Let's say I wanted to have an affair...

In My Humble Opinion
41

She said she knew she ran the risk of being villified. I didn’t want to disappoint. :wink:

To recap what she said:

And she decided it was worth it, based on the “depth of her feelings”. No mention of the wife, or the apparent betrayal of the wife. The wife he still had, for whatever reason. I have to assume that the wife didn’t know about his affair—after all, if the wife knew and was OK with it, my guess is that there would be no “pain and humilation”, would there? If I am incorrect in this detail, if indeed the wife was totally OK with his affair, then I retract any villification. If there was no betrayal of the wife then that means there is no reason for anyone to be villified.

So, the information she gave us is that she decided to engage in an affair with a married man, because of the “depth of her feelings”. (No mention of the wife’s feelings, needless to say.) And also this:

“…but sometimes it just doesn’t work that way.” Of course, that just covers everything, doesn’t it? And since when is the guy’s unhappy marriage and his inability to unload a wife he apparently no longer loves an invitation for her to help him (apparently) betray his wife? His unhappy marriage is his problem, no one else’s. Anyone else who gets involved with him and his problems is responsible for their choices, and their behavior.

I get every indication (based on her post) that she made a decision based on the “depth of her feelings”. Sometimes, decisions based on feelings alone are pretty damned selfish.

But hey—I will admit that there is some vague possiblity that she will come back and tell some incredibly melodramatic and heart-wrenchingly “star-crossed lovers” soap opera story which will bring us all to tears and earn her a spot on the Dr. Phil show. Indeed if such is the case, of course I will apologize profusely for my coldheartedness, and try to remember to tape her appearance on Dr. Phil.

42

I was being a bit sarcastic; I think an “affair” is a bad idea in terms of marriage. Thinking about it more seriously the OP might want to “feel” out how his wife would feel if she caught him having an affair.

43

I also agree with the poster about the shoe being on the other foot. How would the OP feel if he caught his wife with another man?

44

I know what you mean here. I’ve been married for 19 years and I have no intention of getting me a sugar daddy on the side, but I do wonder about people who do. What is the motivation? What was the opportunity? Did they go looking or did it just “happen”? Is it love or lust or just something to pass the time?

I’ll flirt and joke around with other men, but if I permit myself the reverie of a tawdry encounter, all I can see is how hurt my husband would be and how my entire life would be ruined. So I’m not going to slip away to a sleezy motel for a nooner, but I might still consider what it would be like to frolic with another man. Heck, at advanced age, any marginal attention from a non-spousal male is flattering to a major degree! “He likes me! He really likes me!” :smiley:

45

So much sanctimony here… In any other thread there would be several cries for sticking to the OP, but apparently not with this topic.

I have been married 12 years as well, and I have had more opportunities since, than I ever had before. I have never pursued anyone, however I am a bit of a flirt. At least three different women (there may have been more, but unless I am hit over the head with a brick I am pretty clueless) have expressed their desire to have at 'er with me. All of them were friends of mine and knew I was married. Sure, one was really drunk, one was just curious, but the other one pursued me for quite some time.

While I didn’t have an affair, I very easily could have so I think I can answer the OP as from my experience. I didn’t do anything, except be who I was: a tall, friendly but quietly shy, funny only if you know me enough to get my jokes, geeky guy. I fed no one any lines, nor placed any ads.

However, I will say that Mrs. Prefect and I have a pretty open relationship in terms of speaking what’s on our minds. She knows about these women, (heck, the drunk one has also hit on her, if she was not quite so manly-looking I think we could have all had a good time :slight_smile: ) and doesn’t hold it against me. But I also know what the punishment would be if I would have sex with anyone else.

She has said that she could forgive me if I ever got a blowjob from a woman who didn’t want any thing from me. Sure it sounds like a great idea, but how likely is it to find a woman willing to do that without any hope of any ROI :slight_smile:

46

No Dr. Phil, thank you! You’re right- my feelings were selfish. I took into consideration what I wanted, not what his wife wanted. I’m sure I put a huge debit in my karma account and that was my choice. I don’t expect anyone to say, “Oh, that nice Mamapotomus was an adultress, I guess my opinion of adultery has been wrong all these years.”

I never said that what I did was the right thing… I just asked AudreyK what she personally knew about having an affair with a married man. Since I asked, it seemed appropriate to give my background. I’m not defending cheating on your spouse.

47

yosemitebabe and kambuckta - if you wish to continue your discussions, please move elsewhere. I really don’t want to start a discussion of another situation here. This is about MY affair! :slight_smile:

The question was posed how I would feel if my wife had an affair. I’ve thought about it. You might be surprised by this: I’d actually be glad to know she would even consider it. Our sex life is dead. Has been from day one. We’re talking stretches of months between liasons at times. It would be nice to know there was a fire under there somewhere. After years of trying, very patiently, I never could get it to the surface.

So now feel free to judge me even more. But bear in mind, through all that, I’ve never strayed. Not even close. Knowing I would be likely to if given the right situation is one reason I stay so far away from it. But perhaps given the situation, you might understand my occassional curiosity of what a fantastic sex life might be like. This, once again, leads to the question of just how people get into these things.

It does happen to other people, including some mentioned here. I’ve worked closely with women that I’ve found attractive, yet there never seemed to be anything close to something else going to happen. It is possible I just missed it, though. People like FordPrefect seem to been hit over the head. I never have been. I’m not feeling like I’m being left out, but it still leaves the question of how it REALLY begins.

48

I don’t want to pry, but is this her lack of sex drive? I’m actually wondering at this point if she would mind you having an affair. Have you talked to her about the lack of sex? Maybe you two really do need some counsiling.

I don’t know, if she is against having sex with you, what does she expect you to do*?

  • I realize all cases are different, so I am by no means implying that he/or anyone is entitled to go have an affair because of an unwilling partner-I still think communication would be the key.
49

We’ve talked. I’ve tried to get her to talk to her doctor about it, but apparently it is too embarrassing for her. I’ve suggested counseling a number of times, but that wasn’t well received either.

Yes, she would be against me having an affair. Although, just to tell you the type of woman she is, if I told her I needed that to be happy, she’d let me, despite the pain it would cause her. THAT is why I married her. She is giving. Very giving. Our physical relationship is poor. I can deal with that. But not having ever experienced anything else, it brings me back to the OP and the question of how affairs come about.

Maybe I should rephrase the OP a little. Is there anyone who has been in a relationship of any length (lets say over 6 months), who hasn’t had the opportunity to cheat?

50

So your sex life is dead. Was that what you thought you were agreeing to when you got married? Probably not. This marriage is in serious, serious trouble.

Options:

  1. Put up with it
  2. Radical honesty with your wife
  3. Get counseling
  4. Try lots of new things and be willing to give as much time as it takes
  5. Try lots of new things, and talk about a time limit to make it work
  6. Work out a mutually-acceptable separation
  7. Leave without a mutually-accepted separation
  8. Have affairs
  9. Have an “open” relationship

And so on. I pass no judgment on your choice, except that you are obviously unhappy with the status quo. Who would be?

51

Meant to say “Who wouldn’t be unhappy in your situation?”

52

For the sake of argument, I’ve picked number 8.

What now? Where do I start?

53

For the sake of argument, it depends – do you want to keep it secret or do you mind if you get caught? Think that through very carefully. If you are going to do it, and don’t want to get caught, then you must be very very careful in every way. And never never admit it happened.

Find a copy of Bill Wattenburg’s “How to find and fascinate a mistress.” or other books that prominently display “Having affairs”, “Open Marriage” and such. Read these with the title displaying prominently at local coffee shops.

Start conversations. Respond to conversational openings with more interest than usual. Hold eye contact for a few seconds longer than you are now used to. Smile. Act happy to see them. Read their signals. Ultimately you must give or accept an invitation to go for coffee, or accompany them on a walk, or to lunch. When they ask “are you married?”, tell the truth.

Be prepared for the consequences.

54

Perhaps you should go talk to “Bob down the hall”. I, for one, will not contribute to the journey it appears you are about to embark on.

I, too, come from a position of knowledge on this point and as FranticMad so eloquently put it…

Be prepared for the consequences.

Good luck. You’re gonna need it.

55

:frowning:

This topic is sad…
Wagnoid,
I understand that it can be very difficult to be in that type of relationship…not getting what a person needs can be very hard to cope with. There are priorities, some place it on sex and that chemistry, some on a strong friendship in a relationship, some on reaching fianancial/lifestyle goals etc… I don’t really have any advice there, as I am entering into a relationship that may leave me sexually unfullfilled if the situation continues ‘as is’. shrugs
But, I will second ‘be careful’. For completely different reasons than those given.

You are thinking, hypothetically of course, about entering into a state of lies. This can ( I think it will, but really that’s just my opinion, so I’m choosing ‘can’) cause hurt and pain. In you, in your wife AND in the chosen lover or lovers. You won’t be able to give of yourself in a free manner with any lover. You will have this while other life that they are not a part of. You won’t be able to give of yourself in a free manner with your wife anymore…always have to be guarded.

Just be careful of the feelings involved when you think about this as a possiblity. :frowning:

56

Lest others here think I am a Machiavellian cad let me say this: I think you should end one relationship completely before starting another.

If you don’t know how to start and end an affair, then you probably have no real comprehension of depth and quality of pain that you may await you, your wife, and your lover-to-be. Too many people get out of a relationship after starting a new one. The new relationship gives them temporary courage that they lacked. This has unfortunate results.

I’m reminded of the myth of Prometheus. There’s a lot of storyline – Prometheus and his brother do stuff, Zeus gets mad, demands a sacrifice from Man, animal intestines are piled up. Typical Greek myth things. But here’s a quote from what I’m thinking about:

*"Zeus was angered and forbade Prometheus to give fire to Man. Prometheus was upset with Zeus’, and was determined to bring fire to Man, but Zeus had guarded the entrance to Olympus. Athena told Prometheus about an unguarded back entrance to Olympus where he would be able to enter with ease.

Prometheus snuck into Olympus at night through the back entrance. He made his way to the Chariot of the Sun and lit a torch from the fires that burned there. Prometheus carried the still hot coals down the mountain in a fennel stalk to prevent being seen. Upon reaching the lands of Men, Prometheus gave to them the coals, breaking Zeus’ order by giving fire to Man.

Zeus was extremely angered by Prometheus’ defiance, and set out to make a trap for Prometheus. Zeus gathered the gifts of the Gods and created Pandora and her box, into the box he placed all the horrors of the world. Pandora was sent to Prometheus as a gift from Zeus himself.

Prometheus saw the curse that Pandora and her box carried, he refused the gift, giving it instead to his brother Epimetheus who opened the box and released the chained horrors upon the world.
*

When you light your fire in this way, you will get a visit from Pandora.

57

I’ve been called a great many things in my life. Stupid would certainly be among them. I wouldn’t not cheat because I’m somehow too smart to do something so foolish, but rather because I gave my word and for other reasons said above… such as lack of opportunity. I was recently presented an award, and the presenter said, “one word sums up this person: Integrity.” I don’t deceive, I don’t lie and I don’t cheat. If you ask me a question, I’ll answer it up front and honestly.

But I’m human. I have human feelings and emotions and I live in a world surrounded by people who glorify sex and it’s grand pleasures. I see people who throw away good marriages and partnerships for the sake of something I know nothing about.

So I wondered, aloud, just how this comes to be. It isn’t something that can be asked around the office cooler. I asked here, anonymously, for what others see and know of the subject.

Because of the phrasing of the OP and what you now know of the intimate details of my life, you are free to believe I’m on a path towards an affair. I don’t see it that way, but then again life does manage to take more turns than we generally count on.

Am I truly the only person that has seen certain people more prone to affairs than others, and wondered what it is about them that draws them to this? Am I the only one that has, at idle times, wondered what it would be like?

58

To clear things up-I do NOT find the OP distastful because he wonders about what an affair would be like, or would be flattered by having someone else be attracted to him. That’s not it at all.

It’s that he seems to be asking for ways to cheat on his wife, rather than sitting down with her, and discussing their shortcomings. Or even telling his wife that he doesn’t feel the same anymore, and maybe they should split, or whatever.

It’s the whole-“How do I go about doing this?” That he seems to see this as no big deal.

I’ve never been in a serious relationship-however, if I was, and I found out my husband had cheated on me, I think I would be extremely devastated. If I found out my dad was cheating on my mom, or vice versa, I’d be crushed. That’s something you just don’t do. I guess I just find infidelity in a relationship to be repulsive-UNLESS you have an open relationship that the two of you agreed upon. Sneaking around is just wrong and hurtful.

59

Wagnoid,
Let me start by citing AZCowboy in a link about swingers and polyamory.

"First, let me point out what should be obvious - swinging and polyamory are two different concepts. There is certainly cross-over, but there are many of one camp that don’t dawdle in the other. Grouping these two together causes me some heartburn.

And while I can’t be sure, I think plnnr’s comments are more related to swinging, and not polyamory. In my experience with polyamory, no requirements for “certain circles” existed, the participants were from “straight” society, but found themselves in unusual circumstances and were open minded enough to not be constrained by the mores of the Judeo-Christian ethic that suggests it is “wrong”.

That said, finding statistics on such arrangements can be quite difficult. IMHO, they are more common, but due to the social stigma attached, they mostly remain underground. Somewhat surprising to me, both groups seem to carry more social stigma than homosexuals.

But, since this is GQ and not IMHO, I can point you to these statistics.

quote:

What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory
While openly polyamorous relationships are relatively rare (Rubin, 1982), there are indications that private polyamorous arrangements within relationships are actually quite common. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, cited in Rubin & Adams, 1986) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15-28% had “an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances. The percentages are higher among cohabitating couples (28%), lesbian couples (29%) and gay male couples (65%)” (p. 312).

/end quote

So the important statistic (which reflects my own experience) say that 15-28% of the couples in a survey had "an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances.

My boyfriend and I fall in that category, and we are OK with it.
It was not easy, establishing that kind of trust to each other! After twelve years he has had 2 lovers and I have had 2 as well.
(it was not a competition)

If you would want an open relationship, (that’s the term, I think) then start by very carefully and tactfully asking your wife what she would think about it.
There is no way you can do this (I agree with the other posters) without her full consent and cooperation. Be patient and prepared to pamper your wife enormously. She should feel you have so much love to give, there will be plenty left for her even if you gave some away. She should also feel there is something in it for her. And be warned: a lot of women cannot for the life of them love more then one man romanitically and sexually. The women you look for can love more, maybe two or three men.

What you do not want, if you value your marriage (this warning also mentioned above) is seeking some women who wants a full realtionship, and go starting an affair with her. She will hope you will leave your wife, she will fight for it, be badly hurt herself, and things will become more ugly then in your worst nightmare.

Literature suggestion: “the Ethical Slut” available at Amazon.

If you and your wife are OK about an open relationship, start putting honest personals in the paper or replying to them (also advised above). An dbe prepared to meet people that make you go “ick”.

There are also dating sites that support open relationships.

Maybe the safest thing is to keep dreaming and focus on other things in life…

I cannot tell you about how to meet women who woudl knowingly want a short passionate affair (say maximum 3 months) becaus i do not know those women from my own experience. Maybe they exist only in movies…

hope this helps…