Let's call the whole thing Off (warning. puns.)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As it happens, the CBC Radio news magazine show As It Happens has a correspondent named Carol Off.

If Carol Off had a baby, it would be a little Off. Also half Off. Or if you prefer, 50% Off.

If Carol Off had initiated sex with the baby’s father, she might have told him to fuck Off.

If you asked Carol Off what she did in her Off hours, she’d say, “Everything.”

If you somehow converted Carol Off into liquid form, drank her, and then emptied your bladder, she’d be pissed Off.

If you covered her with small check marks, she’d be ticked Off.

A Christmas singing contest would be a Carol-Off.

If accompanied by two or more octaves of chromatically tuned bells played from a keyboard, it would be a Carillon Carol-Off.

If CBC let Carol Off go, and WGBH-Boston put her on their afternoon news show, The World, then CBC changed their minds and asked for her back in the middle of a program, someone at CBC would call WGBH and say, “Stop The World, I want to get Off!”

If CBC put Carol Off back on the air without telling anybody her replacement had left, that would be pulling the Off switch.

If you booked Carol Off for a speaking engagament, and she canceled, but you found someone else to speak, only then had to cancel the entire event and reschedule at a later time when Carol was available, it would be on again, Off again.

If Carol Off ran for office, her campaign slogan could be, “Back Off!”

If you sprayed Carol Off with too much bug repellent, and then dabbed at her with a moist wipe or paper towel, you would be rubbing Off! off Off.

2

If Carol Off was appreciating “Carmina Burana”, then you’d have Carol Off getting off on Carl Orff.

3

If Carol Off named her male child John, he would be known as Jack Off.

4

If the janitor at the wax museum spilled his cleaning supplies on the Carol Off exhibit, he would get Wax On Wax Off.

5

Beat (so to speak) me to it.

6

If Carol Off visited Scotland and was fitted for the traditional garb, would the person dressing her be Off kilter?

7

I’ve never seen her. If I did, would I want to get Off?

8

The Off family gave a large endowment for a weird little campus of buildings.

The whole thing is Off Center.

9

If Carol Off was giving me some oral action and then stopped, it would be Off the top of my head.

If Carol Off jumped from a landmark SF hotel, she would be Off The Mark.

My college term paper on her was Off topic.

10

Off offered her honour
On honoured her offer
And so, all night long
It was honour and offer.

11

Carol went to work for the Vatican Radio Network, she’d be a Roman Off.

12

If she were a killer for hire, she’d report successful completions of her assignments with the code phrase, “I Offed him.”

13

If you did Carol anal, then you would bugger Off.

If Carol married Seth Rogan and he later achieved sainthood, he would be St. Rogan-Off.

If Carol had starred in Weekend at Bernies, then you could say Bernie made Off.

14

If Carol’s father were of mixed Scottish and Norwegian ancestry, he’d be her Off Da.

15

To use detergent to completely remove garbage from Carol’s clothes, you need to apply Off All to the offal.
These puns are Off-full.

16

Or, someone was having an all-night threesome with Carol and Ms. On. It was On again, Off again.

17

If Off invented a selzer-powered device that opens locks with hydaulic power, and it was purchased by a German munitons manufacterer, it would be an Off fizzer Krupp key.

18

No matter what show she was in, she never make it to Broadway. She can only do Off Broadway, or Off off-Broadway, or…

19

If you opted to name an Army post after Carol, that would be an Off Base decision.

If she were captured by cannibals, would there be a Bake Off event? And if some of the leftover flesh sat around in the sun for a few days, would someone who sampled the meat subsequently declare “This taste’s a bit Off”?

20

I opened the link and saw her photo. Does she ever have a face for radio!

I couldn’t close the page fast enough to get her Off my screen.