Gargle with Pine-Sol.
And it wasn’t even a real square!
Hyou! Mockeeng me, when eet ez perfectly clear zat moi cannot SEE ze hyphen of which you speak? Zey all look like dashes to me, darling. 
EXACTLY! 
I don’t know how I missed that.
Why do I suck so badly at Texas Hold 'Em? I would like to be a natural genius at poker, but mostly I suck. I only started playing last month, so I guess I can’t expect too much, but if there were a category for losing money the fastest, I suspect I would be head of the class in that.
I feel your pain.
I have enormous eyebrows. Huge Middle Eastern eyebrows. We’re talking woolybear caterpillars, here. Left to their own devices, my eyebrows would inform the world year-round that it was gonna be a long, hard winter. I keep waiting for them to spin cocoons on my face and then burst out, several months later, as gorgeous Luna moths. Only, of course, given my loonie brain–which they’d be right near–they couldn’t help but be Loony moths.
So I have to pluck them regularly and without mercy. But somehow, to me, they never quite look right. Feh. I leave them somewhat full, but I try my damndest to give them clear arches on the top and the bottom.
Well, when I leave mine unplucked (and I’m ashamed to say that, yes, I’ve done it) they work great for keeping sweat out of my eyes.
Oh, yeah.
And what’s with that smiley face thing on yahoo IM? He’s way too goddamn happy. He’s so happy that he just sits there all the time, with this wide open goofed-out idiot rictus. He looks like he’s either psychotic or on something strong. And what’s he got to be so happy about, anyway? He doesn’t even have a body. Or a nose. Or any lower teeth, for that matter. This constant mindless brash cheeriness is getting on my nerves.
There has to be something majorly wrong with the boiler in our building, because the heat has gone out literally every day for the past two weeks. We have a “no heat” number that we can call if this happens, but the man never answers the phone and I’m forced to leave the same message over and over. He eventually (within a day or so) comes and fixes it, only for it to crap out within a day. The result is that we end up with about 3 hours of working heat and 21 hours of freezing cold on any given day. Did I mention this is in Chicago in February?
The real kicker is the Landlord/Slumlord’s response when I demand that they pony up for a more permanent fix; “We’ll worry about how to handle it, since we cover the cost of heat.”
THAT’S MY FUCKING POINT, YOU NITWIT! WE HAVE NO HEAT! YOU’RE NOT COVERING THE COST OF IT IF WE DON’T FUCKING HAVE IT AND WE’RE FREEZING!
Ass hair.
This is really pretty heinous. What you’ve got isn’t a mini-rant; it’s a mega-rant. This situation screams “legal action time” to me. Can you take him to court?
I would suggest the usual tactic of you and the other suffering renters putting your rent in escrow, but you don’t want to wait around for a month to get results.
What the fuck’s up with the wiring in my apartment? I think flushing the toilet blew a fuse today.
Smeghead eats poo.
American Idol is showing here - who is telling these poor, deluded souls that they can sing? Even sitting with my back to it, I find it physically painful that these people are ‘singing’ so badly. Hasn’t anyone taken them aside, some friend or family member, and told them that they cannot sing, for their own good?
For Og’s sake, people, have some self-respect and don’t pollute the airwaves with more sonic crap!
My desk at work is at a T-intersection of two major walkways. People are always walking past. Stop drumming your goddamned fingers on my desk when you turn the corner! I’m going to put a mousetrap or a dirty plate there.
The literary technique of <Noun>? <Adjective>. “My dinner? It was good.” “I got in an accident. My car? Totaled.” “Me? Pointlessly pedantic.” Make a single coherent sentence already.
Dear UPS man: Hovering on my porch for ten seconds then sprinting back to your truck is not how you deliver a package. Yes, I called you back to give me my package, and yes, I noted your bad attitude. Don’t like your job? I know plenty of able-bodied people looking for work. Dillweed.
Dear Dishwasher: That is not clean. Don’t make me replace you!
Dear Cal-Mag-Zinc supplement: Why are you so big and why do you get caught in my throat? Dammit.
Dear Husband: Socks go in the hamper. Socks go in the hamper. 22 years, at least twice a week, I’ve had to remind you. Socks go in the @$!*# hamper!
Dear Dopers: If you say everything but the word “troll,” i.e. making snarky references to things “under a bridge” or something equally cutesy and nauseating, you’re still making a trolling accusation. Stop it!
22522=2288
Somebody is a slow learner - and it may not be your husband.
Is this a serious complaint, or were you just, um, trailing a long fishing line out of the back of the boat? 
Oh, where to start? I guess with Zebra, your rant cracked me up. That’s not a bad thing though.
I started writing out all the examples of this, but it got too long. So: fuck you, people on the coasts who think it’s funny to characterize Midwesterners as a bunch of stupid unsophisticated hayseeds. You’re just making yourself look like an idiot.
Shouldn’t this be "yourselves?"
Hayseed.
(i keed, i keed)
I pit Target’s obsession with bikinis in February (ok, well, March). We live in fucking MINNESOTA. Only the people who are lucky enough to be temporarily escaping to warmer climates for spring break (which would not be me, btw) are interested in bikinis. The rest of us are looking for winter hats to replace the ones our four year olds lost and footie long sleeve pajamas for our growing toddlers, and maybe a new sweater for ourselves to get through the rest of this scrotum sucking season. And what do I find when I go looking for these things at my local Target?
BIKINIS! Bikinis, short shorts, and sandals. AAAAArrrrggg.
I keep telling myself I better buy swimsuits, shorts, and sandals NOW because in August, when my toddler has outgrown her swimsuit, my five year old needs new tshirts for kindergarten, and I need a new pair of sandals, all they will have at Target will be snow suits, winter hats, and long sleeve footie pajamas.
again, I say AAArrrgggg!