Let's hear some parenting advice for older kids!

In My Humble Opinion
41

At very young ages, kids enjoy the snuggling and the time spent with a parent or other caretaker. I have a picture of my father and my daughter when she was just over a year old, sitting on the couch together, with a Dr. Seuss book open before them. She is pointing a finger at something in the book.

Around that age, she had a sturdy cardboard book of simple nursery rhymes, with fanciful illustrations, which was one . As soon as she could talk, I could open the book to any page, and she could recite the rhyme.

I think that I started reading to her when she was three months old. Yeah, she watched Sesame Street and Electric Company, and I was usually watching them with her, and then we’d talk about the show, and I’d try to find stuff that related to the show, such as numbers or letters. But she got read to. And she associated reading with being the center of my attention (my husband rarely read to her). Even if the kid can’t understand what you’re saying yet, s/he DOES understand that getting read to is fun. And it’s a good way to unwind little kids before bedtime, which can sometimes be a problem.

42

When my kids were infants, we read to them from David Sedaris books and the like - whatever we happened to be reading ourselves. They respond to the cadence and rhythm of your voice, and the content doesn’t matter as much. Then when they become old enough to look at the pages as you turn them, we switched over to toddler-appropriate books.

Reading together is a nice, calming, bonding activity. (Well, generally. I’ve certainly had days where the squirming child slithered off my lap and darted away after the first two pages of a Dr. Seuss book.) Some days it has been the only real quiet down time I’ve had with my kids.

43

Learn how to appreciate your kid’s sense of humor. (Don’t assume it will be the same as yours.) Laugh at their jokes, their puns, their attempts at being funny. When they are eventually gone (from the home), you’ll remember with fondness their attempts to make you laugh.

Offer to help with homework, quiz them for tests, buy school supplies, and even pay for a tutor if they need it, but let their grades be their reponsibility. Nagging about homework, studying and report cards only frustrates you and alienates your kid.

Choose your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Most of the stuff that bothers you, they’ll eventually grow out of.

Set reasonable limits, be fair and be consistent. Listen to what your kid has to say, provide feedback and, if reasonable, come to something both of you can live with. Life is about negotiations–teach your kids how to negotiate.

Know when to shut up. They’ll get enough lectures in college. Be a good listener and they’ll talk.

Don’t allow the use of headphones in the car. That’s when a lot of great, mind-blowing conversations will occur, but not if your kid is plugged in.

When it comes to chores, write a list then walk away. Let them complete chores as their own responsiblity. (Not sure if it’s boys only, but Hallboy will do nearly anything if I put it on a list. If I tell him, it’s like talking to thin air.)

—phall0106, mom of two daughters (27 and 25) and one son (17)

44

A lot of this seems very trivial–I’m all about choosing your battles.

That being said, here are some suggestions which might help aleviate some of the behavior mentioned below:

Leaving the cap off the toothpaste: Buy toothpaste without caps.

Not cleaning up after themselves without being asked: Do they have a chore list? Even pre-schoolers can have a chore list. Otherwise, remove the stuff yourself, but put it away so it can’t be used. When they search for it later, tell them it’s gone because it wasn’t put away, and it’s being held for (fill in the blank…two days, one week, etc.) However, it should be held that long–no giving in!

Touching the walls: Paint with scrubbable wall paint, and add “clean the walls” to their chore list. But know, kids will touch EVERYTHING. Even walls.

‘Knee-jerk’ whining (not to be mistaken with thought out whining which seems to have been iradicated): Ignore it. Walk away and don’t respond. On the otherhand, notice when the “knee-jerk” whining occurs. I’ll bet you can spot the behavior and situations which trigger it, and it’s not nearly as knee-jerk as you think at first. Distract before it comes to the whining stage.

Putting their hands in their mouths: Choose your battles. Is this really one of their worst actions? Some kids are more “oral” than others–they bit their nails, they eat, they chew on things, they talk. This is their release. Learn to live with it (unless it’s a serious problem, like they’re eating their hair, etc.)

Chewing with their mouths open: When the Hallkids were little, I had a signal to them that they needed to chew with their mouths closed. (Often kids simply don’t think about it, and it takes awhile for it to become second nature, especially if they spend time at child care or school, eating with other kids who have horrible table manners.) During the meal, when their mouths were open (CHOMP, CHOMP, SMACK, SMACK), I would gently say their name (to get their attention), then raise my finger to my closed mouth (similiar to what one would do to “sshhh”). This was a simple reminder for them to chew with their mouths closed, and is particularly helpful when eating in public. (Don’t embarass them.)

45

Well, and the more arbitrary something seems, the harder it is to remember in a given situation and the harder it is to generalize it to other situations. This isn’t just true for kids, either. The fastest way to get a new hire doing a procedure correctly and consistently is to make sure they know why we do it like that. Even when the reason is “Doc has some kind of weird bug up his butt about it.”

And that may be why you have to spend so much time nagging and reminding, especially if you’ve never given them a concrete reason for these things. Without a concrete reason, things that aren’t a big deal seem really, really arbitrary to kids. As I said before, arbitrary= hard to remember and generalize. Knowing the reasoning behind your rules might help increase compliance.

And seeing first-hand might be a help too. Let them be the ones to wash the walls. Get them their own tube of toothpaste to leave the lid off and have to deal with the resultant crusties. Chew with your mouth open and make them watch. (Though they’re at the age where they might find that last one funny/cool. Maybe scratch that one.)

46

I’m not a mom, but I mentor teenagers in a youth organization, and I train new college graduates in my position at work.

Parents, you have to teach your kids to be self-reliant. You have to let them feel the consequences of their actions and choices. I have watched too many good, smart kids totally flunk at their first attempt at adult life and responsibility (sometimes the first several attempts) because they went immediately from “helicopter/snowplow mommy doing everything for me” to “adult in the real world.” They have no idea how to take responsibility for a problem, make a plan of action, and follow it through.

In my time in these positions, I have met only one young person who could handle himself and his adult responsibilities with any degree of competence the first time out of the gate. Not surprisingly, he is the only one who has never said any of the following to me: “Mom and Dad got me this job/bought me this car/grade-grubbed for me so I could graduate despite flunking/gives me money when I ask for it/gave me my project idea/did all the fundraising for me/wakes me up so I get to school on time.”

It’s cruel to raise a kid to age 18 and then release him or her into the wild without any ability to be self-reliant. Don’t do it. You’re setting them up to fail when you clear all obstacles from their paths! Let them start learning to stand on their own gradually over a lifetime, with increasing independence, while they are still at home where their parents can provide a soft landing when they stumble. By the time they get to me, their first experience at failure is either “getting fired from first adult job” or “failing to complete major 2 year volunteer project that leads to scholarship money you were counting on to afford college.” That’s not the time to start learning this stuff. The stakes are too high.

47

Re: teenagers. My position was “I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Your leash extends pretty goddamn far, but I will shorten it if I get even a whiff of unsafe behavior.”

We also had a code word for her to use if she needed to extricate herself from a situation and needed me to be the “bad parent” in order to save face. If she ever called me by a certain name, my response would be, “No. Come home. You can’t go there or sleep over at that friend’s house or whatever. The answer is no.”

48

I learned this, too late. Don’t “give” your kids anything (or at least, too much.) Let them earn privileges & material things through responsible behavior. (Such as telling the truth, picking up their rooms etc., studying at school.) That way when they’re adolescents & teens, you’re not having to “take away” what they feel entitled to…they’ll know whether they deserve it or not.
Don’t give a kid an allowance because that’s not how it works in the real world. Help them think of ways they can earn money.
Remember, you’re not raising kids…you’re raising soon-to-be adults, & whatever you don’t teach them could hold them back in life. But make it fun! Everybody learns better in a relaxed atmosphere. And so often we “learn” without even realizing it. (painless pundits) lol
And when they start having “their own life?” Don’t ask a lot of questions because they’ll tell you more if you don’t…they don’t feel grilled. And while they’re talking, resist the urge to scream OMG or “I hope YOU"D never do that,” etc. Be as non-judgemental as you can be while steering them into telling you what they would have done in that situation. Such as: “Well, I can see a couple different views about that (thus & so)…what do YOU think?” It’s a good way to find out where their heads are at, & if it ain’t where you want it to be you’ve got a chance to gently guide them in the right direction.
Above all, both you & the kids enjoy their childhoods. It’s over sooner than you think. Be kind, but firm. Always be loving, but there’s plenty of time to be “friends” when they become adult children…which they will want to do if you’ve leaned more on the Plus side than the Negative.

49

Parents drive their kids places WAY too much. Here’s the way I do it with my 4 kids (ages 14 to 7). If you can get there by walking, then walk. If you can’t get there by walking, ride your bike. If you can’t walk or ride your bike, take a bus. If none of these will work, then and only then, talk to mom about getting a ride.

50

Quoted from Q.N. Jones<snip>

Parents, you have to teach your kids to be self-reliant. You have to let them feel the consequences of their actions and choices.

<snip>
Heh heh, man I screwed this one up in my own life. My folks weren’t exactly helicopter parents, (well ok, I was a sneaky shit but…) being the independant inquisitive do it my selfer that I was ever since I wasn’t allowed to by my own hamburger with MY BIRTHDAY MONEY DAMMIT at age 5 or 6. I politely declined when my dad offered a full ride to what ever level of college degree I cared to attempt when I graduated high school…

51

But it is, it’s only that the duties you get as an employed grown-up are different from those you get as a child.

52

My two kids are 7 and 1. (both girls).
We lost one when my first was 9 months (so had it carried to term, we would have had two under 2).

Quite aside from the trauma of losing one, as the elder grew up we always commented that she was “lonely” and wished for a sibling for her to play with.

Now that the second is here, it’s great - BUT the gap is too big, I wish it was much much smaller.

I must admit though that my eldest is great - she will be an oarsum big sister.

53

I started reading to my daughter as soon as I could get her to sit still long enough (she was still too young to understand “books” and “pages” I think it must have been around 15 months).

She will be 7 in October, and we still read a story together every night. Mostly Enid Blyton, but also a collection of others, including a sexuality tome directed at preteens. My youngest sometimes joins us - I will start it properly with her shortly.

My kid now reads waaay above her level - so much so that her kindergaren was going to get her to be the narrator of a two hour concert last year (changed their minds at the last moment - a decision I did agree with on reflection)

54

Keep your eyes peeled through their mid thirties. They seem to get pretty rammy around that time. Keep some of your investments liquid but don’t disclose them.

55

Not a parent, but a trained camp counselor (enough to know that no advice works for all kids and that I don’t want kids of my own).

As much as possible tell them what to do without using ‘no’, eg ‘walk’ instead of ‘don’t run.’ At nothing else it keeps you from saying no all day long.

If you let them take a bottle of water to bed, you have to get up in the middle of the night to take them to the bathroom. And then they freak out that every noise is a bear. … That might be more of a camp thing.

Schedules are awesome. You know what to do and when, and they can’t argue (well… you know). Happy nappy, shut your crappy yappy time is also awesome (I never used that term, actually, that was mostly me complaining about the people my age when I wanted to sleep).

From watching a little boy having a meltdown from being hungry, away from home, and not having his normal things to eat, and his counselor not helping: Little kids can’t handle a ton of choices, especially if tired or hungry. For that matter, don’t make food a big deal. If they can’t finish their plate, well, they’re done. They can have a snack later. (within reason, naturally)

From watching someone at karate and her hyper kids: your kids are probably better behaved than you think, or at very least making an accurate call on that when you’re tired and been with them all day is not likely.

I’m a big believer in allowances, whether or not you make them dependent on doing chores. The sooner kids start learning how to handle money the better. (I was a saver, my sister was spender.)