattle) horns on them. All year round. During December, some people put big red bows and/or wreaths on their vehicles. I can’t decide whether this is better or worse than dressing up one’s vehicle as Rudolf.
Oddly enough, I rather like some of the tricked out lowriders that I see around town. It’s not my culture, but some of those cars are really works of art.
Would that make Mary her own grandmother (and by extension, Joseph’s grandmother)? And if they’re all Jesus’s children, does that make them siblings? Is Mary simultaneously Joseph’s sister, wife, and grandmother? Are we certain Jesus didn’t grow up on a compound in Utah?
I’ll have to work through most of the holidays, probably both Christmas and New Years, all because of a friggin’ arbitrarily placed “program deliverables milestone closure”. I can finish my team’s damn milestone easily by next week, but management says we have to “show our presence” to support everyone else regardless
Listen, fuckers. I’m trying to make my new and improved Christmas CD. “O Holy Night” is possibly one of the most beautiful Christmas songs ever written. Just fucking sing it right. There’s no need to fancy it up, ok? I’d sing it my damn self if I could.
I’m with you there. The only thing I was looking forward to is the fact that my boss is out for the whole week. I was taking it off too. Then the project due at the end of January is now due the end of the year. And we changed our hours structure so we go October to September not calendar year. At least I will have a good first Q…
