This is great! I admit that my kids do have way too many toys, and I go back and forth on whether I think it’s a problem or not. They have the whole basement, which we don’t need for anything else, and most of the space is taken up with books, craft supplies, and pretend stuff like a toy kitchen and dress up clothes. I like having those things available, but could do without the amount of little dolls and trucks and stuff that seems to accumulate. I try to purge regularly but mostly I ditch the really junky stuff or anything with batteries and let them keep the rest. My daughter started receiving a $2 allowance when she turned 5, and she spends it mainly on little toys at yard sales and flea markets (though she did recently save for 3 weeks to buy her grandmother a birthday gift, which I thought was very cool.)
Reading, heck yes! Helping with chores, absolutely! Trying new food, definitely! Hey, I am feeling semi on top of this parent business! Keep it coming!
Oh, and another confession - I once cheated at Candyland. Damn game is 100% luck, and my daughter was winning, every. Single. Time. I finally stacked the deck so she’d lose one.
I used to fuckin’ LOVE playing War (cards) as a kid. The game can go for hours though, so after an acceptable amount of time, Mom would start stacking the deck so one of us would win. I never noticed, ha ha ha. She told me about it when I was older, no harm done.
My four kids range in age from a 10 year old daughter to a 24 year old…man. (Good Lord.) Basically, my best advice would be: Don’t be afraid to parent. I see so many people who try to parent by being nice, by being a friend, or by manipulating kids emotionally. If you need to do those things, you’re not parenting effectively. I’m kind to my kids–I can probably count on one hand the times I’ve had to yell–but they also know that I’m in charge, and what I say goes. I’ve been a single parent off and on since my second son was born, and this was probably the one philosophy that made it possible.
Also, know your kids–really, really know them. For instance, my son’s school went to an online-only report cards system. (He was in 6th grade.) I saw the first report card, which was like pulling teeth when I requested a hard copy of it. After that, I told him, y’know, I trust you and care about your grades. It’s up to you to keep on top of your work, let me know if you need help, and stay informed about how your classes are going. I’m going to trust you to do your best. At the end of the year, he won an award for being on honor roll every grading period–all without Mom even seeing a report card. (I did check in with him periodically, of course.) My daughter, on the other hand, is still in “I must see your agenda/homework EVERY NIGHT or there will be consequences.” I have to check her backpack, talk to teachers, etc–she requires much more of a hands-on approach to schoolwork.
When my 2nd kid was 15, I also had two homeless teens living with us, necessitating a whole new set of rules. Everyone worked and paid for his/her car, insurance, and gas. Summers or after graduation, everyone worked full time or volunteered 30 hours/wk and paid a small amount (I think 20 bucks) per week toward household expenses. (If they volunteered, they were excused from the 20/wk.) Plus everyone had to help with household chores. Now, if I were in a better position financially perhaps I’d adjust the rules a bit–require them to put a portion of their money in savings or something–but we were barely making with 7 people in the household, so I had to keep that in mind.
And once they leave home (they do this a lot faster if you make them pay rent, btw), let them go. If they are making their way financially, decision-making is out of your hands. Keep offering your opinion, but don’t lose sleep over what they’re doing to screw up their lives–remember we did those things too and came out fairly well.
My two older boys are good, decent guys. Although neither of them did everything I would’ve hoped (college would have been nice), they’re independent, responsible, and mature. My oldest son is raising two small sons of his own as a single parent and seems to be doing an admirable job so far.
Good luck and enjoy. It goes really, really fast.
Just got slapped in the face with this one from my two older (teens) boys. While at home, it will be bare knuckles knock down kick em in the ribs duels to the death types of attitudes towards each other, until about a year or maybe two after one moves out (depending on the level of antaganistic feelings). Then they each start realizing the other wasn’t really that bad after all. You may or may not know about these attitudes fwiw
I don’t have kids, but when I was babysitting my 7 year old cousin, I let her pick out her own outfit for a family party. It was a totally mismatched outfit: army-print skirt, pink sequined shirt, tennis shoes, and knee socks. I thought it was cute, but more importantly it was what she wanted to wear. I think 7 is old enough to make that decision.
When we got to the party, I got some strange looks for “dressing her like that.” But I told people hey, she dressed herself. Who the hell cares? So I guess my advice is let your kid pick out their own outfits, but at the same time, don’t buy them something you don’t want them to pick out.
I was thinking about things my parents did right as well. One instance I am forever grateful for is that my mom never made a big deal of food. She made it, put it out, we ate what we wanted. There was never a rule about cleaning your plate, eating stuff you hated, etc. Never, ever a big deal. Same with weight–no one ever told me I’d be fat if I ate that, etc. In spite of the fact that I never ate anything green when I was young, I love vegetable of any sort now. I think some parents turn dinner into a battleground, and kids grow up with food issues and anxiety about food itself and the social aspects of eating together. Having lived with an adult or two with issues like this, it is not pretty. (And as an adult without those issues, I seem to attract those adults!)
I do always have the kids try a bit of whatever I make, but I wouldn’t ever force them to eat anything. Life is too short to have eating be a miserable experience.
Alright, I seem to have all the basics down but I have a nagging (literally) question.
My kids (6 & 7) have some terrible habits. These are unconscious things that they don’t mean to do. I don’t seem to be able to break them of them. They are fairly innocuous. Examples:
Leaving the cap off the toothpaste
Not cleaning up after themselves without being asked
Touching the walls
‘Knee-jerk’ whining (not to be mistaken with thought out whining which seems to have been iradicated)
Putting their hands in their mouths
Chewing with their mouths open
None of them are a big deal but I am so very tired of reminding and nagging them. Does it get better? Are there strategies? We compliment them when they remember on their own.
Revoke privileges when they do things like knee jerk whining. If they have to go without TV or games because they’ve whined, they’ll learn.
As for touching the walls, guess who gets to clean them? Hand the kids some general spray cleaner and rags.
And as for general advice, don’t EVER offer kids a choice that you’re not willing to follow through with. I’ve watched some parents do things like ask their kids if they’re ready to go now, when it’s clearly time to go. Don’t ASK the kids if they’re ready to go. TELL them it’s time to go. And then don’t be afraid to grab the kids up and march out of the store. Sometimes you can offer choices, but sometimes you need to be the parent and decide what’s going to happen. Kids don’t have much judgment, and they have to learn it by making small choices at first, like whether they’ll refuse one vegetable…but as someone pointed out, they get to refuse ONE, they have to eat the rest.
Another one that occurred to me overnight: kids don’t get computers in their bedrooms. Ever. They must be in shared areas of the house only.
Any smart phone, tablet, or other internet-capable device is off (and checked to be off) or outside their bedroom when it’s sleep-time.
This is probably going to sound weird, but make sure your kid’s dentist is kid-friendly and as pain free as possible. My first dentist was a horrible man, and I have bad teeth because I am literally terrified of the dentist. I now have a very good, kind dentist who puts me in twilight sleep to work on me. He says it’s in self defense, so I don’t rip the arms off of his exam chair. He also told my husband he doesn’t want me to have a heart attack or stroke in his chair - my blood pressure skyrockets when I pull in the parking lot.
Ohhhh, my sibs and I had a horrid dentist too. Either he didn’t use enough numbing agent, or he wasn’t willing to wait long enough, but all three of us had very bad experiences. I now go to a dentist who is very, very gentle, and he does things like hug me when he sees me in the hallway, or he’ll rub my shoulder when I’m in the chair. Now this wouldn’t work on every patient, but it works on me. And of course I hug him back.
Make sure that no means no. If you do this early and are unbending, the whining stage does not last terribly long.
1A: This also means that you occasionally go along with their ideas and plans when the are feasible, or well thought out. Children who can justify their position properly should be rewarded for their efforts.
Talk to them like normal humans. I always treat younger sculpture students just like small adults with limited vocabularies. This works wonders. Respect is a two way street. on that note…
Make sure you are worthy of respect, and show some in return. Tough but fair. Kids are way more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Know their limitations, but try your best to not be a hypocrite in front of them. They don’t have the tools to deal with it properly. Many adults don’t.
For older children and teens, you need to know how to pick your battles. Know what issues are critical to you, or you and your other half, and enforce those issues. Butt out on the other stuff. By giving them control over aspects of their lives you are demonstrating trust, respect for them as a person, and showing that you care about certain aspects rather then just trying to run their lives for them.
Children should receive a small amount of pocket money weekly which is theirs to do with as they see fit. They do not get more regardless of the situation. If they want more they can earn it through household work, or get a “loan” and work it off. Some kids are savers, others are spenders, and it often has very little to do with how they turn out as adults. Some just like to hoard their money without a goal in mind (my sister when she was young), others like to nickel and dime it to death on little items. (myself in elementary school). The point is that by having autonomy over their money they will learn to prioritize.
If you CAN do something then you SHOULD do something. This is in regards to things like chores, basic cooking, etc. As soon as they are capable they should be doing it for themselves.
This one in particular grosses me out so when my 8 year old was a 6 year old, he ate dinner all by himself sometimes. I would remind him the first time it happened not to chew with his mouth open but it would slip his mind right around, oh, the third bite or so. Remind him again. Slip again.
I don’t like repeating myself at all but I definitely should never, ever have to say the same thing more than two times. That’s a rule.
So at that point it was “I’m sorry, but I really just can’t eat with you when you’re eating like that. I’ll be in the living room. Clear your plate when you’re done.”
That didn’t happen more than half a dozen times or so before he started eating like a normal person and, sitting here thinking about it, I don’t even remember the last time he chewed something with his mouth open.
As my mother used to say: Patience and fortitude.
I’ve got two kids, both out of college, both doing great. The main piece of advice I have is to understand who your kids are and respond to them individually. There reason there aren’t teenager books the way there are baby books is that most newborns are the same, but almost no teenagers are the same.
Being consistent is important. Setting important limits is important. And not unimportant limits. Reading is important, but it also depends on the kid. I read to both kids when they were young - the older one took off by 3rd grade, the younger one didn’t like to read nearly as much, so I read to her every night right through high school. Not that she didn’t read, she just didn’t for pleasure as much as the older one.
Stuff that you think should be important to them should be important to you. Know what homework they have, and make sure they know it is a priority. Be there to help. Most teachers are great, but some teachers aren’t so great. Between us my wife and I could cover all their subjects except for language. Read and critique their writing. Don’t change it, but point out what is wrong, and before long they will get it right the first time. A lot of my kids’ success is based on their writing skills.
Follow them where they want to go, assuming it is legal of course. Younger daughter wanted to ride, which became feasible when we moved out here. It took a lot of hours, and some money, but she got on the riding team in college, took it over, and learned a lot of excellent leadership skills doing so - and also built up her resume. In third grade older daughter wanted to audition for a manger, who sent something around to her kids theater class. I figured what’s the harm, it would be a nice trip into New York and then it would be over - and she got signed. But don’t push. What you want them to do might not be what they want to do.
But being flexible is the most important thing in the sense of tailor parenting to the kid, don’t try to tailor the kid to your theory of parenting.
I don’t have kids, but I do know a lot about child literacy, so I like your suggestion a lot. Many people think that reading to babies is pointless because they can’t understand what you’re saying, or what you’re looking at, but it isn’t true. Psychologists have done studies to determine at what age a child can look at drawings/cartoons (you know, typical picture book illustrations) and associate them with the actual objects/animals they depict. That age? 14 months. They can understand the content of photos even younger. So you might feel foolish reading to your sixteen-month-old about the doggy in the window, but he’s already knows that the cartoon doggy on the page is just like the dog curled up next to your chair.
My kids are 5 and almost 2. Here’s what we’ve done:
Make sure the kids have toys of their own as well as shared toys. They don’t need many (my son’s only special toys are his trains; my daughter is still figuring that out), but especially for the older one, they’re less likely to feel like the littlest is completely usurping everything – your attention, his space and his toys. When my daughter started to walk, we helped my son identify those toys that were really special to him and made sure he had shelving or whatever he needed to keep her out of them.
As a related item, make sure both kids know they can play in common areas. They should have special toys, but they shouldn’t have to feel as if they can’t play with them if they’re in the same room. I taught my son early on how to give his sister a different toy if she was going after his. I also intervene if my son is trying to take her toys.
Start teaching them early on how to handle conflict. We do intervene if they’re having some sort of disagreement (usually about the stuff – it’s all about the stuff early on), but we also try to give them an opportunity to resolve it on their own. Unfortunately, my son is usually the one doing the resolving given that he has more reasoning skills than she does, so we keep an eye out, but we try hard not to step in if we don’t have to.
Everyone has to help in the house, even the youngest. We don’t exactly have her scrubbing pots, but she helps carry a few shirts to her room when it’s time to put away the clean laundry, “washes” the windows with water and helps empty the dishwasher. My son takes out the trash with his dad, helps clear the table after a meal and helps vacuum and knows how to do laundry with supervision. We don’t have them do more than one or two things in a day, but they are expected to help.
I’m not suggesting that these are the ultimate right answer, because everyone has a different approach, but speaking personally here’s how I’d handle these:
Putting hands in mouths/Chewing with mouths open: Tell them to stop every time it happens. If it’s happening repeatedly during a meal, mealtime is over for them.
Touching the walls: OK, I actually don’t care about this at all, but assuming I did, I’d keep one of those Mr. Clean Magic Eraser sponges around, and every time I saw a kid touching a wall, I’d hand them the sponge and tell them to wipe the grease prints off.
Whining: “I’m sorry, I can’t understand you when you speak in that tone of voice. Speak to me normally and I’d be happy to listen.”
Leaving the cap off the toothpaste: Leave a cup in the bathroom. Throw a quarter into it every time you come in and see the toothpaste with the cap put on. When enough money has accumulated, use it to buy everyone an ice cream or something.
Not cleaning up: I don’t think you’re ever going to cure this completely. However, I’ve noticed that when my kids are at preschool, they automatically clean up their stuff without having to be asked, and I’m thinking, what’s the difference between there and home? Well, at school they are required to clean their things up every time they are finished, no exceptions, and no “letting it slide because I’m in the middle of doing something.” So consistency is the key here. If you see a kid walking away from a mess, stop them immediately and have them clean it up, even if it means tantrums, arguing, whatever. No choice. They will clean it up. And if they do clean up on their own, praise them as you mentioned. Kids eat praise up, and this is a behavior you want to see from them, so the praise is genuine anyway.
And resign yourself to the fact that sometimes you are just going to have to give reminders and ask them to do things even though they should really have done it on their own without being asked.
This is just from my personal experience, too. I’m sure others would handle these situations differently.
