Let us pool our minor annoyances to create a festering swamp

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve just been reminded of how much I hate ad.doubleclick.net. You click on a link, decide you want to return to the original page and click ‘back.’ Nothing happens immediately, but if you’re on dial-up you just think ‘oh, the net is really slow today.’ And wait. And wait.

Until it finally dawns on you to check the back history thing: yup, you are caught in the DoubleClick Tar Pit yet again. :mad:

Lifehacker is especially back about this – double click? Often there are four or even five layers of doubleclick keeping you glued to that page. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: (One frownie per layer!)

Okay, okay. You can jump over the double clicks and escape by doing the back history and clicking on the prior page there…but who does that by habit?

2

Why are you driving like that?

Oh, I see, you have an important cell phone call. That’s OK. The rest of us will just wait until you -

realize that the light changed.

speed up to within 20 miles of the speed limit

quit wandering across the lane markers

finsh lighting your cigarette with your free(?) hand

3

There is no fog. Turn off your freaking fog lights. They appear to be million-candlepower quartz-halogen driving lights. They’re brighter than your high beams. TURN THEM OFF!

4

This is directed at one particular salesguy at my company:

Dude, you know the orders go in the box. Stop fucking trying to hand them to me. They go in the box. They’ve always gone in the box. They always fucking will. When I tell you to put in the box, don’t repeat it as a question. You know why I don’t respond? Because I’m fucking ignoring you - you act like a five year old so I’ll treat you like one.

For that matter, stop walking in and saying ‘here’s some work for you’. Yeah, so I figured. Tiny hint, numbnuts: you’re not the only salesperson. I have other orders as well as printing. I’m more than capable of turning my head and noticing, hey! I’ve got stuff to do over there! Wow! :rolleyes:

And stop fucking ‘singing’ - no one likes it, no finds it amusing, EVERYONE has told you to stop. JUST. FUCKING. STOP.

5

Thanks, cat, for pulling down the living room curtains, rod and all, and peeing on them. I know you don’t like the new litter, but it’s only for a week, and only because the vet said I had to. Well, at least it wasn’t right on the carpet.

My rear view mirror is busted. I have it supported by an intricate web of string so that I can continue to see out the back when I’m driving. The new one I bought to replace it is no good - the glue won’t hold to the windshield. Left it to cure overnight, with packing tape to help hold it to the windshield, but when I hooked the mirror onto it in the morning, it smooooooshed its way slowly down the windshield. Not sure what to pit - the original mirror? The new one? The Maryland heat which is likely responsible for incapacitating the glue?

Just once, I’d like to celebrate an anniversary of some sort. But apparently dates and milestones aren’t that important. He’s wonderfully good to me, so I shouldn’t complain… but I enjoy recognizing the fact we’ve been together for X amount of time.

6

It’s still technically Summer, and I think I have frostbite. I got caught in the rain coming back from training. My lunch got cold and wet. My training materials are soaked. I’m moist straight through to my underwear.

Not too bad for me because it’s just a regular work week. But my ex is on a beach vacation. I’m betting she’s not on a beach right now. I hope she’s at least not sulking and pouting over her bad fortune.

7

About once a month I return a page from a client, and I hear this:

“The person you are calling does not accept calls from people who block their phone number. If you would like…”

Well guess what. You won’t get a call from me then. Fuck you, I don’t want you to have my phone number.

8

You have no problems. Your stupid fucking whining is driving me up the wall. You are over twenty, live at home, have no real bills, and you whine constantly about how hard your life is, because you can’t decide which party to go to this weekend, and you misplaced your cell phone charger. Oh, and you don’t know whether or not you should stay with your kleptomaniac girlfriend.

And you do this for hours. To people who are in debt, chronically ill, in the middle of divorce, dealing with parents’ deaths, or otherwise dealing with real problems. Which they don’t whine about.

Speaking of cells phones, if you don’t stop texting your friends all the time while you’re at work, I’m going to accidentally set fire to your damn phone. And then flush it.
Self-involved prima donna asshole.

9

Wouldn’t flushing it just make the fire go out? Seems like a waste of fire to me.

10

Dammit, boy…I’ve been telling you for years that if you’re not in your room (exceptions made for a trip to the kitchen or bathroom, when you’re coming right back) TURN OFF YOUR FREAKIN’ TELEVISION! It costs us money, and I swear that I’ve mentioned at least five hundred times, “Dude, you need to turn your t.v. off.” “Uh, buddy, I went in and turned off your t.v. for you.” “Hey guy, your t.v. is on, are you done in there?”
Your television is on about 15 hours a day, for chrissakes…when you’re asleep because you “have nightmares otherwise” (But not at your dad’s or grandparents…interesting), when you’re in your room doing other stuff, and when you’re out of your room. Okay, listen. I’ll give in on the times you’re in your room. Fine. You like having the t.v. on to keep you company? That’s cool. But if you’re not in there, the only one that’s getting any use out of it is the power company and your snake. Well, guess what? Your snake probably isn’t actually listening to The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy.
So turn the fucking thing off already!

11

I have one.

Mr. W, I don’t want to spend another hour talking to you about your invoice, really. I think the hour meeting we had last Monday, followed by the 30 minute conference call with you, my boss, and the software vendor provided you with enough detail to determine the breakdown of the charges. Yes, you have to pay it. Yes, you are running the software. Yes, you will run it again next year. Pay it! Stop putting meetings in my calendar to discuss this freaking invoice! Stop calling me about it! Pay it! Pay it! Pay it!

12

Man, so many:

Re: cars and headlights. If it’s dusk, dawn, foggy, or some rain TURN ON YOUR DAMN HEADLIGHTS! And parking lights don’t count! They have NO purpose anymore, yet people seem to think that they are the choice for dusk/dawn/fog/rain. Argh!

My body: You decide to become lactose intolerant why? I used to love ice cream…(seriously, I took two lactase supplement pills and I still had…umm…problems the next morning after just a small bowl.)

Roommate: TURN OFF THE LIGHTS! We do pay for that, you know. That also goes for the TV. In addition to paying when i’s on, it reduces it’s life. Oh, and clean up after yourself in the kitchen! And stop keeping that giant pile of dirty clothes next to the washer! Either clean them and put them back in your room, or don’t clean them and STILL put them back in your room.

Managers at work: I asked for my schedule to change when school started, yes, but I never said I wanted less hours! I still have all the same bills. More, actually, what with buying books, supplies, so forth. So I would still like getting the same paycheck. Oh, in addition, I asked months ago if I could train as a server and get out of the hellhole of a kitchen. I was told “sorry, we have too many servers as it is right now.” Then MANY of them quit or were fired, so I ask again, and then get told “oh, sorry, we can’t afford to lose any kitchen shifts, we’re understaffed in the kitchen.” So they hire a new line cook, AND everyone’s hours go down because I know corporate thinks we have too MANY hours* scheduled for the cooks, and what happens? Yup, a whole mess of new servers hired, and I don’t even get asked if I am still interested. This, despite the fact that several of the servers tell me that I should be a server, because I get along with everybody, don’t look cruddy like some other line cooks, and so forth.

*I don’t care what the fuck the corporate office thinks is the right amount of line cooks to have on a given night, WE know how many we need, and it sucks ass being down by a cook on a busy night.

13

Yes, but it will still be fun to flush it after it’s smoldered for a while.

I really hate people who act like they’re bleeding to death if they’re separated from their cell phones for five hours. It’s like watching babies who can’t stand to be separated from security blankets, except the babies are over twenty.

14

Daytime t.v. sucks. Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy… If you weren’t sick already, you’d be ready to hurl by the end of the day.

Personally, I think it’s a part of a huge right wing conspiracy to force all the deadbeats to get a job. “Put the crappiest programming on so that people would rather sort green beans than watch t.v.”

Problem is, all the dead beats are *starring * in the daytime programs.

15

ON a whim, I picked up a bag of Chex Mix while grocery shopping because it looked really good - it’s an Apple Cinnamon blend with walnuts, dehydrated apple slices, cranberries, etc. mixed in.

And it’s delicious - except that in addition to all of the aforementioned, everything in the bag is coated in a dusty layer of sugar. Just pure sugar, and nothing but. It’s like someone took a cup of sugar and just poured it into the bag over top of the already perfectly delicious mix of components.

I understand that we live in an increasingly infantilized adult baby culture where everything has to be SWEET SWEET SWEET and formerly normal foods have to be turned into candy before people will consume them, but this is really just over the line. I’m now expecting to order a steak sometime and find that it comes covered in caramel sauce. “WHY NOT? BABY WANT SWEET-SWEET!”

16

Fucking stupid politicians. I hope you all die. Perhaps a meteor will fall on the next Fucking Stupid Politicians Convention.

17

My head- stop pounding, please. I know I’m partially to blame because of the 2 glasses of wine I had between 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. this morning and then waking up at 6:30, but I only had them because of my…

Fucking insomnia. Will you let me get back on a normal sleep schedule? I was doing so well for about 9 months there, then you showed up again. I’ve been suffering with you for 13 years now, and I think it’s time we went our separate ways. Permanently. Whadda ya say?

Websites (like Amazon, occasionally) that show a picture of the merchandise with “Click to enlarge” beneath it, and when you click, a full size window opens up but the motherfucking picture is still the size of a postage stamp, and now it looks even smaller than the original since it’s surrounded by all that white space. Oh, that’s much better. Now I can really see all the intricate detail of the item I’m about to buy. Cocksuckers.

18

There is a girl that works in our call center and she is glued to her phone.

When she shows up to work she is talking on the phone. As she walks into work she is talking on her phone. Every break and lunch time she is talking on her phone.

At least she is outside and sits in her car for her breaks and lunch but damn. Can she not separate herself from that phone for eight hours? And who the hell is she talking to? There must be two of them and they just reside at different ends of the earth and can’t bare going more than a couple fucking hours without talking.

Also are building gets crappy cell phone reception so anyone that needs to use their cell phone must walk outside and wander around the parking lots like idiots.

There is not one fucking person in our office that does not have a phone on their desk. Why do they feel it is necessary to return a phone call on a cell that needs to be taken outside. Is it that personal? If so is it not something that can fucking wait? I can see it once in awhile but it is always the same people day after day.

19

Hey, dickfart neighbors-with-whom-we-share-a-wall: do your home improvement projects during the day, assholes. I know you can’t haul yourselves out of bed until 3 p.m., but that still leaves you with hours in the afternoon to nail down the shitty carpet scraps we’ve seen you dragging into your hellhole of a home. There’s no excuse to wait until 10 p.m. and then start pounding hammers in the room next to our bedroom!

I hate these people with every molecule in my body, and I’m angry that I’m driven to feel this way.

20

Listen, woman, you’re in your 40s. You are no longer a child. So sticking your tongue out at me when you’ve “bested” me does not crush me. Or impress me. It just makes me wonder about you.

I also don’t need for you to go off on long parenthetical tangents full of polysyllabic meanderings. Just say what you mean, then shut up. And cover your mouth when you cough. And quit giggling like an adolescent on speed. Cutesy-poo has no place in our place of employment.

Just do us all a favor and please quit. We’ll come to your farewell party, and promise not to snark till you’re gone.

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise you, bitch??