Letting go and moving on

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Every time I see that word mentioned, I sulk, go blue and have fit of rage and despair. And it is always being mentioned. It’s a commonly used word (quite common), and recently it has been mentioned a-lot.

(I’m a guest now, so I should post my location: At the Tropics [Not the US])

I have been trying to be, well, a computer games developer/designer. There is this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be part of an exchange program that goes overseas to create games (and considering my financial status and background, it’s something I won’t be able to do).

I always wanted that; most of the time I am the odd one out from my classmates with my passion for computer games development, and I don’t like to work alone and besides, I am something of a system person, not graphics or physics so I usually am stuck on those. I just want to work with people, not always stuck with myself.

Cutting the long story short, I am convinced that I was unfairly rejected. You see, I got into a conflict with a friend of the program’s director. I did all the tests, I believe I should go, but I hate it, especially hate it, when politics get into the way. Or it could be my depression and anxiety disorder. Or both.

I should grow a thicker skin.

Maybe, but my DNA don’t comply.

So whenever I see ‘friends’ on Facebook (quoted because they are really just contacts) going for the program (which is still on), I…slip into depression and a neurotic state of wanting to get even and wanting to cry myself to death. I wish I could avoid it. “So-and-so has been tagged” and the photo’s caption would have the name of the program in it. People around me mention they are going to the program (it’s annual). It appears in the newspaper. People talk about it. I wish I can just run away or something

Maybe this is just an opportunity, not the only opportunity, but somehow I just can’t get over it. That I spend 3 days during a heavy examinations period to do all their tests, going down for the interview and all the grief associated with it, I really do want to let it go, but somehow because of the intensity, I can’t.

Why is this so important? I wish I could say, “There are other chances, move on” but the unfairness of it, and that others could get to go, tickled me. I never got a chance to be part of a team in games development. They are all looking for graphics, AI, physics people and they don’t give up game design to anyone.

It has almost been a year and yet I still feel bitter.

I wish I could give details, but I am already on a blacklist in this industry from where I come from. If the details are important, PM me and I’ll chat.

How do I move on? How do I let go? Maybe the decision to reject me wasn’t politically motivated?

2

I haven’t been in this particular kind of situation, but I can offer some general advice. I sometimes have a hard time letting go of things, too, and the only way I have of moving on is focusing on something new. Focus on your current job, start a new project, or make new plans for the future. Really involve yourself. Put all of yourself into experiencing the present moment and planning for the future, and you will find that memories from the past will gradually haunt you less.

Do you have any friends (or teachers or colleagues) you can talk to, someone who can help motivate you in pursuing new plans? Self-motivation can be tough sometimes, so it helps to have someone else there with you.

3

Gah. I can’t search, but didn’t you post another thread not too awful long ago about your dream of being a game developer dying? If it wasn’t you, I apologize, and want to point out that you’re not the only one. If it is you, I seem to recall you getting some good advice in that thread.
My heart breaks for the idea of not being able to do anything with your passion. I can definitely sympathize. Sometimes we don’t get to spend our lives doing what we want, only what we have to. Sorry about that.

4

Yep, I did post that. Now it’s just the letting go part. This is some sort of an emotional trigger. Sometimes I find myself taking on multiple projects (freelance) as if to prove something. I know the rejection need not to be taken personally, but I am taking it. Acknowledge the problem is always the first step right?

5

I hope you won’t be offended by my opinion, you did mention a thin skin and all.

I am not in the computer field and perhaps your rejection was political, who can say? When there is something you cannot let go, no matter how hard you try, even one year later ,there is something you are not seeing.

In fact, I would venture, it goes a little further than that, and say there is something in this rejection that you are not owning. You have some ownership in everything that happens to you, I believe.

I speak from experience, I know when something won’t let me go, it’s almost always my ego keeping me from seeing clearly my ownership in events.

Maybe go back and look more closely at the experience. In my experience, once you’ve figured it, taken ownership of your part, it will drop from your radar and you’ll find it dead easy to ‘move on’.

Again, I am speaking from my own experience, I know little to nothing about your industry and I did not intend to offend.