I breed miniature chipmunks.
I had my house connected to natural gas, but then secretly swapped the main pipe valve so I now have helium on tap.
The voices in my head tell me the previous week’s winning Powerball numbers. Then they laugh.
I have a trombone fetish.
The famous “sad trombone” sound effect was originally recorded by me in 1937. Interestingly, I played it on a theremin.
I am rolling on the floor, laughing.
My ass however remains attached.
My ass fell off in April.
It’s been lying around our garage. We wondered who it belonged to.
For two months as a small child I lived under a nun’s habit, clinging to one of her calves.
the three words that have helped me most in life:
Pay attention to details.
I never pay attention to details. I always call de heads.
I live in a country that has outlawed dad jokes.
All my children starred on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
I can dispose of my dog’s poop with telekinesis.
I own a laserdisc player and the entire catalog of movies available on laserdisc. All three of them.
I was bitten by a radioactive shrew
I was bitten by the radioactive James Spader, giving me the superpowers of an award-winning actor.
I am the inspiration for Chet Morton, a close chum to the Famous Hardy Boys.
Now that is a bad habit.
I paid the Speaker of the House to write a bill to forbid aardvark training.